Looking for Harsh Abuse and Criticism

[manaheim]

So, taking a lot of feedback here, and doing some reading up and looking at examples online, I've come to this:

(Mind you - still tuning and adjusting, just figured some would be interested in the evolution/process.)

" Dear xxx,

I am seeking representation for REDEMPTION'S EDGE, a 75,000-word urban fantasy set within the framework of Christianity.

Candace is a career antiquities thief who dies and finds herself conscripted as the angelic Assassin of God. She is charged with redeeming her sins on Earth by executing those who have slipped through the mortal system of justice. She is armed with her experience as a cat burglar, combat training provided by the Archangel Michael, and an ancient Samurai sword. The reward if she succeeds, is ascension to Heaven. The penalty for failure is a pit trap to Hell.

She discovers, however, that being an angel is not all she had assumed, and that she is bound by a contract that severely limits her options. Most of the people she works with in Purgatory despise her, and her strong convictions against killing, and crushing fear of flying, are significant obstacles in her path.

RDEMPTION'S EDGE deals with themes of determining between right and wrong, challenging one’s convictions, and the struggle between what we want, and what we must do, as defined by those in power around us.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you."


One glaring difference with some of the suggestions is I kept the order essentially the same... this is because you're supposed to have the "first line" of the query jump out and grab them, as you would expect with a book. What I'm seeing is most of the successful queries have the first line of that second paragraph be the grabber.

Thanks everyone... your feedback has been huge. (and feel free to cut into me more if you like)

 

[tirediron]

I like it!

 

[jenko]

I am writing to you because I am a fan of your agency’s work. I also really enjoyed your bio on Writer’s Digest, and have been following your twitter feed. Based upon some of your comments, I thought you might be interested in my latest novel, and hope you will have a few moments to consider it.

My book is about a career antiquities thief, who dies while trying to reform, and finds herself conscripted as the angelic Assassin of God. Her mission is to redeem her sins on Earth, by killing those who have slipped through the mortal system of justice. She is armed with her experience as a cat burglar, her determination, combat training provided by the Archangel Michael, and an ancient Samurai sword. She, however, has intense convictions against killing, and is terrified of flight. She also finds out that very few of her afterlife coworkers are fond of her. Being an angel also turns out to be very different from what she expected, and there is an onerous contract that binds her in ways that she must struggle to understand. There one item that The Contract is clear on, is that if she fails, she will be sent to Hell.

This is an urban fantasy novel (approximately 75K words), set against the backdrop of Christianity. It deals with themes of determining between right and wrong, challenging one’s own internal convictions, and the struggle between what we want from life, and what we must do, as defined by those in power around us.

I was a technical editor for Microsoft Press responsible for thirteen books. I have also written a few professional articles for a trade publication, and have completed one other novel. (not published)

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Instead of saying you are a "fan" of the agency's work, maybe list a few titles they have published that are similar to your book. Agents like to know you've done your research and you are not just writing them because they are one name in a list of 100 names you wrote down and decided to query. So, I think you are on the right track with personalizing the letter, but get more specific. The part about following the Twitter feed is fine. Agents like it when you know what they like. It saves them time.

Instead of "my book" put your novel's title. Also, name your protagonist. I would start the second paragraph with her name, and speed it up ...

"Arora, a career antiquities thief, dies while trying to reform and finds herself conscripted ..."

There one item that The Contract is clear on, is that if she fails, she will be sent to Hell.

Missing a verb. Why is The Contract capitalized?

I feel the plot is summarized aptly. I would try to interject more of your style into it, though. And interesting verbs. There are a lot of "to be" verbs. Almost every sentence, and this one has to go: "Being an angel also turns out to be ..."

 

[jenko]

So, taking a lot of feedback here, and doing some reading up and looking at examples online, I've come to this:

(Mind you - still tuning and adjusting, just figured some would be interested in the evolution/process.)

" Dear xxx,

I am seeking representation for REDEMPTION'S EDGE, a 75,000-word urban fantasy set within the framework of Christianity.

Candace is a career antiquities thief who dies and finds herself conscripted as the angelic Assassin of God. She is charged with redeeming her sins on Earth by executing those who have slipped through the mortal system of justice. She is armed with her experience as a cat burglar, combat training provided by the Archangel Michael, and an ancient Samurai sword. The reward if she succeeds, is ascension to Heaven. The penalty for failure is a pit trap to Hell.

She discovers, however, that being an angel is not all she had assumed, and that she is bound by a contract that severely limits her options. Most of the people she works with in Purgatory despise her, and her strong convictions against killing, and crushing fear of flying, are significant obstacles in her path.

RDEMPTION'S EDGE deals with themes of determining between right and wrong, challenging one’s convictions, and the struggle between what we want, and what we must do, as defined by those in power around us.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you."


One glaring difference with some of the suggestions is I kept the order essentially the same... this is because you're supposed to have the "first line" of the query jump out and grab them, as you would expect with a book. What I'm seeing is most of the successful queries have the first line of that second paragraph be the grabber.

Thanks everyone... your feedback has been huge. (and feel free to cut into me more if you like)

lol, obviously I should have read ahead.

Looks like you have cleared up most of my complaints.

 

[manaheim]

hahah... awesome feedback, though... thank you! It reinforces a ton of stuff and called out a few issues I need to look at even more.

Thanks !

 

[manicmike]

The one thing I would change is "framework of Christianity" to framework of Catholicism. Christianity in itself doesn't believe in Purgatory. Just my own small nit pick.

 

[manaheim]

Oh hey, nice catch. Thank you!

 

[robbins.photo]

(and feel free to cut into me more if you like)

Nope.. I'm good. Smore? Lol

 

[Derrel]

(and feel free to cut into me more if you like)

Nope.. I'm good. Smore? Lol

OMG--do you have smores, Robbins??? You bastid! You've been holding out with the smores!!!!

 

[robbins.photo]

(and feel free to cut into me more if you like)

Nope.. I'm good. Smore? Lol

OMG--do you have smores, Robbins??? You bastid! You've been holding out with the smores!!!!

I prefer to think of it as "rationing". Lol