WOW its a thread and it has jokes!!

[lostprophet]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spend $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking,
but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

 

[lostprophet]

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the council worker.
"10" replies the Essex girl.
"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?" "Wayne, Wayne,
Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne."

"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY,
or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
council worker.

"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames."

------------------------------------------------------------------

Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
bleeding.

The paramedics soon arrive on site.

Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some
questions?"

Girl: "OK"

Medic: "What's your name?"

Girl: "Sharon."

Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"

Sharon: "Yes."

Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"

Sharon: "Romford, mate."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It Was
her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the
news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be
careful!"

"It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's f*cking
hundreds of them!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood
everywhere.

The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's
lying flat out on the floor.

Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."

Sharon: "Ok."

Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"

Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

 

[lostprophet]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime



SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.



GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.



LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.



PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.



DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.

 

[lostprophet]

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on
a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and
began to talk....

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather
coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£70,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking £950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is
a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him
in astonishment, mouths agape.....

He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

 

[lostprophet]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.

The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.

Dad takes him to the pub, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.

With all the locals looking on curiously, and the landlord shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Bang! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The locals chant "Have another drink!"

The landlord shakes his head in dismay.

Bang! Two arms pops out!

The bar goes wild.

The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Have another drink!"

The landlord ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Bang! Two legs pop out.

The pub is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then to the right.... through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The pub falls silent.

The father moans in grief.

The landlord sighs, stares into the boy's empty glass, and says...






















"He should have quit while he was a head!"

 

[lostprophet]

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.

After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink.

When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more.

This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeep told him if he was looking for a good time, there was some one in the back room who could help him, the koala decides why not and goes into the back room.

There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him.

That night he has the best sex he has ever had.

After the prostitute turns to the koala and says, "How about my money," the koala looked confused and the prostitute brought out a dictionary and it said...

PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.

So in response the koala turn to the definition for the koala and it says.

KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.

 

[Raymond J Barlow]

>>A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married
>>to
>>other
>>people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
>>transcontinental train.
>>
>>Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
>>were
>>both
>>very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she
>>in
>>the
>>lower. At 1:00 a.m., the man leaned over and gently woke the woman
>>saying,
>>Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
>>into
>>the
>>closet to get me a second blanket, I'm awfully cold.
>>I have a better idea, she replied. Just for tonight, let's pretend
>>we're
>>married.
>>Wow! That's a great idea! he exclaimed.
>>
>>Good, she replied. Get your own ****ing blanket.
>>
>>After a moment of silence, he farted.

 

[Rob]

There are three kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
. . . every morning is the dawn of a new error.
For people who like piece and quiet . . . a phoneless cord!
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents moral decay!
Madness takes aits toll. Please have exact change ready.
Be nice to your kids . . . they'll be the ones choosing your nursing home.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There can't be a crisis today, my schedule is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Did you ever stop to think . . . and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open minded that your brains fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" . . . 'till you can find a rock!
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath . . . you know where to apply.
Mechanic's slogan: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Dain bramaged.
Department of Redundancy Department.
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

 

[Mitica100]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with
a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," he responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 

[tmpadmin]

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park
bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and
opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude had a stroke.

But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't quite
reach that far.

 

[lostprophet]

An old lady is very upset as her husband had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed
husband.

The instant she saw him she starts crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment.

Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day.

When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit....." the undertaker replied.

The wife smiled at the man.

He continued "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"

 

[tmpadmin]

That is nasty!

 

[airgunr]

Signs on various businesses...

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
******************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

 

[Antarctican]

How Airplanes Are Different Than Women

Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.
Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
Airplanes don't get mad if you 'touch and go.'
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown before.
Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
Airplanes don't mind if you like to look at other airplanes.
Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's a bad thing.

 

[Antarctican]

George Carlin's New Rules For 2006

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bast**ds.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a**hole.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a**. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting

(*now don't anyone go getting all hissy about these. A few strike close to home for me too, and I didn't write 'em*)