I got sober in 1987, and stayed so until 2001 when I ruptured the inter-vertebral disc between L4 and L3. It is not an accuse for for picking up the bottle again, it is why I started drinking again.
I went to a big AA speaker meeting a long time ago and the guy was supposed to have 29 years of sobriety. I was pretty new to recovery and was impressed and looking forward to what wisdom he might impart on us. Boy was I surprised when he said that 4 months previous, he came to the conclusion that, for a while, he was just looking for an excuse to drink again, after 29 years of sobriety. He said his excuse turned out to be that his wife died of cancer. And now all he had was 4 months of sobriety - the same as me.
It was difficult for me, at that time, because I believed there would come a time that drinking would no longer be a problem for me. I wasn't sure I if it would just become natural for me not to drink, or if I ever did after a long enough period of not drinking, that I might be able to do it like normal people did. After listening to his story that night, I realized I would never be truly free of my disease, addiction, problem or whatever you want to call it. I call it addiction because alcohol was not my favorite drug, it was just my first and always my backup.
It is still a mystery to me why I never got a DUI or had an accident. Seems like there was a long period I was loaded every time I got behind the wheel (or handlebars of my motorcycle). I don't know why I didn't die my last day of getting loaded. I was in a stolen van, driving 50-70 mph down a logging road in the mountains, pissed off because my attempt to end my life had failed and I just didn't care if I went off a steep embankment or slammed into a tree.
Here it is, 29 years of my own sobriety later and I still remember that guy's story and how every day is a chance for me to stay sober and do so many things I only thought I could do well enough while drinking and know I am doing them better today and without any regret. There have been a few obstacles in my life that I could have easily used for an excuse to start getting loaded again. I've lost jobs, relatives have died, girlfriends have broken up with me (or I them) and I've seen a number of my AA friends go back to drinking with very little apparent consequence at the time. Most have since died.
Seven years ago I found out I had lung disease and was given "two, maybe three years." My closest friend mentioned several times that I could go back to drinking and drugging without much worry now. But he's wrong. I never got to that complacent place where I thought not drinking would be natural. But I did come to the realization that the drinking and drugging was just a tiny part of my real problems. And I would never be able to solve any of my real problems as long as I masked them with booze and dope.
So, I know that I could die in my sleep or have another heart attack at any time. My goal is to do that sober. Until that time comes, I will keep practicing being a better human and try to learn how to take better pictures. I don't know if you find any of this helpful, but it helped me to write it. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to turn your mistake into a lesson for me.
Jim
![[No title]](/data/xfmg/thumbnail/32/32930-09414fc020c2a60a456ff59a05c5ef8f.jpg?1734162706)
