Corry's Joke of the Day Thread

[Mitica100]

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we made love together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."

So, he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious love making that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. "I've got to ask them what their secret is" he ponders. As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!!!"

 

[Corry]

A guy with a 25-inch peepee went to a doctor and said, "I can't live with this anymore! It's too long."

The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the bayou, she can help you."

So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor. The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and find a female frog. Ask her to marry you. She'll say 'No' and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"

So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her, "Will you marry me?"

"No!" she said.

He lost 5 inches off his member! The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"

The frog said, "No!" And the guy lost another 5 inches. He thought, 15 inches is great! But 10 inches would just be perfect.

So he asked, "Will you marry me?"

And the frog said, "How many times do I have to tell you...NO! NO! NO!"

 

[Antarctican]

Two blondes are sitting in StarBucks. One looks at the newspaper and sees the headline, "12 Brazillian Soldiers Killed In Conflict".

She gasps in astonishment, then looks to the other blonde and asks, "How many is a Brazillian?"

(oh go on, at least it was clean)

 

[Corry]

The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual
police car videos around the country.

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're
new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your
birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In
case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a
9mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I
guess that means I can write anything I want on the
ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor,
but I don't think it will help. Oh did I mention that
I am the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K.,
I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another
ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine
whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat
or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a
place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy,
and step in monkey DOO."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my
wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3 "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to
have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many
tickets as we want."

#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good
personal friend of yours. At least you know someone
who can post your bail."

And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? ...
You're right, we don't. .... Sign here.

 

[Darfion]

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States".

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of thepopular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,"

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said.. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call mePaddy."

 

[duncanp]

*woman slaps man* lol...

 

[duncanp]

Two blondes are sitting in StarBucks. One looks at the newspaper and sees the headline, "12 Brazillian Soldiers Killed In Conflict".

She gasps in astonishment, then looks to the other blonde and asks, "How many is a Brazillian?"

(oh go on, at least it was clean)

:thumbup: i like it

 

[damrabbit]

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The Doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you ---you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims:
"Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"

Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!"

 

[Corry]

 

[Antarctican]

New Medical Breakthrough!

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you
sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of
these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.

Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about
yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness
and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just
about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a
regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.

Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,
delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth,
and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker,
Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

 

[Antarctican]

New Rules For 2006 (attributed to George Carlin)



New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you
don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human
finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their
hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better
description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball
cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your
idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a
whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that
watery taste! Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You
want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's
your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved
the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger
the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from
sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying
the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"
again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there
eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And
it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the
seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive
Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too
damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're
already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry
for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the
Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first
place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just
for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for
you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint
like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to
be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

 

[Corry]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried
with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin'it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open

 

[photo gal]

:lmao:

 

[Antarctican]

Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a
well-mannered professional torturer?
A. The torturer would apologize first.

Q. Why did the aerobics instructor cross the road?
A. Someone on the other side could still walk.

Q. What do aerobics instructors and people who make bacon have in
common?
A. They both tear hams into shreds.

 

[Antarctican]

One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to figure out the problem but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.

"Here's the problem", the Dr. says. "He needs a change."

The father is very perplexed. "That can't be it, the diaper package says it is good for up to 14 lbs."