WOW its a thread and it has jokes!!

[Orrin]

BEING CREATIVE WITH TROUBLESOME KIN

You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example,
let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow
lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train
robbery in Montana in 1889.

A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of
Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the
picture are the words: "Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana
Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer
six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged,
1889."

Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We
simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it
with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head
shot.

Next, we rewrite the text:

"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His
business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian
assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.

Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service
at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his
dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a
vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective
Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic
function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was
standing collapsed."

------------------------------

Many more at Orrin's Humor Archive

 

[Orrin]

A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge,he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:
"Free, to a good home. You want it, you take it".

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person
looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too
un-trusting of this deal.

It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:
"Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.

Caution! These people Vote

 

[Orrin]

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with
her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy
Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill."

 

[Mitica100]

While walking through a park, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You gotta
be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.


Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?" He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.


When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

 

[Lensmeister]

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any bread?"


Barman: "No."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, we have no bread."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, we haven't got any f***ing bread."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, are you deaf? We haven't got any f***ing bread. Ask me again
and I'll nail your f***ing beak to the bar you irritating b*stard of a
f***ing bird."

Duck: "Got any nails?"

Barman: "No."

Duck: "Got any bread?

 

[zombiekilla]

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where you left it.

 

[zombiekilla]

What's dangerous and swings from trees? A monkey with a chainsaw!

 

[zombiekilla]

Real things said in court

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

 

[zombiekilla]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!” The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”
The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

 

[Orrin]

Truths...


1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to
look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it
is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the
neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

6. A penny saved is a government oversight.

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right
thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong
thing at the tempting moment.

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because
by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to
buy a replacement.

10. He who hesitates is probably right.

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met
everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in
mind to blame.

13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell
when he's really in trouble.

14. Did you ever notice: When you put the words "The" and "IRS"
together it spells "THEIRS"?

 

[Orrin]

There were two babies side by side in the nursery, one male and
the other female. One day they were just cooing away, when the
little girl baby started screaming, "rape rape rape!!!!"

The little boy baby leaned up and looked over at the little girl
baby and said, "Aw....roll over and shut up, you're laying on
your pacifier!"

 

[lostprophet]

[FONT=helvetica,arial]
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room." [/FONT]

 

[lostprophet]

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."


And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.


Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.


"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.


Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll poo on its head."

 

[lostprophet]

A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left.
This continued daily for several weeks. Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"

The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."

The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.

Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey.

Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.

The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."

 

[lostprophet]

Husband store


A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . . you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. . . . . .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.



The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.



The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.



She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh mercy me" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!