The tight crop isn't working for me.
You'd have to of had a different shooting angle to make that work I think.
One of the reasons the eye can be drawn to the center of the frame is the vignette. This guides the eye slightly to the middle, so use it sparingly and with images where you want to have the viewer look in the middle.
Keep in mind that every piece of processing you do to an image, just like the compositions, angles and settings you shoot with, impact the final product and how it will be seen by the viewer.
EDIT*I played around with the original some and really couldnt get anything I liked. So I guess my next tip is when finding a cool seen like this, shoot many many different angles, focal ranges, settings. If you have the time, really break down the scene with your camera. When I see something interesting, I force myself to take 10 images of it from different angles.*