How to give a cat a pill

[Darfion]

Instructions:

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right fore finger and thumb on either side of cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw away soggy pill.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Royal Doulton Figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel, and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply plaster to spouses fore-arm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed car into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash down pill.

14. Get spouse to drive you to casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call a furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

 

[Corry]

:LOL:

 

[Artemis]

Heres what that cat reminds me of.

Heheh nice one

 

[aggiezach]

Zach

 

[Hertz van Rental]

I used to have a cat that was a master at this game. It was ten minutes of flesh-shredding Hell to get her to swallow the pill but it was managed eventually. The only thing was that she could regurgitate the pill - in pristine condition - up to 15 minutes later.
I found this out one day when I moved the sofa one day and found a neat pile of all the pills I had given her over the year. There were over 20!

 

[Darfion]

I have three cats of my own. A welding glove from work comes in very handy.

 

[airgunr]

We used to have a cat like that but worse. Even the vet couldn't get a pill down her.

We brought her in and he didn't believe us that you couldn't get her to take a pill. He said, "I've got a fool proof method that always works."

Ten minutes later he came out looking pretty disheveled with a pack of needles and a bottle of medicine and told us that we needed to give her shots. He never did get the pill down her.

I ended up having to give her shots for 2 weeks twice a day. Man I hated that but it worked better than pills.

 

[mrsid99]

Been there done that!
Thanks for the chuckles Darren.

 

[ferny]

Hehe. :mrgreen:

My cat seems to like me, she tries her hardest not to scratch me.
Everyone else gets clawed to shreds. :twisted:

We've only tried to give her a pill once. She foamed at the mouth so we never did it again. :shock:

 

[ferny]

I remember reading a very funny bit on bathing a cat. I've searched but can't find the exact one. I found these two everywhere though. The second one is nearer to the one I remember.


METHOD #1: CAT BATHING AS A MARTIAL ART

1. Know that although the kitty cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, we recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

2. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. We recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

3. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)

4. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have now begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

5. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

6. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.

7. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.



METHOD #2: FLUSH 'N FLUFF

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power wash and rinse' which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The Dog

 

[Corry]

BUEHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Ferny, that second one is HILARIOUS! I will have to read the other one later...I need to be leavin for work!