Love, break ups and why I dont cope

[manda]

As some of you know Ive had a bit of a shock to my system in the last week and Ive really been thinking about my reaction and personality.

I dont cope well with loss AT ALL. WHo does, you may say?
Nobody but I am starting to really worry that I dont seem to be able to carry on rships once they get even the slightest dint in them.

Im not one for remaining friends with exes, i never have been able to distance my feelings even after theyve finally disappeared. I guess I will always hold on to things.

So my question...is this normal or should I seriously seek counselling? Do other people hold on to things so tightly?
I had my heart broken the worst it ever has been well over a year ago and I still am not over that and I often wonder if I ever will be.
Its happened again in the last week, nowhere near as bad, but I still am not coping well at all.

I know this is an extremely personal topic but I feel comfortable enough to talk to you guys about this here.
I just am tired of losing friends and loved ones because I have to break all ties whenever my heart is hurt.

Please tell me Im not the only one that does this? I seriously need advice and Im thinking of swearing off love, sex and romance until I can figure it out, which may be some time.

 

[Sharkbait]

Nope, you're not alone hon. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve, and it's been stepped on plenty of times. Personally, I think it's better to cut all ties and not try to 'stay friends'. It never works out, because one person always has a different idea of what 'friendship' is, and usually the break-ee will continue to have feelings and misinterpret friendly gestures on the other's part. I have remained somewhat friends with one or two of my exes, but it's more of an acquaintence sort of thing, and that developed only after a couple years of zero contact at all. There has to be time for those romantic feelings not just to fade, but to disappear entirely.

But no, you're not alone and you're not abnormal (well not in that respect at least! ). Don't necessarily swear off love and romance, but just be willing to see it for what it is--one aspect of your life. An important one, but not everything.

:hug:

 

[graigdavis]

Well since I know nothing about this break up or previous ones its hard to say really. What do you mean by slight dint? (PM me if you want to tell me there).

I know that any relationship is based on a few things, but really important things. One of them is being able to forgive that person and let it go. If you cant do this then no relationship will ever last because hard situations are always going to happen.

People only think of Love and relationships as about feelings. Its more than that. Its a decesion and a commitment. I decide to love my gf and nothing is going to change that. Through out a relationship there are always going to be times when your not 'feeling' the love. But people have emotions and they change for a lot of reasons, if you made a true commitment you will stay with them because you still really do love them. People give up to easy IMO.

I wonder how many marriages could be saved if they were just to admit they were wrong, forgive the person and relize that its more than an emotion, its a decesion. people stop trying and only think about them selves.

I dont know if any of this really has to do with you personaly, but its what I see most of the time.

 

[Not Neve]

Mandababe, I think I know you fairly well. You are a very passinate person and when you are into a relationship you give it your all. The end of a meaningful relationship is going to be painful. If you are thinking you could use the help of a counselor don't be afraid to get that help. Perhaps they could teach you a thing or two but to grieve or be angry are normal reactions. They allow one to heal.

:heart:

 

[graigdavis]

to grieve or be angry are normal reactions. They allow one to heal.

True, as long as you dont hold onto those emotions for long. They will just bring you down. Really to hold on to anger and sadness for more than a few weeks, your just making your life more unhappy than what it could be. Gota make your life about being happy and looking on the bright side of things.

I know a girl that dated a guy for about 2 years. They broke up almost a year and a half ago. She is still holding onto all these emotions from being with him and breaking up with him. She still gets angry when she finds out hes dating someone else. She still gets depressed when she sees him. Its just not healthy.

 

[manda]

Yes, I agree with things you've said totally Graig. My recent situation does relate to a lot of that and the last thing I actually said to the person involved was that he made a decision to do one thing and his reply was that "it wasnt a decision".

Which is a big cop out if you ask me. The decisions that were made, were made without my knowledge and this is what has upset me most. Things occurred behind my back and he didn't even have the guts to tell me what he was thinking and feeling, so we could talk about it like adults.
Now I had to find out this way and I can't even imagine me remaining friends with him ever and thats why im so upset because we started out as friends. We were friends first for 3 years and now that is lost.

I guess I do have problems with letting go as you also talked about Graig. This is why I think I need to do soemthing about it, because it isnt healthy at all and I know how it affects me.

 

[Sharkbait]

Sounds similar to some of my experiences, manda. It's difficult and takes a LOT of willpower and self-discipline, but what I did that helped was to forcibly start living for myself again. I did things that I enjoyed, and I did them for the sole reason that I enjoyed them. For example, when I would just get out of a relationship, I'd play a really good soccer match or something, and my first reatcion was 'oh I wish so-and-so had been there to see it.' Every time I had a thought like that, I forced myself to stop and correct that thinking. It became 'I had a great time, and I enjoyed it for ME, not for anyone else.' It seems stilted and fake at first, but it really helped me re-tune my way of thinking.

 

[Not Neve]

Graig is right, it's the amount of time spent grieving and/or angry that makes it unhealthy. That's the part a counselor may be able to help with. And if you learn anything about that come back and share it with us!

 

[terri34 6]

Yes, I agree with things you've said totally Graig. My recent situation does relate to a lot of that and the last thing I actually said to the person involved was that he made a decision to do one thing and his reply was that "it wasnt a decision".

Which is a big cop out if you ask me. The decisions that were made, were made without my knowledge and this is what has upset me most. Things occurred behind my back and he didn't even have the guts to tell me what he was thinking and feeling, so we could talk about it like adults.
Now I had to find out this way and I can't even imagine me remaining friends with him ever and thats why im so upset because we started out as friends. We were friends first for 3 years and now that is lost.

I guess I do have problems with letting go as you also talked about Graig. This is why I think I need to do soemthing about it, because it isnt healthy at all and I know how it affects me.

Well, honey.... your trust has been broken. That's the bottom line. For long-term relationships and marriages, I'll include mine here, Graig is correct when he says not every second are you "feeling the love". You go into it in love; it can recede and come back, ebb and flow....but the marriage or relationship will endure as long as the fundamental trust is not broken.

This guy claims not to have made a decision...you're exactly right - that IS a cop out. And he won't own up to his own decisions, or actions, from what I'm gathering here. How frustrating is that to you? Probably makes you want to scream. He's not acting like the person you thought he was. You are taking it out on yourself - "I trusted this guy - I believed this guy! How could I be so stupid? So blind? There must be something wrong with me. I need help."

Well...you may benefit from airing all this to a trained therapist, but I'm willing ot bet you come away feeling a WHOLE lot better about Manda-pants. This guy committed the actions that were underhanded, and now he won't cop to them. The actions lie with HIM. Not you. YOU are the trustworthy person here - and not only did that SOB take advantage of that, but apparently shrugged it off when you called him on it. Pretty detestable stuff. You don't want to let go, because it means you must admit you were wrong about him and that's what is freaking you out here. Don't let it. He was apparently not showing you the whole *him*, was he?

Everything you're feeling is completely normal. It's a rational response to irrational behavior. Go talk to someone if you think it will speed up the healing process, but I firmly believe you will heal.

This other stuff....wanting to bolt if there's a dent in the relationship....is that true? Because it sounds like you were actually doing the opposite here; you were trying to figure out what happened and, if he'd owned up to actions, you might have been able to work through it. He is the one who made that impossible, by denying reality. Can any of us deal with someone who is denying reality??? Good god, no. Don't take it as some personal character flaw because you demand honesty, have high standards. Hang onto them, however grimly you may have to. There are fabulous men in the world, who want the same things you do in a relationship. Maybe he'll turn up soon, maybe not. Go be Manda, go live your life and take care of #1 - that's you, sweetie. :love:

 

[Big Mike]

I know it's cheesy, but... Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I really believe this.

When you put yourself out there, there is always the chance that you will get hurt. In fact it's more than likely since most people don't end up with their first love (or second, or third etc.)

We can't live in fear and doubt...I'm sure we have all seen people who are very jaded by past relationships...and we don't want you to become one of those people. People who are not afraid to love may get hurt but they are much better people.

Think of it this way...you are a young beautiful woman...the world is your oyster.

Is that enough cheesy sayings?

 

[Sharkbait]

Some admin needs to make Mike's title "Captain Cliche"

 

[Big Mike]

Some admin needs to make Mike's title "Captain Cliché"

I can see it now, Captain Cliché & the Greeting Card Kid.

Wherever there's hurt feeling, we'll be there.

I hope Manda gets a chuckle out of this...after all

Laughter is the best medicine.

 

[markc]

You probably already know this, but just a thought: Therapy isn't about having someone fix you, it's about learning tools from someone that might help you deal with the crap life throws at you a little better. With that in mind, I don't think it would be a bad idea to talk to someone about this. You never know what you might pick up. If you are in pain, and have touble letting it go, I don't see it as being much different than asking someone advice on a darkroom technique or somesuch that you are having troubles with. It's just a matter of finding someone who you are comfortable talking with.

I have friends who have remained best of friends after they broke up, and I know others who can't deal with seeing each other. It all depends on the people and situation involved. There are no all-encompassing rules.

I'm thinking that if you are breaking off at only small signs of trouble, you are doing so to protect yourself. This is not uncommon at all, and it's something I used to do all the time. It can be a tough thing to let go of. The problem is that it's really hard to develop a strong relationship with that approach. There will always be problems in relationships. The ones that last are not the ones that don't encounter challenges, but the ones where both people are willing to hold on despite the current pain, knowing that it's something they can work through.

I'm not saying there there aren't legitimate reasons for breaking things off, but a lot of times we have knee-jerks reaction as a result of fear that can end thing prematurely. I've found for myself the key to preventing this is self-confidence.

For right now, I think you should allow yourself to feel everything that you are feeling. There are no right or wrong emotions. They just are. The important thing is to experience them and then let them go. Once they've done their job, there is no need to store them away to pull out later. It's so common to tuck the anger, fear, or pain away as if it were a little treasure, to pull out later and experience it all over again. We wrap it up to try to keep it fresh, so that it doesn't lose it's edge. We feed it so that it doesn't lose it's strength. We hold on to it like it's worth something beyond the moment it was meant for.

Storing away emotions so that they can be dealt with later is a normal human reaction, and it can even save our lives. We just have to remember not to make it a permanent mark. Once we feel it again, we need to let it go if we want to be able to move on.

This might sound weird, but I use yawning to help me let go. It's a way for me to physically symbolize what I want to accomplish emotionally. When I think of something that brings up strong emotions in me, like fear, anger, or sadness, I visualize this emotion moving up through me and I let myself yawn. It seems to come naturally. I don't force the yawn, so sometimes I have to sit there a bit, but it usually comes. The trick is to not stiffle it, which I think is the reaction we've taught ourselves.

As I yawn, I imagine letting go of the emotion and it moving up and out of my system, driving the yawn and following it out. Sometimes I yawn small, and sometimes it's so big that I sit there with my mouth strained open for what seems like ages because the emotion won't fit. Sometimes it takes days of thinking of the same thing to get it all out, but at least with each yawn it seems like there is less and less there. I've worked through some rather old and deeply embedded stuff doing this.

Anyway, it may work for other people and it may not, but it's something to try. Regardless, we care for you manda, and are here to listen. You've got lots of big virtual hugs for you here.

 

[graigdavis]

Reading about all that yawning is making me yawn.

 

[Osmer_Toby]

i think this is a common dynamic for women- the way you give so much of yourself when in a relationship. have you ever heard the term "women who love too much?" i think there may even be a book by that title. this is not to be taken literally, for it would be impossible to make such a quantitative judgement on love itself. what it means, i think , is that women view relationships very differently than men do. part of this is biological, in that you are the child-bearing gender and are much more vulnerable during pregnancy- thus your psychological make-up is such that you attempt to develop the strongest bond possible with the male counterpart. this dynamic is present subconsciously even in the very beginning of a relationship, and to a greater or lesser degree (mostly greater) women will attempt to strengthen and expand this protective bond. often this leads you to give much more of yourself, your heart, your mind, your soul significantly earlier than the man will give the same to you. this is part of an evolutionary characteristic that nature has sought to fortify, for in the end it leads to safer conditions for the children born of the union, and thus a greater chance of survival for the individual and the species as a whole.
there are many more factors at play here. societal mores, family values, etc. impact how you deal with your personal relationships, so there really is no simple remedy to your sadness. from your description of your relationships, i would guess that maybe you need to give yourself some time. i have heard it said that you need to be in a non-relationship phase for as long as you were in the relationship you just broke off before you allow yourself to begin another. (i.e. if you were with the second-to-the-last guy for a 2 yrs, you should wait 2 yrs before entering into another serious relationship) i don't know if this formula needs be followed to such an exact degree, but it seems like good advice to try keeping yourself free for as long as possible after a failed relationship. like john said,you gotta live for yourself for a while. i'm thinkin' perhaps you never completely healed from your previous wound before you exposed yourself to further hurt from this most recent relationship. it's kinda like ripping the scab off a very deep cut and sticking your finger in the wound.
you're an awesome person, manda luv, we all know it here. you are not alone in your penchant for giving yourself to such a degree that it really hurts when the relationship ends- you're not abnormal.
finally, i too think counselling might be good idea. i have been to a psychologist more that once in my life, and will probably be there again before all is over. i have always felt that the weekly sessions helped me to sort through my feelings and work on healing myself- an unbiased opinion from a trained person is extremely valuable tool with which you can begin to rebuild your broken heart.
in the meantime, i and many others here are thinkin' about ya, sendin' ya all the good energy we possibly can...