WOW its a thread and it has jokes!!

lostprophet · Mar 3, 2006

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police.
The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?".
"Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"
"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.
It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"

-------------------------------------------------------

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed, when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache".
Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my d*ck with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!!!

--------------------------------------------------------

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"

-----------------------------------------------------------

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.
Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."

---------------------------------------------------------------

The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme.
They sent me Diana Ross.

----------------------------------------------------------------

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Sky TV has just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo.
Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet 20 thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!"
She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.
She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know, I thought you were watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

lostprophet · Mar 3, 2006

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man: "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to
eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the
lawyer said.

"But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree" the poor man said.

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a
wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all got in the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large
as the limousine.

Once they were on their way, one of the poor fellows turned to the
lawyer and said,

"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied: "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the
grass is almost a foot high!"

lostprophet · Mar 3, 2006

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back
to mum and dad's for the night.

In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is
going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary
are up yet.

She replies, "No."

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up
yet?

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back
to school."

After school, he comes home and asks, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mum says, "No."

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mum replies, "OK! What do you think?"

He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and I think I
gave him my airplane glue."

clarinetJWD · Mar 3, 2006

I think you just made my day!!!
:lol:

Mitica100 · Mar 3, 2006

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know, "says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know $**t?

aprilraven · Mar 3, 2006

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

i'm done... i thought they were funny....

damrabbit · Mar 3, 2006

A bear,lion and chicken are discussing who is the scariest animal alive
The bear states "When i growl even the trees tremble"
The lion Says "Huh when i growl the whole jungle shakes"
The Chicken turns round and says "Pah i only have to sneeze and the whole world is sh*ting itself"

aprilraven · Mar 3, 2006

damrabbit said:
A bear,lion and chicken are discussing who is the scariest animal alive
The bear states "When i growl even the trees tremble"
The lion Says "Huh when i growl the whole jungle shakes"
The Chicken turns round and says "Pah i only have to sneeze and the whole world is sh*ting itself"

Verbal · Mar 3, 2006

AprilRaven those jokes are great! I'm going to tell them to my coworkers, they'll love them! :lol:

lostprophet · Mar 4, 2006

BE WARNED !!

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up Golf Courses" in the phone book.

lostprophet · Mar 4, 2006

Just a little story about loyalty in marriage:

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she
sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have
been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed,
you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the
house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were
still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, - f**k off"

Alpha · Mar 4, 2006

This one isn't exactly clean:

An inventor walks into a bank, and goes into one of the loan officers' offices. He sits down and the loan officer says, "what can I help you with?" The man replies that he's looking for a loan to finance one of his new inventions. So the loan officer asks what exactly the invention is. The man pulls a spray bottle out of his pocket and says, "Ya see this? You spray it on a woman's vagina and it makes it taste and smell exactly like an orange." The loan officer gets very offended and yells, "That's digusting! Get out of my office right now!" So the inventor leaves.

About a year and a half later, the same man comes walking into the bank to make an enormous deposit. He happens to walk by the same loan officer's room and decides to stop in. "Hey! Remember me???? I'm the guy who came in asking for a loan and you turned me down!?" The loan officer gets pretty nervous and replies, "Oh, well, i'm sorry about that..." The inventor interrrupts him and says "Oh, No! I'm so glad you said no! Otherwise I never would have made all this money!" Intrigued, the loan officer says, "Well, that's great news then. Do you mind if I ask exactly what's brought you such good fortune?" The inventor pulls a spray bottle out of his pocket and says, "Ya see this? You spray it on an orange."

lostprophet · Mar 6, 2006

A wedding occurred just outside St. John's, Newfoundland. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appeared in St. John's court.

The fight continues in the courtroom until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, "Silence in Court!" The courtroom goes silent and Mike, the Best Man, stands up and says, "judge, I was the best Man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened". The Judge agrees and asks Mike to take the stand.

Mike begins his explanation by telling the court that it is tradition at a St. John's wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, "Okay. Continue."

"Well, said Mike, "after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs."

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, God, that must have hurt!"

"Hurt?" Mike replies, "He broke three of my fingers!"

lostprophet · Mar 6, 2006

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive
woman.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the
gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man,
and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was
lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the
gentleman.

The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to
return this to the woman. It read:

"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a
Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty
million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as
beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off.
Just send the bottle back."

LadybearHilde · Mar 7, 2006

Driving Through Texas

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.

The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, "I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!"

**********************************************************************************
The Pharmacist

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, " Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

*************************************************************************************

NEW FACTS OF LIFE
One day a little boy asks: Daddy how was I born?
DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said: You've Got Male

**************************************************************************