how to be a good friend in this situation? need opinions

[Tailgunner]

Wait if I get the story right R was married to S and is now in effect divorced without the paperwork.

M is now dating S

Why are you telling R? It's my impression that R is aware that S is dating and seeing other women, hence his reason for no longer living with her. That you happen to know one of his new dates isn't really important to R.

This^

 

[Parker219]

Do you have any pics of the girl with cleavage?

Just trying to lighten the mood.

I am brutally open and honest, plus I have no filter, so it would be easy for me to tell s, m, b, c , a, r, and a green number 4 uno card whats going on.

 

[runnah]

The only thing I am confused about is why you decribed them physically.

I find level of attractiveness crucial in my decision making process.

 

[limr]

The only thing I am confused about is why you decribed them physically.

I'm not sure about R, but it seems that M's appearance is a clue to her mental state. If she's back to being blonde and taking care of her appearance, that could help understand if she is or isn't still too fragile to hear something negative about the man she just started dating.

 

[mmaria]

First of all thank you for trying to help me! I really appreciate it.

A few more clarifications...

I described them physically because I thought it would be easier for you to memorize which is R and which is M. I posted here because I wanted really to have some objective opinions (Thanks Jaca).

I consider both of them as my closest friends. Being friends means being with them in good and especially being there for them in bad times. I'm like that...

R and I went through a lot together over the years and I already told that we're as close as friends can be. Not telling her is not an option at all. I just need a courage to do it.

I went through less with M... considering what has been happening with her, 5 years ago and now, I'm actually one of the rare people who didn't leave her. Fake friends will leave when bad things are happening and mental illness scare out the most of people. She has just a few people that are still ok with her and family... and this last time she really made a huge mess.

R and S weren't in a lousy relationship, or marriage. S was always good to R and R was happy. S was never a playboy, well, until these past few months since he cheated on her. I spent a tons of time with both of them and there is no chance for me to see just one side of the story. R and I actually met S together. I didn't like him because of some things in his behaviour but we were always ok to each other. He cheated her in February and moved out in April. She was shocked because she thought everything is great, he was great to her and their child. I wasn't shocked, because deep down inside I knew that he'll do that eventually.

M got released from the hospital somewhere in February too and got divorced in May. So everything is so fresh.

The only thing I'm sure about is that M and S were talking about me, in a sense that they figured out that they both know me. I know that's the fact because of the way she wrote me. Usually when she meet someone or we talk about someone we will send a link to his/her fb or show a picture. That's how I first saw her ex hb Srd. Now, she mentioned his name and surname and her writing was completely casual, like I know who is he.
Why two of them would even mentioned me?... well, I and M grew up in the same town, which has a memorable name, and I'm the only person S knows from that town (and he only knows a few people from my state also)...until he met her... They probably brought that up while getting to know each other, like basic information "where are you from..."


I'll see if I missed something else to mention.

 

[pgriz]

I like Sharon's advice. Also, it appears your two friends don't know each other. The other aspect that I'm not clear on, is whether M's emotional state stabilized when she started seeing S. If so, telling her NOT to see S may send her back down again. However, if she started controlling her life and THEN started seeing S, then she should be able to handle a good friend's advice. Dunno. People freshly in love are all hormones and no sense.

 

[limr]

^^Poor form and totally unnecessary.

(Edited: Directed at a now-deleted post, not at pgriz's comment. I don't think it's even possible for pgriz to write an unnecessary comment in poor form! )

 

[JacaRanda]

You have received some good advice and opinions. Seems like you are just measuring the best way to approach the decision you have already made :thumbup:.

If mmaria was in R's shoes, what would she want me to do - If mmaria was in M's shoes, what would she want me to do??

 

[mmaria]

If so, telling her NOT to see S may send her back down again.

just to be clear on something else... I didn't mention I want to warn M about S, it even didn't cross my mind to warn her ot tell her not to see him. I wouldn't tell that to nobody!. It's something that has been concluded without me saying it... misunderstanding..

The only thing I want to tell M, is the simple truth, not indications, warnings, predictions about S etc.

She is in a good state now but I'm not sure how good.

 

[mmaria]

You have received some good advice and opinions. Seems like you are just measuring the best way to approach the decision you have already made :thumbup:.

If mmaria was in R's shoes, what would she want me to do - If mmaria was in M's shoes, what would she want me to do??

If I was in R's shoes I would definitely want her to tell me and got seriously angry at her if she didn't tell me. Simple, that are friends for.

If I was in M's shoes I have no idea what I would like her to do or tell me. I can't even pretend to know how it is for her going through what she is going through.

 

[mmaria]

^^Poor form and totally unnecessary.

I think you need to edit your comment because gary's comment got deleted and you're telling that to Paul now

Thanks who ever deleted that comment!

 

[limr]

^^Poor form and totally unnecessary.

I think you need to edit your comment because gary's comment got deleted and you're telling that to Paul now

Thanks who ever deleted that comment!

Oops, you're right! My thanks, too, to whoever deleted it.

 

[pgriz]

Well, since M is the one who told you of her relationship to S, maybe the only reply you need to give is to say "Yes, I know S. He was married to another friend of mine, and as far as I know, still is." Then it's up to M to either ignore this knowledge (which tells you she doesn't want to know more), or follow it up (in which case you again should be telling only the basic reasons). The other aspect is that M may not be the only woman that S is seeing, and in fact she may be one of many. By ackowledging M's statement to you, and responding to it, you ARE being a friend, without being judgemental about the situation. But other than that, it's not in your sphere of influence.

 

[mmaria]

^^Poor form and totally unnecessary.

(Edited: Directed at a now-deleted post, not at pgriz's comment. I don't think it's even possible for pgriz to write an unnecessary comment in poor form! )

oh thank you Leonore for giving me a laugh!

 

[mmaria]

Well, since M is the one who told you of her relationship to S, maybe the only reply you need to give is to say "Yes, I know S. He was married to another friend of mine, and as far as I know, still is." Then it's up to M to either ignore this knowledge (which tells you she doesn't want to know more), or follow it up (in which case you again should be telling only the basic reasons). The other aspect is that M may not be the only woman that S is seeing, and in fact she may be one of many. By ackowledging M's statement to you, and responding to it, you ARE being a friend, without being judgemental about the situation. But other than that, it's not in your sphere of influence.

I know for a fact that he's still dating the women he cheated R with.

Oh God!I've just realized that I completely disregarded this information!