I spilled Spot Remover on my dog... Now he's gone. I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller. I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age. I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. Sponges grow in the ocean... that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper they'd be if that didn't happen. I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. "Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes." I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. What's another word for Thesaurus? When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars". In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today." I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded." All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes. My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them. I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose. I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that." So, do you live around here often? I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead; you couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air... I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy... I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot. I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly]... and says "Here, you can go." After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in? My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... well, to make a long story short... I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in Spanish. I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious! One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read." I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses. I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it... I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing. On the other hand, you have different fingers... I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH. Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?