Oh, my father-in-law...

[HitenNainaney]

can't it be as simple as having an honest chat with him telling him off in a funny way that " really *insert name* , you think i'm an amateur in photography ? "

I would've done that. nothing as honest as a good honest conversation I say.

But you know him better, so you'd be in a better position to decide.

 

[AmberAtLoveAndInk]

It almost sounds like he might be quietly harboring a smidge of jealousy that you're a young entrepreneur, while he's old and works for the man, and he wants to kick you down a notch. This would seem to be supported by him butting in to your conversation with the phone guy just to point out that you're an amateur, or whatever it is he said.

Now, I say this not knowing a thing about the man. It's just a hunch based on the very limited info provided. I definitely know people who would behave in this way.

I couldn't say he is doing this,he really is a sweet man. A little intimidating and sometimes hard with his words but I know he cares for me. He's a quiet type, doesn't especially go out of his way to talk to me about things, usually opening a conversation up with asking how his grandson is since that's a good middle ground. He may be jealous, but I doubt it. He's probably pulling about $90-150k a year. If I was making that much I sure wouldn't be jealous.

Well, perfect. Take part of your summer fun fund, go out to Ebay and get a nice used entry level DSLR, and then give it to your father in law as a gift and ask him you'r really like to go out and take some pictures with him. It will give you a chance to spend some more time together, give him a better appreciation and understanding of what it is you do, and will most likely bring the two of you to a better understanding.

That's actually sounds like an awesome idea.. I might have to look into that!

 

[The_Traveler]

Clearly there are issues here that aren't photography.

And confounding them by trying to make your husband do something that he doesn't want to will only escalate the problem and stands a decent chance of making you the bad guy.

My suggestion of Plan B.

Get together an actual presentation, with samples images, price sheets, everything.
(If you have flattering good pictures of older men, be certain to include them)
Invite your F-in-law to a neutral place for coffee - tell him that you want to talk about something serious and ask him to keep it confidential between you and him and your m-in-law.
Then start by asking him does he like your grandchild and does he think your husband is happy and if he likes you.

Do not warn him what is happening.

Then show him pictures and price sheets and any other paper associated with the work including a Profit and Loss page.
Tell him where the money goes and why doing this makes you feel good and contributes to the family.

Do not ask him anything except routine acknowledgement that he understands what he is seeing.

When this is all done, tell him that when he does things like x, y and z, EVEN THOUGH HE MEANS WELL, when you are working so hard, you feel unhappy and unappreciated.

Then shut up, look at him and say nothing.

 

[Overread]

Sometimes its best to not let pride get in the way of life - otherwise you can end up full of pride and alone in the corner. Where you've families where there's a clear one group is richer than the other there are many ways to approach such a relationship; I think that if your parents-in-law are willing to invest in you and your family then by all means take that investment. If you want to best show that you ARE capable and supporting yourselves maybe ask to see if they can give you those gifts in the form of putting the money into a savings account - maybe working toward helping pay for college fees and university costs for the kids (ergo grand-kids) rather than entertainment for yourselves in the now.

Thus you're supporting yourself, whilst at the same time allowing your childrens grandparents to be part of their life and to help support them - even if in the longer term.

 

[chanda95]

I have dealt with this..not necessarily with photography..but with the artist side of things. I think what people from the outside don't understand is..that when you are in a field such as this (art, photography, etc), you are pretty passionate about it. I am constantly being bombarded with "gifts" to add to my art supply collection. The issue with that is, no matter how well meaning, I am picky about the supplies I use and crayola brand watercolor pencils just aren't going to cut it. Neither is the generic sketch paper from Hobby Lobby. Neither is the "learning to draw" book that I probably could have used when I was 7.

It used to bother me a lot..but as I have gotten older those things no longer are an issue. I know what I am capable of and where my strengths and weaknesses are. I also know that I have a talent that may not have reached its peak yet..but it's also not anything to sneeze at either. It's taken a while to develop the thicker skin but it has to be done if you want to continue on at the higher level you are working at. Not everybody is going to agree with your work, not everybody is going to like your work and not everybody is going to understand your work. You can't let them get the better of you.

I agree - learn to let it go (I know it's easier said than done, believe me) - but in time you will be happy you did. Your photography skills speak for themselves and people will see that. It's obvious your father in law doesn't completely "get" it and to be honest I think trying to make him see your point of view will only make your anxiety grow and strain your relationship. You don't need that. Continue to have confidence in yourself and your skills and set aside any feelings or need to change his thoughts. As long as you are doing what you love that's what matters most. Continue to learn and grow in your skills and let him be. Don't tell him anything. Work on yourself, your skills and building your client base. His thoughts and opinions are moot at this point. It sounds like he is trying to be helpful while not completely understanding your world of photography. He may get it in time..or he may not. I have family members to this very day who still buy me crap I will never ever use (thank goodness I have a child I can hand that stuff down to). Just keep plugging along. I visited your web-site and think you do lovely work.

 

[robbins.photo]

Sometimes its best to not let pride get in the way of life - otherwise you can end up full of pride and alone in the corner. Where you've families where there's a clear one group is richer than the other there are many ways to approach such a relationship; I think that if your parents-in-law are willing to invest in you and your family then by all means take that investment. If you want to best show that you ARE capable and supporting yourselves maybe ask to see if they can give you those gifts in the form of putting the money into a savings account - maybe working toward helping pay for college fees and university costs for the kids (ergo grand-kids) rather than entertainment for yourselves in the now.

Thus you're supporting yourself, whilst at the same time allowing your childrens grandparents to be part of their life and to help support them - even if in the longer term.

Yup.. that and the fact that the father in law is purchasing these DVD's and books shows that he's really making an effort to help support her photography business. Granted it's ham handed but still if he honestly thought the business was a total waste of time he wouldn't bother.

 

[BrickHouse]

Just an anecdotal observation: Sometimes too, our children will always be nothing more than children. I'm a physician, a doctor, I save lives for a living, and spent 15 years training to learn how to do that, but do you think that I'm in the least bit qualified to diagnose or give medical advice when it comes to my family or my wife's family?? Of course not, what the hell do I know, I'm just their son or son-in-law. They don't mean anything by it, they just will never be able to see me as anything but the young kid they remember.

 

[Derrel]

Your more recent comments show me something. You might want to read the books Toxic Inlaws and Toxic Parents. The nature of the parent/child relationship you've mentioned is covered in those two books. Your husband's refusal to address a "touchy issue" and the in-laws' use of money are both key issues. You're having a problem and it's being swept under the rug. Either of those books will give a perspective that's not commonly well understood by most people, or which is actually MIS-understood by the majority of people.

Not sure if this is serious? Lol

I am deadly serious about this. I'm not kidding you at all. Read either one of the books. As I STATED, the issues you've mentioned, being treated like a child, a grown man who cannot talk to his parents about a serious "touchy issue",and more are all detailed in this book, Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life: Susan Forward, Craig Buck: 9780553381405: Amazon.com: Books

For you, you'd probably enjoy/be horrified by reading this one: Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage: Susan Forward: 9780060507855: Amazon.com: Books

"Susan Forward's practical and powerful book will help couples cope with terrible and toxic in–laws.Toxic in–laws are in–laws who create genuine chaos through various assaults––aggressive or subtle––on you and your marriage. Toxic–in laws come in a wide variety of guises, " The Critics.; ", who tell you what you're doing wrong, "The Controllers.;", who try to run you and your partner's life, " The Engulfers.;", who make incessant demands on your time, " The Masters of Chaos.;", who drain you and your partner with their problems, and, " The Rejecters.;", who let you know they don't want you as part of their family.
Susan Forward draws on real–life voices and stories of both women and men struggling to free themselves from the frustrating, hurtful and infuriating relationships with their toxic in–laws. Dr. Forward offers you highly effective communication and behavioral techniques for getting through to partners who won't or can't stand up to their parents. Next, she lays out accessible and practical ways to reclaim you marriage from your in–laws. She shows you what to say, what to do and what limits to set. If you follow these strategies, you may not turn toxic in–laws into the in–laws of your dreams, but you will find some peace in your relationship with them."

And yes, I am totally serious. My point is, a LOT of people MIS-understand how family dynamics really work, and offer ridicuolous advice, based on fairy-tale understanding of family dynamics.

 

[AmberAtLoveAndInk]

Your more recent comments show me something. You might want to read the books Toxic Inlaws and Toxic Parents. The nature of the parent/child relationship you've mentioned is covered in those two books. Your husband's refusal to address a "touchy issue" and the in-laws' use of money are both key issues. You're having a problem and it's being swept under the rug. Either of those books will give a perspective that's not commonly well understood by most people, or which is actually MIS-understood by the majority of people.

Not sure if this is serious? Lol

I am deadly serious about this. I'm not kidding you at all. Read either one of the books. As I STATED, the issues you've mentioned, being treated like a child, a grown man who cannot talk to his parents about a serious "touchy issue",and more are all detailed in this book, Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life: Susan Forward, Craig Buck: 9780553381405: Amazon.com: Books

For you, you'd probably enjoy/be horrified by reading this one: Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage: Susan Forward: 9780060507855: Amazon.com: Books

"Susan Forward's practical and powerful book will help couples cope with terrible and toxic in–laws.Toxic in–laws are in–laws who create genuine chaos through various assaults––aggressive or subtle––on you and your marriage. Toxic–in laws come in a wide variety of guises, " The Critics.; ", who tell you what you're doing wrong, "The Controllers.;", who try to run you and your partner's life, " The Engulfers.;", who make incessant demands on your time, " The Masters of Chaos.;", who drain you and your partner with their problems, and, " The Rejecters.;", who let you know they don't want you as part of their family.
Susan Forward draws on real–life voices and stories of both women and men struggling to free themselves from the frustrating, hurtful and infuriating relationships with their toxic in–laws. Dr. Forward offers you highly effective communication and behavioral techniques for getting through to partners who won't or can't stand up to their parents. Next, she lays out accessible and practical ways to reclaim you marriage from your in–laws. She shows you what to say, what to do and what limits to set. If you follow these strategies, you may not turn toxic in–laws into the in–laws of your dreams, but you will find some peace in your relationship with them."

And yes, I am totally serious. My point is, a LOT of people MIS-understand how family dynamics really work, and offer ridicuolous advice, based on fairy-tale understanding of family dynamics.

Well I have always been a reader.. Guess ill thumb it and see what you're talking about. I don't think they're toxic though, just a little too attached to their son and he a little too attached to them. I can deal with the family quarrels, since most people have inlaws that are wayyyy worse. Some inlaws I know wont even talk to my friend directly (they're daughter in law) so I am thankful that despite their condescending ways about my photography business, they still actually care about me and am happy (I think) that I'm their daughter in law. So again ill let the family matters pass and just focus on the treatment of my business. I can bite my tongue about the rest.

 

[Derrel]

just a little too attached to their son and he a little too attached to them.

That's alll in the books.

The funds his parents are depositing in your bank account...who actually makes the deposits? Do your in-laws give the money secretly to their son,and does he make bank deposits? Or do your in-laws actually have deposit slips?

 

[vintagesnaps]

What Brickhouse said...

You have to realize you've only been doing this for a year, it's a sideline, you've been trying to get it going in a larger market instead of your hometown, it takes time to build up a business - so calling you semipro probably is his perception of it (whether that's accurate or not).

You might need to do certain things on your own during the day (like going to the store about your phone) or whenever he would be at work and not available, so he won't necessarily be coming along (let your husband be the one to help him go pick out a new phone). It sounds like there may be issues beyond the photography and you might need to prioritize what is most important to talk to your husband about so you can start making some adjustments (as mentioned like access to your bank account) which might be a process that could take some time. Or if things continue to be problematic you might need to see what resources you can find to provide you some support and suggestions on how to best handle it.

 

[robbins.photo]

So again ill let the family matters pass and just focus on the treatment of my business. I can bite my tongue about the rest.

Honestly I think that would be your best bet. I guess my thought process is, at the moment maybe your husband is a little to attached to his parents. But you know what? Yes, you can force him to choose between you and them, but in the end, to what benefit? What do you really gain? I know what you'd probably be looking for is to just dial things back a bit, have him be a little less attached - but really in the end no matter what you do or how you approach it, your looking at an all or nothing sort of affair.

So you can put up with your Father in Law's minor annoying habits and maybe just work on improving that from an angle - or you can get a full head of steam up, read all the self-help books on the subject, and go at this head on forcing everyone else to acknowledge your point of view (as others have suggested, not implying you suggested going this route yourself) and you can have this whole thing wind up being a Jerry Springer episode.

Me personally I don't really think it's worth it - sometimes it's just better to be happy than right.

 

[terri]

So again ill let the family matters pass and just focus on the treatment of my business. I can bite my tongue about the rest.

Honestly I think that would be your best bet. I guess my thought process is, at the moment maybe your husband is a little to attached to his parents. But you know what? Yes, you can force him to choose between you and them, but in the end, to what benefit? What do you really gain? I know what you'd probably be looking for is to just dial things back a bit, have him be a little less attached - but really in the end no matter what you do or how you approach it, your looking at an all or nothing sort of affair.

So you can put up with your Father in Law's minor annoying habits and maybe just work on improving that from an angle - or you can get a full head of steam up, read all the self-help books on the subject, and go at this head on forcing everyone else to acknowledge your point of view (as others have suggested, not implying you suggested going this route yourself) and you can have this whole thing wind up being a Jerry Springer episode.

Me personally I don't really think it's worth it - sometimes it's just better to be happy than right.

Agreed. Hopefully just kicking all this around with us here has given you enough to think about.

Your in laws will NOT be around forever, and you keep saying they honestly mean no harm. Let it ride. I also liked the idea of going out shooting with your FIL, that would be a lovely experience, and your expertise would become obvious - without you having to say a word, or show him your portfolio (which could backfire, if he doesn't get what he's seeing). Enjoy the time together, appreciate that they enjoy lavishing their family with little gifts - and peace out.

There are so many ways things could be bad for you in life - this isn't one of them.

 

[minicoop1985]

Like always, taser.

 

[robbins.photo]

Like always, taser.

Well what if her father in law just happens to be a cyborg from the not so distant future sent back in time to kill a waitress, but he was then reprogrammed to be a good guy even though he still couldn't pronounce California?

What then Mr. Smartypants?

Lol - see, this is why I prefer the Springer method. When in doubt, lob a chair at their head.