The Coffee House

[minicoop1985]

Hey guys. Back after another anxiety attack that led to a depressive episode. Also having hallucinations AGAIN. I swear it's like I'm off my antidepressant entirely. This royally sucks.

 

[limr]

Shnikees!!

 

[minicoop1985]

Also had a bout of suicidal thoughts in said depressive episode. Today is just not my day.

 

[vintagesnaps]

Hallucinations? good grief what is up with your medications? I hope this gets stabilized and tomorrow is better since today apparently sucked.



I was thinking the same thing this evening, that it was about time to flip on the game - then realized, oh wait, there isn't game on! lol

C'mon, September! local junior hockey starts by then.

 

[Gary A.]

Hang in there and ride this thing out until you get the meds dialed in. We're all in your corner Appleton Guy.

 

[Gary A.]

It is late ... it took me forever to partially figure out the vent controls on the damn Komado ... but I am final sitting down to my first meal ... and it is wonderful. It is a simple roasted chicken but it is moist and full of flavor with a crispy skin. I tossed in some taters, carrots and a loaf of garlic bread and it all came out so close to perfect that I want to call it perfect. I'm really low on the learning curve with this Komado puppy ... but I can taste the potential. I stuffed the insides of the chicken with orange and onion, the outside was seasoned with pepper, salt, lemons and it all rested on this thick bed of herbs, mostly rosemary and oregano ... and all these flavors plus the flavor of charcoal ... all came through with every bite. This may very well be the last bbq/grill I will ever own.

 

[minicoop1985]

I very much appreciate your support, guys.

Here's the deal. Every 6 months or so, my antidepressant decides to say oh hell no and stop working, then I go into a complete tailspin. Hallucinations are a real pain in the ass when you combine them with anxiety. This time, the hallucinations are absolutely freaky. They used to be fleeting motions in the corner of my eye, but this time they've evolved. One, I saw an entire person out of the corner of my eye. Two, saw a creature that really wasn't there (not just movement, but the whole creature) again out of the corner of my eye. Three, I saw a camera just off center of my vision. Reached for it, it disappeared completely. I can't trust my vision at this point, and being a photographer, that just ain't gonna work.

 

[NancyMoranG]

Wish there was someway to help you MiniCoop
Could you switch to a medication at 5 months that you know works for you? Then, it could be a 'planned' thing you are prepared for? Hope that doesn't sound silly!
We all have something....

 

[minicoop1985]

Thanks, Nancy.

I wish that would solve it, but when I switch, I'd have to deal with this regardless. There's pretty much no way out of this. Without an antidepressant, I'm batsh*t insane, basically, and I would have to taper down to nothing on one to taper up on the other. There may be a right combination out there somewhere, but I'm not holding my breath.

 

[vintagesnaps]

Geez it sounds like that type medication interferes with brain function if it causes you to see things. Wonder if there's any way to help your mind figure out that something you're think you're seeing, you really aren't seeing?

Guess what I'm thinking about is after the stroke I had to 'tell' my foot what to do, or had to see what I was trying to do (they use mirrors a lot in therapy). I could tell when the message wasn't getting thru, my foot would be down there going - what? Still has its neurological goofy moments, I often would visualize and sometimes still have to think what I'm doing with motor functions that we just do without really thinking about it.

Not that it's at all the same thing, and I'm wandering off track, I just got interested in how my brain and nervous system was working (or not) so got to thinking... The brain can recover quite amazingly but it's not so great when it's interfered with. Hope this gets stabilized for you.

 

[limr]

First of all, Michael: It's a terrible thing to have to deal with so frequently, and I admire how you keep fighting.

Second: Oh my god, ya'll, this day! This day...I don't even know what this day was.

It started off with me spilling coffee on one shirt, so I had to change clothes. As I was drying my hair, I noticed that my second shirt had a stain on it right in the front, so outfit change #2. After putting my make-up on, I looked down and realized I got a big glob of make-up on my white shirt on the front...outfit change #3.

Got to work doing placement readings. Big stack of blue books. There were three other readers already there and they'd only done a handful. We were a little chatty because one of the woman had just come back after an angioplasty, so we got a little backed up, but then started getting to the essays. One woman reads at a glacial pace. We're scheduled from 10-12 but it was clear we wouldn't finish by 12. It was about 12:30 when we were given an additonal 30 essays to read. Two women had to leave, so it was just the two of us reading the backlog and then the new batch when another batch of 30 came in. I was there until 3:00. 5 straight hours of reading these essays left me slightly broken.

Then I had to go across the hall to my admin job at the support center which apparently had its very own full moon in operation. After half an hour, I still hadn't even turned my computer on and I hadn't done a thing. This one hadn't seen me in weeks and was catching me up, another one had a speeding ticket and was asking about court, we needed a box of tissues but the drawer was stuck...

Finally about 3:45 I was called to talk about some new thing we're doing for tutors and a simple idea took 20 minutes to talk about because these things always get unnecessarily complicated (I swear sometimes I think I should have been an engineer)...And it just went on like that until the place closed at 5. I barely stopped moving and yet, I didn't do a damn lick of work somehow. WTF?

Yeah, I'ma have a drink, y'all.

 

[minicoop1985]

Thanks, Leonore and Sharon. Strokes are serious business. I'm assuming they have you perfectly functional again, right? I hope?

The medication doesn't cause it. It's my particular brand of bipolar: extremely rapid cycling bipolar 1 with symptoms of psychosis. These are just symptoms that happen when my antidepressant fails, and right now I'm in between them. I've learned to recognize them and not buy into them, but when you see people that aren't there, it starts to wear on you.

 

[vintagesnaps]

I can't imagine Michael, keep hanging in there. Didn't realize there were different types of bipolar conditions.

I'm more or less functional. it's been a long slow process, the body has to relearn to walk. Funny thing was going thru some of the same skills the toddlers did that I'd worked with! What else do you do but laugh? Still using a cane (which is better than a walker which is better than a wheelchair...). I kept getting told I was lucky, could have been worse and apparently being relatively young for one (just into my 50s) it can often be much more debilitating. Just a matter of time, supposedly the foot is the last thing to 'come back' which is how I'm progressing so I'm getting there.

Leonore I couldn't help it, your day made me laugh! Probably the way you tell it, I doubt it was a fun day. Just looked and it's not even close to the full moon so I guess you're just in the crapper.

 

[limr]

Leonore I couldn't help it, your day made me laugh! Probably the way you tell it, I doubt it was a fun day. Just looked and it's not even close to the full moon so I guess you're just in the crapper.

Y'know, by the time the readings were over, I was so punchy that I couldn't help but laugh at the whole thing. At one point, our receptionist just looked at me and said, "And what the hell happened to your hair?" I just couldn't stop laughing. Apparently my hair looked good before I started reading and then afterwards, all the hair pulling and clutching and propping up of my head in my hands had ruined my 'do

 

[KenC]

Y'know, by the time the readings were over, I was so punchy that I couldn't help but laugh at the whole thing. At one point, our receptionist just looked at me and said, "And what the hell happened to your hair?" I just couldn't stop laughing. Apparently my hair looked good before I started reading and then afterwards, all the hair pulling and clutching and propping up of my head in my hands had ruined my 'do

Kudos to you for being able to do that job without going postal. The little bit of teaching I did many years ago was at times very aggravating, even though it was only part-time, and I can't imagine what would have happened if I had to do it for an extended period of time.