I was sitting on the couch at my parent's home, along with two other sibs, a sister-in-law and my parents. We had been up all night long because my grandmother had died at about 11 p.m. the night before (at their home, where she lived--she was 98 years old and she was the most important person in my world besides my parents and my kids).
It was one of those odd things, the night before. I'd been by to visit, then we headed out for scouts. But I had the strongest sense that I needed to turn around and go back, so I did. I had a friend take the kids and stay with them at my house that night, so we (the grownups) were all there as she breathed her last. Then we sat and talked and remembered, and waited for the coroner, and sat and talked some more.
So, the next morning we were already worn out, in shock and trying to wrap our heads around our grief. Someone called my sister and said to turn on the TV. To this day, the emotions of that morning come back nearly full-force when I reminisce about it--we sat there on that couch, watching what at first was reported as a horrible accident and then turned clearly into acts of terrorism as other reports of attacks were reported. Do you remember that at one point, reports were that the Mall in DC and the White House itself were under attack?
Then the first tower came down. I literally get shivers down my spine just writing about it. My dad has a lot of family in NY and we had no idea if some of them might work in those towers.
I sat there on that couch ALL. DAY. LONG. Watching. and Weeping. And I simply had NO ability to function, or more importantly, to process my grief. I kept crying and I couldn't for the life of me figure out if I was weeping for a grandmother I'd loved so dearly and lost, but who had gotten to live a long, full, amazing life, or if I was weeping for so many whose lives had been suddenly, horribly cut short, or if I was weeping for our nation and what was upon us, for the moms and dads and wives and husbands and sons and daughters who were about to get news that made my grandmother's passing pale in comparison.
To this day, I cannot separate my grief for the two events. This year it was especially difficult, because the day my grandmother died was Sept 10 (just barely), which was also my sister-in-law's birthday. My sister-in-law suddenly and unexpectedly died in her sleep in early May this year, and so these past two days, my heart and my mind have just bounced around from one event to the other.
At some point that day, my sister and I went to pick my boys up from school. I remember deciding I needed to go pick them up pretty early, before noon. What I *don't* remember is why on earth I ever sent them to school that day in the first place, when their great-grandmother had just died!
At any rate, my youngest son make a comment that I will always remember--he said, "Nana died, and the whole world just fell apart."