pgriz
Been spending a lot of time on here!
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Canon is finally revealing the reason behind its quest for higher and higher megapixel counts across their sensors. It wasnt about the pixels! And all those Digic-4 processors, they werent about video,but about something entirely different. Introducing the Canon D2 model, with a sensor 50% larger than full-frame and 64 MB pixel count. Instead of 57 focusing points, the camera has only one, but its the one that counts, as it focuses automatically on whatever part of the scene you look at, thanks to the infrared eye-sensing sensors mounted around the eyepiece. By tracking the spots covered by the photographers saccadic gaze, the system senses what parts of the scene are of interest, and adjusts the depth of focus accordingly. A special circuit is used to take face-recognition to a new level by ensuring that the eyes so detected are ALWAYS in focus.
The system also uses context-aware matrix metering in adjusting the horizon lines automatically, even if the horizon is not visible. Furthermore, the system reframes pictures to favor positioning of key elements at the power positions, following the rule of thirds, shifting the view up to 50% to accommodate the correct composition. As a further innovation, Canon introduces context-aware automatic ISO, which determines which parts of the scene are in excess of the nominal dynamic range of the sensor, and adjusts the ISO of individual pixels to give HDR straight out of the camera. Manufacturers of graduated density filters will go broke as the system automatically compensates for uneven lighting.
The D2 model also features intelligent shutter selection, by tracking both the speed of the objects covered by the photographers gaze and by the motion-awareness of the camera position itself, determining, for instance if the photographer was panning a moving auto, or trying to freeze a darting hummingbird. In a further breakthrough, the camera instantly recalibrates itself if it detects swear words (in eight languages), and chooses a somewhat different set of exposure settings. If those continue to cause verbal distress, then it plays soothing and appropriate quotations from Ken Rockwell. The audio processing unit is fully capable of recognizing not only the commands but the intent of the commands through the tone of the command, replacing the many buttons and dials that frustrate most photographers.
Of course, a camera is nothing without its lenses, and the D2 does not disappoint. The new M-series of lenses set a new standard of accuracy and capability. The built in 1 kilowatt laser instantly removes twigs and grasses, and errant limbs that may stray in the path of the perfect picture. Does that telephone pole ruin the view? Just eyeball the offending element and whisper vaporize. The firmware even removes any traces of smoke from the resulting masterpiece. It is true that frequent use of this tool does drain the battery rather quickly, but additional external power units are available.
Since it is well known that memory cards get filled up at inconvenient moments, the D2 features automated uplink of images to the cloud repository of your choice. You can now have the awesome power of the Google data farm at your disposal. In partnership with Adobe, Canon has replaced the DPP software with a more capable variant that reworks your uploaded photos automatically in the style of Ansel Adams, Dorothea Lange, Yousuf Karsh, Henri Cartier-Bresson, Tim Flach, Bryan Peterson, or even Ken Rockwell. Context-sensitive cloning has nothing on artist-sensitive enhancement.
The release of the R2 photo enhancement speedlite will be announced shortly.
"Canon", "Nikon", "Adobe", "Google", "Ken Rockwell" "DPP" are all trademarks owned by the respective trademark holders.
.... just kidding.
The system also uses context-aware matrix metering in adjusting the horizon lines automatically, even if the horizon is not visible. Furthermore, the system reframes pictures to favor positioning of key elements at the power positions, following the rule of thirds, shifting the view up to 50% to accommodate the correct composition. As a further innovation, Canon introduces context-aware automatic ISO, which determines which parts of the scene are in excess of the nominal dynamic range of the sensor, and adjusts the ISO of individual pixels to give HDR straight out of the camera. Manufacturers of graduated density filters will go broke as the system automatically compensates for uneven lighting.
The D2 model also features intelligent shutter selection, by tracking both the speed of the objects covered by the photographers gaze and by the motion-awareness of the camera position itself, determining, for instance if the photographer was panning a moving auto, or trying to freeze a darting hummingbird. In a further breakthrough, the camera instantly recalibrates itself if it detects swear words (in eight languages), and chooses a somewhat different set of exposure settings. If those continue to cause verbal distress, then it plays soothing and appropriate quotations from Ken Rockwell. The audio processing unit is fully capable of recognizing not only the commands but the intent of the commands through the tone of the command, replacing the many buttons and dials that frustrate most photographers.
Of course, a camera is nothing without its lenses, and the D2 does not disappoint. The new M-series of lenses set a new standard of accuracy and capability. The built in 1 kilowatt laser instantly removes twigs and grasses, and errant limbs that may stray in the path of the perfect picture. Does that telephone pole ruin the view? Just eyeball the offending element and whisper vaporize. The firmware even removes any traces of smoke from the resulting masterpiece. It is true that frequent use of this tool does drain the battery rather quickly, but additional external power units are available.
Since it is well known that memory cards get filled up at inconvenient moments, the D2 features automated uplink of images to the cloud repository of your choice. You can now have the awesome power of the Google data farm at your disposal. In partnership with Adobe, Canon has replaced the DPP software with a more capable variant that reworks your uploaded photos automatically in the style of Ansel Adams, Dorothea Lange, Yousuf Karsh, Henri Cartier-Bresson, Tim Flach, Bryan Peterson, or even Ken Rockwell. Context-sensitive cloning has nothing on artist-sensitive enhancement.
The release of the R2 photo enhancement speedlite will be announced shortly.
"Canon", "Nikon", "Adobe", "Google", "Ken Rockwell" "DPP" are all trademarks owned by the respective trademark holders.
.... just kidding.
- so why worry about spending time here versus another post? Heck, the OP must have a finger on the pulse of photography and TPF in order to write such a decent parody - I'd keep an eye out for other posts.)
