Corry's Joke of the Day Thread

[Corry]

 

[Rob]

My God! I'm over forty. (I'm not)

 

[Rob]

Sick, twisted, nasty, not safe for work or children:

http://mondo.happytreefriends.com/watch_episodes/index.html

You're gonna watch them all aren't you?

 

[clarinetJWD]

The first time I saw a happy tree friends was in Physics class in HS.

 

[Mitica100]

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is.........


Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn......
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

 

[jstuedle]

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

 

[King of Fools]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree

begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son

of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is

a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a

son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I

have ever put my pecker in."

 

[jstuedle]

Very, very funny! Good one. :thumbup:

 

[Mitica100]

36 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71, repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 currently are defendants in lawsuit


and...

84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year










Can you guess which organization this is?
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Give up yet? . . . Scroll down, citizen!
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It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.


​

 

[Alexandra]

How Canada got Its name. (not that funny, but i still like it.)

Well, as you all know, we Canadians always say "..., eh!" at the end of a phrase. So one day, people decided it was time to name this great maple country, so they put all the letters of the alphabet in a hat and asked a real, full blood canadian to pick some and tell'em ou loud. So he did:

"-C, eh!"
"-N, eh!"
"-D, eh!"

 

[woodsac]

A man takes the day off from work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron"

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He makes a birdie. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog."

The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?", the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man played the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok where to next?"

The frog replied, "Ribbit Las Vegas". They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette".

Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replied, "Ribbit $3000 black 6." Now, it is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and rents the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me". He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 15-year-old girl in the world.




"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room".

 

[Corry]

CINDERELLA

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let
her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,
and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the
ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a
pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.
Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very
satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was
supposed to have turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

"I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or other...."

 

[leewald]

"Old" is when...
...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're
barefoot.

...a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage
door nearest your car.

...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

...going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.

...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the
police.

..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to
every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.
What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?

 

[clarinetJWD]

Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. "I think not," he says and vanishes in a puff of logic.

:lmao:

 

[Corry]

The old man I work with just told me this one:

He asked: "How do you hunt a Polar Bear?"

I said: "I dunno. How?"

He said: "First, ya make a hole in the ice. Then, you take a can of peas, spread em all out around the hole. When the bear comes to take a pea, ya kick 'im in the ice-hole!"



I told him he was awful...he goes "Awful! That was clean! Not a dirty word in there!" *sigh* I've got the best 80 yr old office-mate a person could ask for!