Fidelity - how important is it too you?

[vonnagy]

Had an interesting conversation with a mate (a lady mate) about fidelity. How important is it too you and your relationship?

If you found your partner/spousal equivalent cheating - would that be the end all be all of your relationship?

In my opinion, infidelity doesn't occur in a vacuum. I am not questioning that its detrimental to relationship, but is it any worse than neglect, verbal/physical abuse and other relationship killers? It always seems that infidelity is one folks talk most about. Why do you think this is? Would it be possible for you to continue a relationship in which you partner was unfaithful? What about if you had been unfaithful?

Just curious, I am not looking definitive answers, just your own humble (or unhumble ) opinions

 

[manda]

Its something I have a hard time forgetting. Rships are abour trust, how can one have any if they are prone to infidelity.
I do think it depends on the situation but i sway more towards "if im not enough, pack your bags, sonny jim."

 

[Lula]

Fidelity for me is very important , i don't see myself with someone who cheated on me, someone I couldn't trust.....I would never trust him again...would be the end of the relationship certainly!
That would be he worst thing anyone could do to me.....
Just thinking about it freaks me out

 

[terri]

Funny. I know a lot of people differ. It's their attitudes about sex in general that would permit infidelity, they think it's less about trust and more about a casual roll in the hay where they know their partner would never find out, and in their minds, if they can't get caught there can be no pain infliected, so there's no breach of trust. I have a couple friends...... :roll: good god, I can't wrap my mind around them, but I've come to understand their approach, and how they justify it. I like a good flirt or banter as much as anyone, but I don't do casual sex. The people I'm thinking about here have no problem with casual sex, and it just doesn't matter if they're married or not. They acted the same way when dating their spouses. It's weird.

 

[Lula]

I know a couple of people like that....recently i saw movie called "XX-XY"
that pulls out the fidelity question!

 

[markc]

I think it's important to have what kind of relationship you want worked out with your partner ahead of time. If both are open to mixing partners and are aware of it, I have no problem with it. I don't think I could have that kind of relationship, but honesty is extremely important. Cheating is lying. That kills trust, and without trust...

If my hypothetical (*sigh*) partner were to come to me right after it happened and was upfront about it, I would be much more likely to stay in the relationship and try to work it out than if I just found out about it on my own. That would kill it right there.

 

[oriecat]

Yes, I agree Mark. Because if confronted with it right away, it's like, hey I just screwed up, I'm sorry, let's fix why this happened, but if you find out a lot later, then they've been hiding it, which is a further breach of trust and continued lying, which is possibly even worse than the actual act that started it, in some ways.

A friend at work recently found out that his wife just ended a two year affair. That would be the end for me, no way, no how would I continue a relationship where someone had lied to me for two years. I think a one time transgression could probably be worked through.

 

[Lula]

:shock: That sucks big time

 

[MDowdey]

coming from a relationship where this happened...it is, by far, the worst thing that can be done to another person. IF you dont have trust, you have absolutly nothing. The entire relationship is founded on trust.


has this actually happened to anyone? I mean, who here is speaking from experiance either way. just curious.

md

 

[Big Mike]

It seems to me that it's fairly black & white...cheating is a breech of trust and without trust... :? however...

But...what about levels of cheating? For most people, sex is the breaking point...what about flirting? Talking? Hanging out?

What if it's just another friendship? Spending time with someone else (of either sex) could be considered time & attention cheating. After all, it's time & energy that could be spent on your spouse. Most people would agree that good friends are OK...even beneficial to the person's spousal relationship. Could sex be thought of the same way? In some societies, it's a lot more acceptable to have both a wife and a mistress. Is it acceptable if someone has extramarital sex but does not love the mistress, and still loves the spouse very much?

There are things more intimate than the physical act of intercourse. What would be worse...to find out that your spouse had got drunk and slept with someone...or that they had been sending love letters back & forth with someone for a year?

 

[markc]

If anything is done on the sly, it immediately ups the ante. That is the whole point for me. I'm not saying the my SO can't have secrets, but these things need to be discussed ahead of time. Assuming that they have, then anything that is kept hidden to purposely deceive is going to be a big problem, whatever it is.

Everyone's level of comfort is different; that's why it needs to be talked about.

 

[oriecat]

Matt, I am so sorry you've gone through this. :hug: I'm just talking hypothetical myself. I know this is one of those things where you can't really know how it will affect you until you are really there.

I am also curious about how people with children view it, if differently. You hear so often about how people are staying together for the sake of the children. I can see how people can think it would be better, but then I also think is it better for the children to see their parents in an untrusting, loveless relationship? Wouldn't that possibly screw up how they might view relationships in their future? I don't know. Just thinking out loud...

And those are really good points, Big Mike. Whole other thoughts to ponder.

 

[Walt]

It's all a matter of integrity. In my life I've made a commitment to my wife just about 25 years ago and as with any commitment, I live by it. If I felt the draw for other relationships was more important than the one I have, the right thing to do is to end the one your in FIRST. Have I had opportunity and been tempted? Come on, I'm a man! In the end I can still look at myself in the mirror.

 

[danicat2000]

Wow, can we clone Walt?

To say all that for free is seriously admirable in my book. (Im assuming your wife doesn't know what you said and therefore no additional marriage points were scored)

You da man. Even though women are attracted to the bad boys, after they've been married for a while what they *really* want is a guy like Walt.

 

[Walt]

Shucks, you're making me blush!
And no, my wife hasn't seen my ramblings!