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Corry's Joke of the Day Thread

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A man is sitting in an airliner which is about to take off when a man in a uniform and a Labrador Retriever sits down beside him. The passenger looks quizzically at the dog, and the official explains that they both work for the airline. Don't mind Sniffer. He's a sniffing dog, the best there is! I'll show you once we get airborne." The plane takes off and the handler says to the passenger, "Watch this. Sniffer search! Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. He then returns to his seat and puts one Paw on the handler's arm. He says, Good boy. The airline rep turns to the first man and says, That woman Is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of the isle and seat number of that passenger. Fantastic! replies the first man. Once again the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. He sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number. I like it! says the first man. A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops a load on the floor. The passenger is grossed out. What the hell is going on with this dog? The handler nervously replies, He just found a bomb.
 
A latvian airplane is traveling from Riga to Tallinn and the captain and first officer are enjoing the flight as usual while autopilot takes care of the mid-flight todos. While approaching the Tallinn airport they look out of the window to prepare for the landing and the captain screams: "That's a hellava small airfield, we really have to push the limits this time" so they drop down fast to lose altitude, hit flaps to maximum, airbrakes to maximum, last minute nose up and immediately at touchdown engange all possible brakes. They manage to stop just 2cm short of the other side of the runway.

So they take a good deep breath while the captain looks out the windows and exclaims: "This is probably the shortes airfield ever built anywhere" to which the first officer replies looking out the window: "And probably the widest as well..."
 
Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?"

A soothing voice at the other end says "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."

After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"
 
A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening. I finished the exam in a half hour, she replies. Now I'm rechecking my answers.
 
Eddie took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"It was great, especially the tight pants and all the big muscles," she said. "But I just can't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

"What do you mean?" Eddie asked, dumbfounded.

"Well, I saw them flip a coin, and one team got it," she explained. "And then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' Hel-lllo! It's only 25 cents."
 
jadin said:
Eddie took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"It was great, especially the tight pants and all the big muscles," she said. "But I just can't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

"What do you mean?" Eddie asked, dumbfounded.

"Well, I saw them flip a coin, and one team got it," she explained. "And then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' Hel-lllo! It's only 25 cents."
Click to expand...


:biglaugh: :lmao:
 
How to maintain a health level of insanity in the workplace


Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. That's a good point, Sparky. No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."
Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.
Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
Put your trash can on your desk. Label it IN.
Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, Oh you've got to be faster than that.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
 
jstuedle said:
How to maintain a health level of insanity in the workplace


Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. That's a good point, Sparky. No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."
Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.
Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
Put your trash can on your desk. Label it IN.
Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, Oh you've got to be faster than that.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
Click to expand...

:thumbup: :lmao:
 
The Perks of Being Over 40:



Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run - anywhere.
People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
You can't remember who sent you this list
 

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