Looking for Harsh Abuse and Criticism

[manaheim]

So some of you are aware that I'm in the process of writing a book. As part of this process, I have to develop a query letter. This is basically a cover letter designed to peak the interest of agents and editors, and hopefully get them to ask me for a sample of the book to see if it's something they want to represent.

I have put together a draft of this and needed some feedback, so I figured I'd toss it up here and see if anyone had any thoughts. Please feel free to absolutely let me have it, here. Don't hold back. I'm not fragile.

Oh, and if you're curious about what's up and would like to keep tabs on me, you can always follow me on twitter or G+. There are links in my signature. I don't post a ton at the moment, but if/when this starts getting activity, I'll be putting my updates up there.

Anyway, here is the DRAFT query letter (and thanks for looking)...

---

I am writing to you because I am a fan of your agency’s work. I also really enjoyed your bio on Writer’s Digest, and have been following your twitter feed. Based upon some of your comments, I thought you might be interested in my latest novel, and hope you will have a few moments to consider it.

My book is about a career antiquities thief, who dies while trying to reform, and finds herself conscripted as the angelic Assassin of God. Her mission is to redeem her sins on Earth, by killing those who have slipped through the mortal system of justice. She is armed with her experience as a cat burglar, her determination, combat training provided by the Archangel Michael, and an ancient Samurai sword. She, however, has intense convictions against killing, and is terrified of flight. She also finds out that very few of her afterlife coworkers are fond of her. Being an angel also turns out to be very different from what she expected, and there is an onerous contract that binds her in ways that she must struggle to understand. There one item that The Contract is clear on, is that if she fails, she will be sent to Hell.

This is an urban fantasy novel (approximately 75K words), set against the backdrop of Christianity. It deals with themes of determining between right and wrong, challenging one’s own internal convictions, and the struggle between what we want from life, and what we must do, as defined by those in power around us.

I was a technical editor for Microsoft Press responsible for thirteen books. I have also written a few professional articles for a trade publication, and have completed one other novel. (not published)

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

 

[ratssass]

I am writing to you because I am a fan of your agency’s work. I also really enjoyed your bio on Writer’s Digest, and have been following your twitter feed. Based upon some of your comments,

JMHO,but I would omit this....to me it sounds like a typical fan letter to Justin Beiber.Maybe re-word your introduction,keeping it strictly professional,and less personal.Please note,I know nothing about this,just a knee-jerk reaction.


BTW....the rest looks fine,nicely described.

 

[runnah]

I would also omit the fan part.

Plus don't mention that your other novel wasn't published. Say "I have completed one other novel that may or may not be 'The Da Vinci Code'.

 

[mmaria]

I am writing to you because I am a fan of your agency’s work.

the weakest sentence. rephrase it

My book is an urban fantasy novel (approximately 75K words), set against the backdrop of Christianity. It deals with themes of determining between right and wrong, challenging one’s own internal convictions, and the struggle between what we want from life, and what we must do, as defined by those in power around us.

It is about a career antiquities thief, who dies while trying to reform, and finds herself conscripted as the angelic Assassin of God. Her mission is to redeem her sins on Earth, by killing those who have slipped through the mortal system of justice. She is armed with her experience as a cat burglar, her determination, combat training provided by the Archangel Michael, and an ancient Samurai sword. She, however, has intense convictions against killing, and is terrified of flight. She also finds out that very few of her afterlife coworkers are fond of her. Being an angel also turns out to be very different from what she expected, and there is an onerous contract that binds her in ways that she must struggle to understand. There one item that The Contract is clear on, is that if she fails, she will be sent to Hell.


I was a technical editor for Microsoft Press responsible for thirteen books. I have also written a few professional articles for a trade publication, and have completed one other novel. (not published)

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

I change the order of two paragraphs.

that's just mho

 

[Steve5D]

My book is about a career antiquities thief, who dies while trying to reform, and finds herself conscripted as the angelic Assassin of God.

Wow. I don't even want to know how someone comes up with something like that...

 

[runnah]

My book is about a career antiquities thief, who dies while trying to reform, and finds herself conscripted as the angelic Assassin of God.

Wow. I don't even want to know how someone comes up with something like that...

Personal experience?

 

[Derrel]

The storyline is one of the more original ones I've ever heard. Seriously, that sounds new, and different, and exciting. NOT just exactly like another in the loooong string of Tom or Stephen novels.

Yes, ditch the fan line.

 

[Steve5D]

Assassin of God

That's gonna' be the name of my new band...

 

[tirediron]

Perhaps...

"Mr. <Name>: I have recently completed my second novel, an urban fantasy of approximately 75K words. Set against the backdrop of Christianity, it deals with the themes of determining right from wrong, challenging one&#8217;s internal convictions, and the struggle between what we want from life, and what we must do, as defined by those in power around us. Based on works such as <Example title #1> and <Example title #2>, I felt that it would be of interest to you.

The central character in my novel is a career antiquities thief who dies while trying to reform, and finds herself conscripted as the angelic Assassin of God. She must redeem her sins on Earth by dealing with those who have slipped through the mortal justice system. Armed with her experience as a cat burglar, her determination, and an ancient Samurai sword she is bound to this role by an onerous contract whose only clear passage tells her in no uncertain terms that failure in her duty to God means banishment to hell, despite her intense conviction against killing, and her terror of flying.

I was a technical editor for Microsoft Press responsible for thirteen books. I have also written a few professional articles for a trade publication, and have completed one other novel.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you."

 

[limr]

Combination of mmaria and tirediron:

"Mr./Ms. <Name>:

I have recently completed my second novel, an urban fantasy of approximately 75K words. Based on works such as <Example title #1> and <Example title #2>, I felt that it would be of interest to you. Set against the backdrop of Christianity, it deals with the themes of determining right from wrong, challenging one’s internal convictions, and the struggle between what we want from life and what we must do as defined by those in power around us.

The central character in my novel is a career antiquities thief who dies while trying to reform, and finds herself conscripted as the angelic Assassin of God. She must redeem her sins on Earth by dealing with those who have slipped through the mortal justice system. Armed with her experience as a cat burglar, her determination, and an ancient Samurai sword she is bound to this role by an onerous contract whose only clear passage tells her in no uncertain terms that failure in her duty to God means banishment to hell, despite her intense conviction against killing, and her terror of flying.

I was a technical editor for Microsoft Press responsible for thirteen books. I have also written a few professional articles for a trade publication, and have completed one other novel.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you."

Changed the order of the first paragraph a little bit. The other bolded parts show where I omitted commas (in the first paragraph they are stylistic so you could probably put them back in if you want, but the one in the second paragraph...thief who...&#8203;is grammatical and should not be there.)

 

[Braineack]

I'd wager you'd get more help on a BDSM forum.

 

[manaheim]

I am writing to you because I am a fan of your agency&#8217;s work. I also really enjoyed your bio on Writer&#8217;s Digest, and have been following your twitter feed. Based upon some of your comments,

JMHO,but I would omit this....to me it sounds like a typical fan letter to Justin Beiber.Maybe re-word your introduction,keeping it strictly professional,and less personal.Please note,I know nothing about this,just a knee-jerk reaction.


BTW....the rest looks fine,nicely described.

Thanks!

I totally agree with you. I HATE HATE HATE that first part. It's so "I think yer great" and it irks me. The problem is it seems to be sort of the "MO" for query letters these days. You're supposed to make it clear that you're not just submitting blind... which is a bit ridiculous, because knowing all these agents and editors in any level of depth would be nearly impossible.

Ugh.

All that said, maybe I can tune the section up and make it less bieberific. "I admire what your agency has done with Brandon Sanderson's Mistborn series" or something like that.

I'll play with it. Thank you all for calling that out. I agree. It sucks the way it is.

I would also omit the fan part.

Plus don't mention that your other novel wasn't published. Say "I have completed one other novel that may or may not be 'The Da Vinci Code'.

hahah... This, too, is one of the things you are reportedly SUPPOSED to do. I'll try to make it look a little less odd though.

I am writing to you because I am a fan of your agency&#8217;s work.

the weakest sentence. rephrase it

Roger.

My book is an urban fantasy novel (approximately 75K words), set against the backdrop of Christianity. It deals with themes of determining between right and wrong, challenging one&#8217;s own internal convictions, and the struggle between what we want from life, and what we must do, as defined by those in power around us.

It is about a career antiquities thief, who dies while trying to reform, and finds herself conscripted as the angelic Assassin of God. Her mission is to redeem her sins on Earth, by killing those who have slipped through the mortal system of justice. She is armed with her experience as a cat burglar, her determination, combat training provided by the Archangel Michael, and an ancient Samurai sword. She, however, has intense convictions against killing, and is terrified of flight. She also finds out that very few of her afterlife coworkers are fond of her. Being an angel also turns out to be very different from what she expected, and there is an onerous contract that binds her in ways that she must struggle to understand. There one item that The Contract is clear on, is that if she fails, she will be sent to Hell.


I was a technical editor for Microsoft Press responsible for thirteen books. I have also written a few professional articles for a trade publication, and have completed one other novel. (not published)

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

I change the order of two paragraphs.

that's just mho

Cool suggestion. I'll play with it. Thank you!

My book is about a career antiquities thief, who dies while trying to reform, and finds herself conscripted as the angelic Assassin of God.

Wow. I don't even want to know how someone comes up with something like that...

hahaha... I have a very strange imagination and no sense of reverence whatsoever.

My book is about a career antiquities thief, who dies while trying to reform, and finds herself conscripted as the angelic Assassin of God.

Wow. I don't even want to know how someone comes up with something like that...

Personal experience?

God I hope not. If you read this book and framed it as something I experienced directly? -shudder-

The storyline is one of the more original ones I've ever heard. Seriously, that sounds new, and different, and exciting. NOT just exactly like another in the loooong string of Tom or Stephen novels.

Yes, ditch the fan line.

Thanks, Derrel. I'm pretty excited about the idea for that very reason. I hope I'll find an agent and publisher who is as well.

Noted on the fan line.

Assassin of God

That's gonna' be the name of my new band...

hahahahahha...

 

[manaheim]

Perhaps...

"Mr. <Name>: I have recently completed my second novel, an urban fantasy of approximately 75K words. Set against the backdrop of Christianity, it deals with the themes of determining right from wrong, challenging one’s internal convictions, and the struggle between what we want from life, and what we must do, as defined by those in power around us. Based on works such as <Example title #1> and <Example title #2>, I felt that it would be of interest to you.

The central character in my novel is a career antiquities thief who dies while trying to reform, and finds herself conscripted as the angelic Assassin of God. She must redeem her sins on Earth by dealing with those who have slipped through the mortal justice system. Armed with her experience as a cat burglar, her determination, and an ancient Samurai sword she is bound to this role by an onerous contract whose only clear passage tells her in no uncertain terms that failure in her duty to God means banishment to hell, despite her intense conviction against killing, and her terror of flying.

I was a technical editor for Microsoft Press responsible for thirteen books. I have also written a few professional articles for a trade publication, and have completed one other novel.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you."

Combination of mmaria and tirediron:

"Mr./Ms. <Name>:

I have recently completed my second novel, an urban fantasy of approximately 75K words. Based on works such as <Example title #1> and <Example title #2>, I felt that it would be of interest to you. Set against the backdrop of Christianity, it deals with the themes of determining right from wrong, challenging one’s internal convictions, and the struggle between what we want from life and what we must do as defined by those in power around us.

The central character in my novel is a career antiquities thief who dies while trying to reform, and finds herself conscripted as the angelic Assassin of God. She must redeem her sins on Earth by dealing with those who have slipped through the mortal justice system. Armed with her experience as a cat burglar, her determination, and an ancient Samurai sword she is bound to this role by an onerous contract whose only clear passage tells her in no uncertain terms that failure in her duty to God means banishment to hell, despite her intense conviction against killing, and her terror of flying.

I was a technical editor for Microsoft Press responsible for thirteen books. I have also written a few professional articles for a trade publication, and have completed one other novel.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you."

Changed the order of the first paragraph a little bit. The other bolded parts show where I omitted commas (in the first paragraph they are stylistic so you could probably put them back in if you want, but the one in the second paragraph...thief who...&#8203;is grammatical and should not be there.)

ooo... these are both great suggestions for a completely different approach. I'll play with these. Thank you both so much!

I'd wager you'd get more help on a BDSM forum.

 

[kundalini]

.... This is basically a cover letter designed to peak the interest of agents and editors, .....

peak

[SUP]1 [/SUP]/pik/ Show Spelled [peek] noun
1. the pointed top of a mountain or ridge.
2. a mountain with a pointed summit.
3. the pointed top of anything.
4. the highest or most important point or level: the peak of her political career.
5. the maximum point, degree, or volume of anything: Oil prices reached their peak last year.



pique

[SUP]1 [/SUP]/pik/ Show Spelled [peek] verb (used with object), piqued, piqu·ing.
1.to affect with sharp irritation and resentment, especially by some wound to pride: She was greatly piqued when they refused her invitation.
2. to wound (the pride, vanity, etc.).
3. to excite (interest, curiosity, etc.): Her curiosity was piqued by the gossip.
4. to arouse an emotion or provoke to action: to pique someone to answer a challenge.
5. Archaic. to pride (oneself) (usually followed by on or upon ).



And I came out of the woodworks for this?

Mostly though, it was to get in touch with you about the other thing. Sorry about the MIA and I will PM you later this week to chat.

 

[Braineack]

mute point; wasn't in the letter.