The Mitch Hedberg quote thread

[Jon_Are]

I felt inspired to quote Mitch in another thread, but didn't want to hijack, so here I am.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

Jon

 

[rufus5150]

Rice is good for when you are hungry and want two thousand of something.

 

[Corry]

Mitch Hedberg was one of my all-time faves...


"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience"

^^ My fave quote of his.

 

[Corry]

“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”

 

[Corry]

I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. ****in'...potato chips came out man, 'cause they had a "HH" button, for Christ's sakes! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God god dammit dammit."


...dude...you should ask me to quote him...I won't stop!

 

[Corry]

"I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down."

"I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan ****ing lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' ****."

"I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the ****er gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the ****er gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!""

"I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait.""



....ok...I'll stop for now.


...maybe.

 

[Corry]

Ok, I lied.



"I ordered a chicken sandwich but I think the waitress mis-understood me because she said, "How would you like your eggs?" So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said "Incubated, and then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked and then cut up then put onto a grill then put onto a bun. ****, it's gonna take awhile. I don't have time, scrambled!""

"Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load **** into a truck."

"One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-*****! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!""

"I like the American-Canadian border, 'cuz if you're walking on the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, 'cuz first he has to go through customs. "What brings you to Canada?":[Points to the side] "That asshole." "When are you leaving?" "As soon as I regain my equilibrium!""

Ok, I'm done.

No, seriously, I am.

 

[MarcusM]

"I got a business card, cuz I wanna win some lunches...That's my business card, says 'Mitch Hedberg, potential lunch winner'.

Give me a call, maybe we'll have lunch - if I'm lucky."

 

[MarcusM]

"I had a paper route when I was a kid, I was a paper boy; I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses - or 2 dumpsters."

 

[Jon_Are]

"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a weak guy, all day."

 

[Jon_Are]

“I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work."

 

[lockwood81]

Never heard of him, I must be old, but he sounds a lot like Steven Wright.

 

[Corry]

Never heard of him, I must be old, but he sounds a lot like Steven Wright.

Strangely enough, they don't have part 1. :scratch:

That's probaby NSFW due to excessive use of the F word.

 

[Jon_Are]

Much funnier, in my opinion, than Wright. He died in 2005 at the age of 37 from multiple drug overdose.

"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too."


Jon

 

[Village Idiot]

They have a sandwich day for him. What was the sandwich?