Its Over.

[LaFoto]

That is what seems to be the situation now.
In six weeks from now, things might look all different!!! Who knows.
If you don't dig yourself into a burrow now, blaming yourself all the while or accepting all the blame, then Michelle might still see what a good partner and step-father for her kids you are ... and even if you might not get back to being a couple, you might still get the chance to see your step-children grow up!!! My best friend is in partnership with a man now who has never had kids of his own, he is now accepting hers and was before accepting those of his previous woman-friend, and they still come along to his mother's birthday, for example, as if they were his own kids! And my friend is accepting those two boys as "his step-sons" just naturally. Despite the fact that he never got any RIGHTS over those kids, by law, for he has never been married. And I am sure when that relationship to his previous woman-friend broke up, he felt as down and disappointed and sad and left out and without rights and all that.
Time will tell that it need not be like that.

 

[Rob]

As someone with first-hand experience of depression - I can tell you that although it seems really bad right now, it will get better. The darkness is hard to avoid, and things often come along all at once, with it being very difficult to see anything other than the crushing weight of problems. However, things will get improve, they always do!

It doesn't sound like you are at the stage where it is all all over forever. There may be problems, and you may not get entirely what you want, but shutting off now is going to make matters worse - despite the emotions. As Corinna says, #1 is the most important person to look out for; your long-term happiness is the most important thing.

Make sure you're saying these things to the right people - express your concern for your kids appropriately, be strong and believe in yourself. Let her know exactly what you're feeling (men can forget to mention that!) and say why you're upset, but try and keep things under control.

Good luck - the extended TPF family will always be here to send good vibes
from around the world to you.

Rob

 

[Alpha]

Everybody keeps saying this but I find it hard to believe. At least right now. For the first time ever I have actually felt like there may not be a tomorrow. That there is no reason to keep going. She was my life. Those two kids were my life. And its all being taken away from me.

I know that a lot of this is my fault and I understand. I take full blame. Its still hard though.

It's distinctly possible that even from here, things can get worse before they get better (in terms of mentality). At least for a little while immediately following something like this, you're in enough shock over the whole thing that it's slightly numbed. When people are gone and the loneliness really starts to set in is when it will get you.

So a few honest words of advice...It's practically impossible not to blame everything on yourself. That's totally natural. But be careful about what you're blaming yourself for. As difficult as it is to see when you're in this kind of state, there are things that are out of your control. Obviously losing your kids and possible fiance are out of your control. Consider that the possiblility that some of the reasons they're leaving are out of your control isn't much of a long shot in comparison. Things will get better, but it will take a long time, it will be a long road to recovery, and you probably will never stop thinking about them in the foreseeable future. All pain and loss aside, if you can believe, even for a second, that you could ever find something good again in life, then you can make it through this. My honest advice is to go to a shrink and get on some meds (and not an SSRI like Zoloft or something, because those take weeks to start working).

I want to take a second to talk about the suicide thing, because i know it's on your mind. If you consider those kids your own, then think about whether they would want a father who killed himself. I know that this is unimaginably hard for you, but committing suicide doesn't offer you any chance to ever understand this, or get any closure. Almost all suidice attempts are cries for help, because people who really want to die almost always succeed in killing themselves. I know that you want help, and you want your life back, but trying to kill yourself won't scare them back into your life, it will just give them another reason to leave. There isn't any easy way to go, either. There's a big difference between an OD and a death by OD. A lot of people who try to kill themselves by downing a bottle of pills end up on waiting lists for new livers and kidneys. Otherwise, they get their stomach pumped and are back out there in the same situation, but with a hospital bill. Trying to slit your wrists is incredibly painful and slow. There are also pretty high incidence rates of people trying to shoot themselves in the head and messing up. Don't tell youself that you're going to do it right, tell youself that you aren't going to do it at all.

You don't deserve to be in this situation. You can't do anything except wait out the storm if you want to make peace with yourself over it.

If you ever feel like you're actually going to kill youself, go to an ER complaining of an anxiety attack. You don't even have to tell them that you're suicidal (because if you do they'll commit you). By the time you sit around for four hours waiting on a psych consult, you'll feel better, and you probably won't even need the Lorazepam they give you.

 

[magicmonkey]

well, this is my first post in the off topic boards but I'm afraid I can't really help myself as I've been through something pretty similar recently when the lady I was looking to marry ran off with another bloke. This was about a month ago and things did get a lot worse from there, the house was an issue, our friends were an issue, thank god there weren't any children involved as I can't imagine how painful that would be.

I can completely understand the not seeing a reason to go on living, I pretty much shut myself in the house and didn't interact with the outside world for weeks as I wasn't willing to have my ex/friends walk all over me again and didn't think I could handle it if they did. anyway, shortly after there was a death in the family (about 2 weeks ago) and I honestly thought life couldn't get any worse, got to the point where I couldn't deal with it on my own and had to turn to friends. That was the point my life started getting better and I started seeing a way out of the depression, it's certainly not over but there's hope again.

If you're going to deal with something like this you need to accept that you are going to feel horrible for a time and get yourself away from whatever it is that's making you feel horrible until you are in a position to deal with it properly, it's that bit of space that makes things manageable even if you are unable to think of anything else most of the time.

I have no idea who you are or what happened in the relationship for it to go so wrong but I've never met a person who was truly to blame accept the blame unconditionally. Besides, relationships don't work like that, you're both to blame and should try to accept that without any guilt (hard I know!)

Anyway, that's my 2 cents worth, if you did want to chat privately feel free to PM me.

 

[Soul Rebel]

As someone with first-hand experience of depression - I can tell you that although it seems really bad right now, it will get better. The darkness is hard to avoid, and things often come along all at once, with it being very difficult to see anything other than the crushing weight of problems. However, things will get improve, they always do!

It doesn't sound like you are at the stage where it is all all over forever. There may be problems, and you may not get entirely what you want, but shutting off now is going to make matters worse - despite the emotions. As Corinna says, #1 is the most important person to look out for; your long-term happiness is the most important thing.

Make sure you're saying these things to the right people - express your concern for your kids appropriately, be strong and believe in yourself. Let her know exactly what you're feeling (men can forget to mention that!) and say why you're upset, but try and keep things under control.

Good luck - the extended TPF family will always be here to send good vibes
from around the world to you.

Rob

I emailed her before I found out what was going on but she never checks her email. I figured what the heck, it was worth a shot.

I also called her mom, where I am positive she still is, and left a message for Michelle on her voice mail. Whether that gets to her remains to be seen.

At this point I am not able to talk to her and it pains me. I want to hear this from her mouth and that its not all just a misunderstanding. That is the worst part. That the woman I love would say this stuff and if things are true, would plan to leave me for at least a month. All while saying we could work things out. I just cant believe it. Im in shock.

Right now its 5:35 AM and I have gotten like 4 hours of sleep. I feel better with the extra sleep but I would like to go back to sleep because I wasnt feeling like this while I was.

I feel childish for bringing this stuff to the boards. I feel that the only time I talk is when something is wrong and that this is something I have caused. Why should I be in so much pain and feel sorry for myself when I caused it?

 

[Soul Rebel]

It's distinctly possible that even from here, things can get worse before they get better (in terms of mentality). At least for a little while immediately following something like this, you're in enough shock over the whole thing that it's slightly numbed. When people are gone and the loneliness really starts to set in is when it will get you.

So a few honest words of advice...It's practically impossible not to blame everything on yourself. That's totally natural. But be careful about what you're blaming yourself for. As difficult as it is to see when you're in this kind of state, there are things that are out of your control. Obviously losing your kids and possible fiance are out of your control. Consider that the possiblility that some of the reasons they're leaving are out of your control isn't much of a long shot in comparison. Things will get better, but it will take a long time, it will be a long road to recovery, and you probably will never stop thinking about them in the foreseeable future. All pain and loss aside, if you can believe, even for a second, that you could ever find something good again in life, then you can make it through this. My honest advice is to go to a shrink and get on some meds (and not an SSRI like Zoloft or something, because those take weeks to start working).

I want to take a second to talk about the suicide thing, because i know it's on your mind. If you consider those kids your own, then think about whether they would want a father who killed himself. I know that this is unimaginably hard for you, but committing suicide doesn't offer you any chance to ever understand this, or get any closure. Almost all suidice attempts are cries for help, because people who really want to die almost always succeed in killing themselves. I know that you want help, and you want your life back, but trying to kill yourself won't scare them back into your life, it will just give them another reason to leave. There isn't any easy way to go, either. There's a big difference between an OD and a death by OD. A lot of people who try to kill themselves by downing a bottle of pills end up on waiting lists for new livers and kidneys. Otherwise, they get their stomach pumped and are back out there in the same situation, but with a hospital bill. Trying to slit your wrists is incredibly painful and slow. There are also pretty high incidence rates of people trying to shoot themselves in the head and messing up. Don't tell youself that you're going to do it right, tell youself that you aren't going to do it at all.

You don't deserve to be in this situation. You can't do anything except wait out the storm if you want to make peace with yourself over it.

If you ever feel like you're actually going to kill youself, go to an ER complaining of an anxiety attack. You don't even have to tell them that you're suicidal (because if you do they'll commit you). By the time you sit around for four hours waiting on a psych consult, you'll feel better, and you probably won't even need the Lorazepam they give you.

I will admit that I dont feel that I could actually kill myself. In the past I have said that things are just too bad and it would be easier to just not be here. Today was the first time I actually had no desire to go on. Im not sure if this was a thought of suicide, as I never sat down to think about what I would do, but I really had no interest in living. I am still not sure why I should, or why it would be worth it without them around.

The sad truth is that outside these message boards, and another I have been around for a few years, I have no friends to discuss this with. I have my mother but she is biased, as she should be. Nobody has given me advice and been brutally honest about it. I needed that. Thank you.

 

[treehuggerhikerboy]

Wow, that's a drag. You know, a lot of people have been through tough times...that's not to minimize what you're going through, but it shows that you can come out the other side wounded and hurt, but still moving.

Are you sure you don't have any friends to talk to? I'm a fan of the forum, but surely contact with another human might be more helpful to you, you know?

Things will get better eventually...whether you believe it now or not.

 

[Verbal]

I really don't know what I can say man, except that I'll definitely be praying for you. And hey, if you ever want to come up to Bellingham for a day we can hang out and get your mind off it!

 

[anicole]

Bless your heart ... :hug::

There have been some very wise posts here ... lots of caring people on this forum. I don't have any sage words, but can and will pray for your situation. Take care of you ... if you're not healthy (mentally and physically) it's going to make the rest a bit worse.

 

[terri]

I feel childish for bringing this stuff to the boards. I feel that the only time I talk is when something is wrong and that this is something I have caused. Why should I be in so much pain and feel sorry for myself when I caused it?

Please, let go of that aspect of it. Just let that part go. We've all vented here at one time or another. Just continue to use this place as a sounding board, because it helps to purge.

Right now you are dealing with a terrible shock, and feeling confused, guilty, angry, sad, and cut off from those you care most about. That's a pretty big load of negative stuff to have weighing on you. Just keep venting here, get that one foot in front of the other, move forward, and let time pass. And this may sound trivial, but - get outside, too, walk, jog, run. Some physical release of tension helps your mind, too.

Take care of yourself. :hug:: I'm sorry this is happening to you.

 

[photo gal]

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: So sorry you are in such pain.:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

 

[Soul Rebel]

Thank you.

I got about 4 hours of sleep, woke up, fell back asleep, and woke up about 3 hours later. So in all I got about 7 hours of crappy sleep. I feel sick to my stomach but I have no interest in eating. I feel empty emotionally. I feel lost. I dont know what to do.

All in all I feel pretty horrible, used, lost, confused, lonely, and at times I feel angry. With all that is being said we are writing down things that have happened so that if it comes to court or something we at least have something to say. This pains me because it forces me to come up with bad stuff about Michelle. I hate it.

 

[Soul Rebel]

I talked to Michelle tonight and things went pretty good. I got the chance to see our youngest. Myron, our oldest, was sleeping and would not get up.

We arent getting back together right now and Michelle wouldnt say whether she thought we would or wouldnt. She said that the decision is up to our oldest. If he accepts me back then we can work on something. She said that she loves me and cares about me and we held each other and cried. She did say that she isnt sure if she is "in love" with me, which hurts, but I guess I cant ask for much more than that.

I have to hold some hope since she says she still loves me, she did hold me, we cried together, she let me see our youngest, and she invited me over. I asked her if we could talk about doing counseling together, which is something we talked about before, and she said maybe.

This has to be positive, right? I do feel a bit better. Still nervouse and a little scared, but I have some hope now. Maybe I shouldnt get my hopes up though. Deep down I think we will get together but I cant say that right now. I dont know. What should I do with this? I love her and the kids so much and I want to make this work.

 

[Rob]

That's great news. It sounds very promising for you to see the kids and likely that you'll at the very least be able to keep things civil between you.

Now all it will take is some time to get things sorted out. Take it all slowly and try and keep things calm. Don't rush her or yourself, take time to adjust to the changes and ease into things slowly. Try to avoid crowding her or putting pressure on her to see you again quickly - remember men and women are fundamentally quite different about arrangements. Keep it cool and you'll get there.

Good luck mate.

Rob

 

[LaFoto]

Just don't be too eager to get it back to work RIGHT NOW when your wounds are still too raw.
This is the moment to sit back and be very, very patient.
She said "maybe". That might mean there is a flicker of hope.
Don't push her now in any way, it might just snuff that flicker.
It is still tough for you and will remain tough. Several things must have happened that were not so well, they need to be thought through, by each of you separately, talked through, and if they cannot be pushed aside, you might have to find new ways of dealing with each other. All is open ... and the wounds are still quite raw.
So treat yourself, Michelle, the kids and the whole situation very, very gently and with utmost care. Don't push. Hold back. Wait. Let things develop, in your mind, in Michelle's mind ... and accept the outcome.