Steven Wright

Discussion in 'Off Topic Chat' started by Mitica100, Oct 24, 2004.

  1. Mitica100

    Mitica100 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

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    Some of my fave Steven Wright quotes:

    All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

    The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

    OK, so what's the speed of dark? :lol:

    How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

    If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
    something.

    Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

    When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

    Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

    Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. :lol:

    Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. :lol:

    Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

    Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

    I intend to live forever - so far, so good. :lol:

    Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. :lol:

    If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. :shock: :lol:

    When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

    Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! :lol:

    Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

    What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

    I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

    Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

    If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

    A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

    Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

    The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

    The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

    The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
    research.

    You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

    The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

    Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

    The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
    before.

    Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. :lol:

    A fool and his money are soon partying.

    Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

    If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

    Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. :lol:

    I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

    Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

    Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back. :lol:

    Half the people you know are below average.

    99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. :lol:

    42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
     
  2. Karalee

    Karalee hOtLiPs!

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    Thanks for that, I especially enjoyed this one:


    Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

    :lmao: Ouch, and so true!
     
  3. mygrain

    mygrain Friend to nose goblins everywhere

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    Steven Wright is a genius!!!
     
  4. mentos_007

    mentos_007 The Freshmaker!

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    wow... lots of them... great quotes
     
  5. mrsid99

    mrsid99 TPF Supporters Supporting Member

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    Thanks again Mitica....great quotes!
     
  6. jadin

    jadin The Mad Hatter

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    I used to work for a company that made fire hydrants, but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

    When I was a kid I walked into a toy store and asked if they had any Toy Train Schedules.

    I played poker with tarot cards the other night. I got a full house and four people died.

    Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My reasoning was the consession stand prices were outrageous. That and I hadn't had a barbeque in a long time.
     
  7. Geronimo

    Geronimo TPF Noob!

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    Those are too good.
     
  8. Goofup

    Goofup TPF Noob!

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    And my favorite of his: "You can't have everything... where would you put it?"
     
  9. Scott WRG Editor

    Scott WRG Editor King of Smoothness

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    My favorite Steven Wrightisms


    I spilled spot remover on my dog... now he's gone

    and

    Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
     

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