WOW its a thread and it has jokes!!

[Chris of Arabia]

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers: "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate £100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed."

Well," says the Nescafe man, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to £300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate £500 million - that's half a billion quid - to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'. Please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some Good news," he announces, "and some bad news..... The good news is that the Church will come into £500 million."

"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

"We're losing the Hovis Account."

 

[Hertz van Rental]

A cow went into an Irish bar - but she couldn't get served because there were udders in front of her...

 

[Hertz van Rental]

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?






A bison has two taps and a plug hole...

 

[Antarctican]

A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles
a year.

Another study found Canadians drink, on average, 22 gallons of
beer a year.

That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles to the
gallon.

Kind Of Makes One Proud To Be Canadian ....

 

[blackdoglab]

so, a skeleton walks into a bar and says "Gimme a beer... and a mop"

 

[LadybearHilde]

The Physics of Hell


"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed)
or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So,
we need to know the rate that
souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that
we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world
today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of
their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not
normally belong to more than one religion, we can project that all
people and all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for temperature and the pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
"all Hell breaks loose".

2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until "Hell freezes over".

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Miss Therese Banyan during my
Freshman year, that "It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you",
and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in that area, then (2) cannot be true. So Hell is exothermic.

This student is the only one who received an "A" for the exam.

 

[LadybearHilde]

The Hokey Pokey -- Shakespearean Style!

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.

 

[LadybearHilde]

A small Northwest Florida Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare
species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became
very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park
veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To
make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed
Ed, a part time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals'
cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample
ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators
thought they might have a solution.

Ed was approached with a proposition; would he be willing to have
sex with the gorilla for $500. Ed showed some interest, but said he
would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed
announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First", he said. "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must
never tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly agreed to
these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well...........," said Ed. "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the
five hundred

 

[LadybearHilde]

A professor announced to his class, "Today we will experiment
with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple:
each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her
immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph
of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and
then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will
then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember
to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the
story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and
anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story
is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was turned in by two English students, Rebecca
and Gary.

First paragraph by Rebecca:
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.
The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings
at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in
happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must
now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness
was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her
asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.

Second paragraph by Gary:
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things
to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic
bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over
a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation17," he said into his
transgalactic communicator, "Polar orbit established. No sign
of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish
particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through
his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him
flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

Rebecca:
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he
felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one
woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth
stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers
of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and
Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The
news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out
the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed
unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no
television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at
all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's
innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully...


Gary:
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership
launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-
witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace
Disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a
defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the
passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for
Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet.
With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their
diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile
submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam,
felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor,
stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President
slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this!
I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

Rebecca:
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of
literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic
semi-literate adolescent.

Gary:
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
"Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort
of F#$%@# TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads
too many Danielle Steele novels."

Rebecca:
Asshole.

Gary:
*****.

Rebecca:
DICK!

Gary:
Slut.

Rebecca:
Get F%$%#$d.

Gary:
You wish; eat ****.

Rebecca:
F&*% YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

Gary:
Go drink some tea - whore.


TEACHER:
A+ - I really liked this one.

 

[blackdoglab]

more juvinile humore

for this one, after each phrase, ya have to say pea soup...

whad'ya have for breakfast

whad'ya have for lunch

whad'ya have for dinner

whad'ya do all night

 

[lostprophet]

This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you're at it, have one yourself."

"Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.

Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else."

The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"

The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.

About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends."

"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marvelling at the guy's nerve.

"Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"

 

[Hertz van Rental]

Who made the sand wet?



The seaweed.










Who made the office wet?





















The typist.




The intellectual jokes are always the best...

 

[Antarctican]

(and NO, it did not take 6 days for me to get the jokes - I just saw the post now!)

 

[Fangman]

Neighbours

Council tax re-evaluers want to charge us more if we live in a nice area.

That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

We have a huge council house at the end of our street.

The extended family who live there is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.

Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.

Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with his racist comments.

A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.

All the kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs.

The family's odd antics are always in the papers.

They are out of control. ..........



Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle

 

[Antarctican]

Love it, Fangman. I did NOT see that ending coming!