Am I stubborn, yes. I guess I'm expecting too much. I like my money to go as far as it can. If it is genuinely true that a $40 P&S has the same functions as a $7000 DSLR, I can't see the point in buying a nice camera. I just have a really hard time believing that. Oh well. I give up.
Thanks to those who gave actual suggestions. Thanks to the others who surely stuck a fork in any interest I did have in photography.
A $40 P&S won't have the same functions as a $7000 DSLR, but you very explicitly said you don't want the functions of a $7000 DSLR, you want the automatic functions that are found on a P&S. They are completely different tools meant for different users. The $40 P&S won't really be any better than a good cell phone camera. A $300 P&S will produce better images than the cell phone and still be automatic.
The reason you aren't getting specific recommendations is that the quality of P&S cameras are all about the same within a price category. If you want specific recommendations, you need to be pretty specific about what you want. Do you want a large zoom range or better image quality? Those are direct trade-offs in a P&S. Do you want a variety of automatic scene modes that will suit different situations but require you to switch between them, or do you want to simplify operation at the expense of missing shots because the camera picks the wrong settings?
There is no camera that is great at everything, so you need to decide which tradeoffs you want to make. Once YOU make that decision, we can help with specific recommendations. At this point, you have just been insisting that some camera must exist that does everything great, but that just isn't the case even among $7000 DSLRs.
Also, better equipment doesn't necessarily result in better images. I recently sold all of my DSLR gear and bought a cheap ($300) Sony a5000 and a bunch of old manual focus lenses. My pictures are coming out better than ever, but not because the a5000 is a better camera. Instead, it is because the a5000 is small enough that I have it with me more often and the manual lenses make me take more time to think about what I'm doing. This obviously is not what you want, but just another anecdote to show the way these tradeoffs can function and how you need to define the specific tradeoffs you are willing to make.