Some days...

[JimMcClain]

...are just an exercise in frustration. I have this lung thing goin' on, so I don't get to go out to make photographs just any ol' time I want. When I have medical appointments and other things I have to drive to, I try to take advantage and find pictures along the way to and back. Sometimes I feel well enough to take a short drive (a few miles) and get some shots in. Once in a great while I feel like I can go through a few tanks of o2 without too much trouble. Like Sunday last.

I made sure I had all my equipment. I cleaned my camera and lenses the night before and my batteries were all charged up. Late in the afternoon, after a short nap, I loaded up my stuff and my Segway, which I use for mobility and headed to a fairly remote area of the county, 30+ miles from home.

At about the 25 mile mark, I pulled over because I saw what looked like a nice vista from a narrow bridge. I pulled my Seg out, put my camera and lens on the BlackRapid Backpack Strap and another lens in my Seg's bag. I clicked the shutter a couple dozen times from the bridge and glided under and around it on some trails and got another dozen or so from the banks of the creek.

Back on the road, I stopped a few more times to shoot, either from the car windows or just a few steps away from it. I have to conserve my energy and even unloading and re-loading the Seg from the back of my minivan can sap some of that energy.

I got to my intended location and was a little disappointed that the barns in that area weren't as spectacular as I remembered - it's been prob'ly 10 years since I was there last. Some barns were just gone. But I made do and thought I got some pretty nice shots off. I got hassled by a ranch hand for having my car on an access road meant more for ATVs and horses, but there were no signs, so I didn't know.

It wasn't sunset yet, so I decided to take a 15 mile detour, staying on a very narrow back road that can be very scenic. But the sky was cloudless and I just wasn't seeing what I wanted to see. By the time I got home, it was dark and I was pretty wore out. I had taken too many hits on the albuterol inhaler (some call them puffs, but I call them hits because it reminds me of taking hits on a hash pipe back in the old days). A lot more than normal, anyway.

There was enough left in me to upload my pictures to my computer. I was surprised that there was nearly 300 of them on the card. I spent an hour weeding out the terrible. More than half were deleted, but there looked to be a number of decent shots left. I bracketed that day, so there was 3 for every scene, which means less than 50 actual pictures were left. I saved that for the next day.

Monday (it still feels like Monday because I haven't been to bed yet) I took one more look at my images with ACDSee to delete the obvious bad ones before importing into Lightroom. There a bunch more got deleted, but once in a while I would see one I just wanted to start developing right away. The first one I was about 20 minutes into before I realized it should have been deleted. Then I found another that I tried and failed to develop anything exciting with. Then another. As I continued to look and compare my shots, I felt more and more discouraged.

My reaction became one that the whole day was a shitty day. So, rather than continue to fall into that depression, I thought it best to close the programs and leave the pictures alone. I haven't returned to them since because I know my attitude just isn't right yet.

I don't mean this to be a pity party. I know it may seem so, especially since I made my lung disease a part of the story. But my emphysema is, unfortunately, a very big part of my life. So is photography. I sometimes wonder if I didn't pick the camera back up after 30+ years only because I can no longer do the interior/exterior design and remodeling I love so much. And I know there will come a time I won't be able to take the photographic excursions I do, even the short ones. It's a joy to awake every morning, now more than 5 years past my so-called expiration date. The disease has advanced to the point that I can actually feel the difference from one week or one month to the next. I keep thinking, especially during times like the last couple days, don't take my photography away.

It just pisses me off when I feel like I've put extra energy into making beautiful pictures and I have a crappy day like last Sunday. If you've taken the time to read this maudlin post this far, thank you. Thanks for letting me vent. I know the feeling is temporary. And the next time I look at those shots from Sunday, I may find a few keepers. But just in case, I think I am going to take a short nap right now (soon, anyway) and head back out to that same area. I'll stop at a little coffee shop for breakfast, then take that drive on the back roads and see if I can do better this time. Or maybe I'll get tired and pull over to sleep instead (I'm taking a big tank that lasts a few hours along with my regular backpack tanks). I don't think I care, I just want a nice day, pictures or not.

Jim

 

[mmaria]

Ok Jim,

I'm really not good with words and I can't say anything that will be so nice/good/ok that it would make any difference at least for a second.
I just wanted to say that I read what you wrote and it got me thinking.

And... I found this stupid pict on the net, completely unrelated but.. it might make you smile for a moment

 

[pgriz]

Sometime, Jim, it's not what you think you should do, but what you succeed in doing, that should be celebrated. Success is not getting reality to conform to your expectations or hopes, but your capturing reality as it is, in a way that portrays it in a sympathetic and revealing manner. I've seen your work. You have the skills and enough talent to make it work. Your body is what it is. Don't be hard on yourself if you didn't get "the image". Remember the fisherman's saying "a bad day fishing beats a good day at the office". The reward is getting out there, seeing and appreciating what you have. Getting "the image" is a bonus.

 

[mmaria]

see, I knew Paul will know to say something nice. He's natural

 

[Dagwood56]

I know that feeling of frustration Jim, though my health conditions are different from yours, my situation also causes similar frustrations. I was left with permanent peripheral neuropathy [numbness] in my lower legs and feet after high dose chemo treatments back in 2008. Learning how to walk on feet with so little feeling I can literally run a thumbtack into the sole of my foot and not feel it [yes I have done it by accident] it has caused the calf's of my legs to cramp up frequently. Suffice to say I have a lot of trouble walking and I can no longer drive because of it. We also live in a rural area, so walking along our road is dangerous and even when I am in my own backyard, many shots would require me to get low to shoot them and I can't always do that, because I usually need help to stand again.

My husband works 16 hours a day so our time out is limited to two days a week. On Monday he sleeps most of the day which I understand, he works hard and the rest of the day he runs errands, so that leaves just Tuesday for us to actually go out anyplace. Many of those Tuesday's however, involve taking me to the doctor for this test or that shot etc. but I always take along my point&shoot in case I see something interesting along the way. Many times the weather is bad too, so on the few occasions we do actually get out, its quite infuriating to get home only to find that my time and effort amounted to half the photos being just mundane snapshots. Many are deleted, others saved but not edited and it leaves me feeling as though I have wasted a very precious day - not to mention shutter clicks; my alpha 100 is six years old and if it dies, that's it, I can't replace it because finances are tight. I've dug some pretty deep holes for myself at times over the past year and they aren't always easy to get out of.

I hope when you go back to editing the photos that you took on Sunday that you find some good keepers. I will sometimes edit the not so great shots as drawings etc, just so that I can feel the day out was worthwhile on some level. I also hope that if you decide to go back out today that you have better luck. Each day brings new beginnings. Take Care

 

[Designer]

.. don't take my photography away.

Hey there, Jim!

That was a very good post!

I understand landscape photography is your favorite, but if getting out and about is difficult, why not try shifting gears? I mean; not only should you stay close to home, but you could turn to a different type of photography. Plenty to choose from: still life, portraiture, fine art, abstract, and off-the-wall post editing.

 

[KenC]

Jim, I hope you are able to get out and about for quite a while.

Along the lines of what Designer said, check out what this photographer did in his house as he got older:

Image Galleries - Carl Chiarenza

He constructed images using different materials and then photographed them. Some look like landscapes or portraits, others are more abstract.

 

[Buckster]

.. don't take my photography away.

Hey there, Jim!

That was a very good post!

I understand landscape photography is your favorite, but if getting out and about is difficult, why not try shifting gears? I mean; not only should you stay close to home, but you could turn to a different type of photography. Plenty to choose from: still life, portraiture, fine art, abstract, and off-the-wall post editing.

A great suggestion.

I have some sense of the frustrations associated with limited mobility myself. No pity parties wanted, but 15 years and counting so far with an incurable cancer here plus emphysema, though obviously not as bad as Jim's (Spiriva and Albuterol inhalers here, but not oxygen). Between the cancer symptom flare-ups, the ongoing chemo side effects, extended hospital stays, and the shortness of breath from the COPD, generally I'm pretty limited as well. Like Carol, I've also got extreme numbness in certain parts of my legs, feet and fingertips from the extended chemo over all those years. Put it all together and it limits how much time I can spend on my feet without assistance.

When shopping, I always have a cart to use as a kind of walker that I can lean on, even if all I'm getting is a pack of pencils or something. Once in a great while, I'm wiped out enough that I need to use the store's electric shopping scooter.

My health was a big factor in me retiring early and in changing over time from enjoying a lot of extensive hiking and biking and shooting lots of landscapes and wildlife to mostly studio work. I still manage to get out from time to time but not as much as I'd like. On the other hand, it's been good for my studio and editing abilities, I think.

 

[tirediron]

.. don't take my photography away.

Hey there, Jim!

That was a very good post!

I understand landscape photography is your favorite, but if getting out and about is difficult, why not try shifting gears? I mean; not only should you stay close to home, but you could turn to a different type of photography. Plenty to choose from: still life, portraiture, fine art, abstract, and off-the-wall post editing.

Don't forget macro - there's a million great macro shots in every back yard!

 

[Gary A.]

Jim, I found your thread inspiring. I hope that I can have the guts to make myself shoot when everything else tells me to stand down. And today, you're back in the saddle. God bless you , man ... and your photography. I just wish you were down here or I up there ... I'd love to shoot with you.

One thing to remember, once you get overly tired, everything starts narrowing down, in particular your judgement. Your choices become less and things become black or white, right or wrong. Often, in photography, it is those gray images that you can enhance in post that are successful ... keepers. When one is overly tired, most of us don't think outside the box ... when you're overly tired sometimes you miss even the obvious ... like a simple B&W conversion.

Thank you for your post. It has inspired me to not take photography and my lungs for granted. You did not post a pity party, but a bar ... a high bar for others to reach.

Good Luck, Good Shooting and God Bless You,
Gary

PS- I had thought to mention macro also ... but 'F' that ... stay in the saddle.
G

 

[The_Traveler]

well crap, some days life just sucks.
and that's the truth
I've spent more and more of my time lately taking care of a very, very ill wife (that will only end when one of us dies) and that situation is frustrating and depressing and angering all at once.
Being a naturally mercurial person, I've had to learn to control myself and I've gotten great help and solace trying to live up to the Buddhist 4 noble truths.
There is no religious belief in this and it boils down to an existential acceptance that all anger, frustration, sorrow, in fact every negative emotion is caused by our own belief that we have some agency in the tough ways that the world treats us.
I've given that up as much as possible.
I accept what comes along and try to let it go.
It isn't always easy and I lapse into short periods of the same old negativity but I actively work to recover the serenity I get from acceptance of the inevitable without negative emotion.

Four Noble Truths of Buddhism What Are They

 

[JimMcClain]

Thanks for all the nice comments and encouragement. I knew this wasn't a problem that only I had once in a while. Your support means a lot. I've gotten comfortable here at TPF this past year and I'm glad to have become somewhat regular here.

I wasn't able to get any sleep this morning. I guess I was too anxious to get back out there. I felt confident that it would be a more productive session. I got the car loaded up (left the Segway home this time) and took my first shots while the car was warming up. It had rained a little last night and the droplets froze on my windows. The sun had risen about 20 minutes earlier, but the colors were still vibrant through my ice beaded window.

I found this stupid pict on the net, completely unrelated but.. it might make you smile for a moment

It definitely did. Thank you.

I understand landscape photography is your favorite, but if getting out and about is difficult, why not try shifting gears? I mean; not only should you stay close to home, but you could turn to a different type of photography. Plenty to choose from: still life, portraiture, fine art, abstract, and off-the-wall post editing.

And the macro @tirediron mentioned. I do seem to do more landscapes than everything else, but there's plenty more that I like to do - or try. Thanks for the ideas.

Jim, I found your thread inspiring. I hope that I can have the guts to make myself shoot when everything else tells me to stand down. And today, you're back in the saddle. God bless you , man ... and your photography. I just wish you were down here or I up there ... I'd love to shoot with you.

Thanks very much Gary. Ya know, I was kinda inspired by my own post too. Knowing that I can make a post like that here helps a lot. I just had to read it a couple times to realize I was partly cheering myself on. Sometimes I do it in the mirror, sometimes it's those moments I'm still in bed trying to get myself to crawl out and do something, anything.

I've only gone shooting with one other guy since I started back up. I really enjoyed it. 'Course, he's been a close friend for about 40 years. I can't fly (my Seg batteries aren't allowed) and it'd be too long a drive for me, so you might think about a trip to my part of the state - the REAL Northern California. I've seen your pictures too and I think you could prob'ly help me a lot (there's a lot of members here I wouldn't mind shooting with) and it would be fun.

So... I really gotta try to get some sleep now. I keep odd hours (usually don't go to bed until around 4am and up around noon), but staying up all night wasn't my best decision. But I brought home 222 shots, tossed 160 and what's left looks promising. I'll see tonight.

Thanks again everyone.

Jim

 

[AceCo55]

Jim, that was a tremendously inspiring account of a pretty special day. To overcome all the obstacles placed in your way, you kept finding ways to spend a good deal of your day doing the things you love.

I keep thinking ... even if you didn't even put a memory card in the camera that day, you would have had a wonderful day. Out in the air, in the countryside seeing the world through your photographic eye, going through the process of framing/composition/lighting ... priceless.

Yes, it may have been much more rewarding for you to have more keepers but I just get the feeling that this was a magical day anyway. Sometimes the experience is much more valuable than the end product.

Keep shooting when you can ... I really liked the suggestions about taking up other forms of photography closer to home.

 

[JimMcClain]

Thanks @AceCo55. Ya know, I think I was so caught up in the disappointment that I forgot that I did have a really good day. It was very nice out, I love to drive and enjoyed getting off the pavement on my Segway.

Thanks for reminding me.

 

[snerd]

Hang in there, buddy! Take what you can get, and enjoy every second of it!