WOW its a thread and it has jokes!!

[tmpadmin]

Gotta love George Carlin!

 

[lostprophet]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."

 

[tmpadmin]

That was bad...

 

[Antarctican]

GROAN!! :roll: (but keep posting!)

 

[lostprophet]

GROAN!! :roll: (but keep posting!)

dont you mean croak

 

[lostprophet]

Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic.
Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble
is that the picnic site is ten miles away So, it takes them ten days
to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer.

"Ok Roy give me the bottle opener"

"I didn't bring it" says Roy

"I thought you packed it" Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"

Naturally Andy didn't bring it.

So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.

Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says
they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they
have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the
sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace.

20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.

Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each,
And just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and
shouts,


"I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT BLOODY GOING!"

 

[mrsid99]

Only Brits appreciate such really appalling puns.....well done sir!

 

[lostprophet]

[FONT=tahoma,sans-serif]A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.[/FONT]
[FONT=tahoma,sans-serif]While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds:

[/FONT][FONT=tahoma,sans-serif]"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"[/FONT]

 

[lostprophet]

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team sacked its entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Liverpool.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Liverpool area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in eight seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.

Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour.

As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have the advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under six seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team for eight bottles of Stella and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

 

[Rob]

Early one morning, a milkman is doing his rounds. He goes up to one of the houses and knocks on the door to collect the milk money. A small boy answers the door smoking a huge Havana cigar, swigging from a bottle of lager, his arm around what appears to be a call girl. The milkman looks at the small boy and asks, ‘Is your mum or dad in?’ The little lad replies, ‘Does it f*cking look like it?’

 

[lostprophet]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for whom I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive
outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled WHAT?! I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for whom I am and not
for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

 

[monicam]

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back
to mum and dad's for the night.

In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is
going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary
are up yet.

She replies, "No."

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up
yet?

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back
to school."

After school, he comes home and asks, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mum says, "No."

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mum replies, "OK! What do you think?"

He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and I think I
gave him my airplane glue."

it was funny dude..you make my day...I'm Laughing my ass off now.ahahaha

 

[lostprophet]

Yes, I'm knackered.

For several years I've been blaming it on middle age, poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, and a dozen other maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living.

I've now come to realise I'm knackered because I am overworked.

Look at it this way:

The population of this country is 51 million.
21 million are retired.
That leaves 30 million to do the work.
There are 19 million at school.
That leaves 11 million to do the work.
2 million are unemployed and 4 million are employed by the Government to look after us.
That leaves 5 million to do the work.
One million are in the armed forces, which leaves 4 million to do the work.
3 million are employed by County and Borough Councils to do the Government's work.
That leaves 1 million to do the work.
There are 620,000 people in hospital and 379,998 in prisons, which leaves two people to do the work.

You and Me - and you're sitting on your bum reading jokes

NO WONDER I'M KNACKERED!!!

 

[duncanp]

lol great jokes

 

[lostprophet]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are" he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing?

It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. "MY ROLEX!"