how often...

Alison · Feb 15, 2006

I don't know that I can add anything else to what's been said. The thought that comes to my mind is that if he truly cared about you he would have been supportive of what was happening in your life. If it hadn't been this issue it would have been something else that would have shown up later on down the line and you would have realized that he really wasn't supportive of choices that you made.

Regarding the age thing, that can be hard, and I would have expected that at 29 he would have acted a lot more mature when you told him what was happening. I married a man that was nearly 12 years older than I was and my parents had similar concerns as yours did. We started dating when he was 28 and I was 17. We eventually married and were together for a total of 8 years but it ended in divorce. It's not to say that an age difference is bad, but I think your parents have a right to be concerned with a much older man and what he is looking for in a relationship. I wouldn't change what happened because I have two wonderful sons, but in hindsight I wish I would have listened to them because I think their concerns were valid. I really wish I had better self worth at the time. Someone in the thread touched on not settling for something...and it's so true. It's easy to get caught up in a relationship because it makes you feel loved, secure, etc. Sometimes though it's just not the right person. I firmly believe that good relationships require effort to keep them going, but the relationship itself should never make you feel poorly about yourself.

In this case you did what was right for you, and you should never sacrifice yourself for someone else. If he truly loved/cared for you he would understand that the strain was too much and would be willing to wait until you got everything sorted out.

I'm sure none of this makes you feel better now, the loss of a relationship whether a friendship or romantic takes time to heal. I do think that at some point you will look back and realize that it happened for a reason. Something else will come into your life that will feel right. You've always seemed like a very self confident and poised person and those attributes will take you far in life.

Fate · Feb 15, 2006

mentos_007 said:
----------if you are in a good mood - DON'T READ THIS---------------

how often do you want to hide somewhere so nobody can see you? how often do you know that you've just burned all the bridges behind you and everything is falling apart??? and... why the heck it is always me who ruins something wonderful?

-----------if you read this... you can start crying with me-------------
cheers

Thats what were here for mentos

It happens to me alot lol..... but its the sorta thing that passes :hug::

DestinDave · Feb 15, 2006

I have to agree with everyone above that you must continue going to your photo group. You have just as much right as anyone to be there and it's something you love. If he's told others about this situation that is sad and immature. Show your strength and character, hold your head up, and continue with your life. You cannot control his actions but you have complete control over your reactions. Don't let him "push your buttons". It seems to me from what you said that you were getting along so nicely as long as it was going his way. If he truly cares about you things will have a way of working out. If he doesn't, trust me it's better to know now that later.
As for your parents, trusting you and being concerned for your welfare are often different. Their life experience and your relative inexperience gives them obligation to state their opinions. If they didn't love you they might not say anything at all. If they didn't trust you they might forbid you to even leave the house, use the phone, or have visitors. What I wanted for myself as an adolescent and what my parents wanted for me were always at odds. Turns out they were usually right. I have 5 children, 18-29 years old, and I've often been seen as strict. As they've said before - a hardass. But I've always had their welfare in mind, not just trying to be a tyrrant.
The best advice I can give you in this situation, and for life in general, is
To Thine Own Self Be True...

I've only been a member here for a week or so but I think I can say we all care about you here...:hug:: Hang tough...

Dave

Christie Photo · Feb 15, 2006

I have to put in my "dad" viewpoint.

You can't live your life to please your parents, BUT that doesn't mean you shouldn't listen to them. I'm certain they are trying to protect you, and they realize too they can't save you from everything. I have a daughter who dated a guy 15 years older than her. I had NO tolerence for this. I have the benifit of my years, and I could see this was not a good relationship. I could not forbid her to be with him, but she knew to keep him away from me. She too eventually learned that the two of them was not meant to be.

There is no use in trying to asign FAULT to any of this. It's no one's "fault." It's all part of living.

Maybe the two of you will be friends. Who knows? All you can do is make the best choices you can at any given time. I make bad choices. I'm 52 year old. Sadly, I'm sure I'll make some more. I just hope I can learn as I go along.

I love my daughter. I always will. NOTHING can stop that. Ever. I bet your folks feel the same way about you.

So... chalk it up to experience. Travel down the road and see what's around the next bend. You will feel happy again.... and sooner than you might believe. You have to trust us all... it's really worth it.

Good luck and good things.

Pete

mentos_007 · Feb 16, 2006

thank you all for your support! today I woke up in a completely different mood... thanks guys

I'll go to the photo meetup today, do my chores and duties...

Rob · Feb 16, 2006

Yay, you're too pretty to be sitting around unhappy - we want that lovely smile back! Virtual hugs are the new healing power perhaps!

Rob

LaFoto · Feb 16, 2006

Right. Too many comments for me to read through all of them right now, but there is one thing that sprang to mind the moment I read your "story", Aleksandra, and that is: if he shows so little understanding for your problems at home, and how important it is to you to find a good solution for EVERYONE involved, i.e. yourself, your parents/home, him, and if he now says "Bah-bah, so where am I when all I wanted was a bit of love", then he did not love you the least bit in the first place but wanted something else. But it is NOT love to leave you like that - and hand you over a guilt complex at the same time!!! That annoys me to no end - his reaction. Leaving you standing there feeling guilty. When all he sounds like is a spoilt brat who wanted to use you. For whatever. Need not even be abuse, but if LOVE were involved on his side, he'd step back and say "Right, I see things are getting problematic for you. Find a way and I'll still be there".

Story of my life:
I was 19, dating a man of 29. My parents were upset. How dare she? What does she think? And most of all: what does HE want?
I no longer lived at home, had only just moved out and read my first semester of English and Linguistics, felt oh! so grown and oh! so free and "went the whole way" ... only to find out 6 days after I had turned 20 that I was pregnant. Bang!

The VERY thing my parents had tried to make sure would NOT happen to me HAD happened. Worse still: at 20 I felt ALL grown-up and knowing and despite my parents' utmost upset and protests and tears and whatnot, I married that guy because I thought I was in love.

Little did I know...
Today, more than 26 years later, I so wish I had listened a bit more to my parents' reasoning, their (more experienced) point of view, their concerns, their "unbearable intolerance and strictness", as it felt for me at the time.

When they said, to me and to him, step back a little, give her/yourself time to develop, to study, to GROW, he wouldn't. Same selfish reaction - and I was not person enough to think my own thoughts and get things sorted.

So feel GREAT about you feeling some other things need to get sorted FIRST! Your decision to tell him this was the best you could do and I can only admire you for this! I don't admire him for is reaction towards you, though!

Arch · Feb 16, 2006

*singin* "what a difference......a day makes......24 little hours.."....

Glad you feel better........

photo gal · Feb 16, 2006

mentos_007 said:
thank you all for your support! today I woke up in a completely different mood... thanks guys I'll go to the photo meetup today, do my chores and duties...

:thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: Love ya!!

Xmetal · Feb 16, 2006

Alex, if we went through life without making mistakes we'd never learn. It's as plain and simple as shooting yourself in the foot with a firearm because you forgot to switch the safety on. :greenpbl:

All is not lost, It took me 3 goes at finding the right girlfriend.

I know this sounds a bit corny but you need to 'shop around' before making a move on any gentlemen you encounter.

Chin up, Kiddo. :hugs:

terri · Feb 16, 2006

mentos_007 said:
thank you all for your support! today I woke up in a completely different mood... thanks guys I'll go to the photo meetup today, do my chores and duties...

That's right. Just go about your business and live your life. I am just now reading all this, and you have been given very good advice. :hug:: You did nothing wrong, you can only listen to your little voice inside.

Sorry you had to experience all this! :hugs:

Corry · Feb 16, 2006

Christie Photo said:
I have to put in my "dad" viewpoint.

You can't live your life to please your parents, BUT that doesn't mean you shouldn't listen to them. I'm certain they are trying to protect you, and they realize too they can't save you from everything. I have a daughter who dated a guy 15 years older than her. I had NO tolerence for this. I have the benifit of my years, and I could see this was not a good relationship. I could not forbid her to be with him, but she knew to keep him away from me. She too eventually learned that the two of them was not meant to be.

There is no use in trying to asign FAULT to any of this. It's no one's "fault." It's all part of living.

Maybe the two of you will be friends. Who knows? All you can do is make the best choices you can at any given time. I make bad choices. I'm 52 year old. Sadly, I'm sure I'll make some more. I just hope I can learn as I go along.

I love my daughter. I always will. NOTHING can stop that. Ever. I bet your folks feel the same way about you.

So... chalk it up to experience. Travel down the road and see what's around the next bend. You will feel happy again.... and sooner than you might believe. You have to trust us all... it's really worth it.

Good luck and good things.

Pete