Love, break ups and why I dont cope

Discussion in 'Off Topic Chat' started by manda, May 20, 2004.

  1. markc

    markc TPF Noob!

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    You probably already know this, but just a thought: Therapy isn't about having someone fix you, it's about learning tools from someone that might help you deal with the crap life throws at you a little better. With that in mind, I don't think it would be a bad idea to talk to someone about this. You never know what you might pick up. If you are in pain, and have touble letting it go, I don't see it as being much different than asking someone advice on a darkroom technique or somesuch that you are having troubles with. It's just a matter of finding someone who you are comfortable talking with.

    I have friends who have remained best of friends after they broke up, and I know others who can't deal with seeing each other. It all depends on the people and situation involved. There are no all-encompassing rules.

    I'm thinking that if you are breaking off at only small signs of trouble, you are doing so to protect yourself. This is not uncommon at all, and it's something I used to do all the time. It can be a tough thing to let go of. The problem is that it's really hard to develop a strong relationship with that approach. There will always be problems in relationships. The ones that last are not the ones that don't encounter challenges, but the ones where both people are willing to hold on despite the current pain, knowing that it's something they can work through.

    I'm not saying there there aren't legitimate reasons for breaking things off, but a lot of times we have knee-jerks reaction as a result of fear that can end thing prematurely. I've found for myself the key to preventing this is self-confidence.

    For right now, I think you should allow yourself to feel everything that you are feeling. There are no right or wrong emotions. They just are. The important thing is to experience them and then let them go. Once they've done their job, there is no need to store them away to pull out later. It's so common to tuck the anger, fear, or pain away as if it were a little treasure, to pull out later and experience it all over again. We wrap it up to try to keep it fresh, so that it doesn't lose it's edge. We feed it so that it doesn't lose it's strength. We hold on to it like it's worth something beyond the moment it was meant for.

    Storing away emotions so that they can be dealt with later is a normal human reaction, and it can even save our lives. We just have to remember not to make it a permanent mark. Once we feel it again, we need to let it go if we want to be able to move on.

    This might sound weird, but I use yawning to help me let go. It's a way for me to physically symbolize what I want to accomplish emotionally. When I think of something that brings up strong emotions in me, like fear, anger, or sadness, I visualize this emotion moving up through me and I let myself yawn. It seems to come naturally. I don't force the yawn, so sometimes I have to sit there a bit, but it usually comes. The trick is to not stiffle it, which I think is the reaction we've taught ourselves.

    As I yawn, I imagine letting go of the emotion and it moving up and out of my system, driving the yawn and following it out. Sometimes I yawn small, and sometimes it's so big that I sit there with my mouth strained open for what seems like ages because the emotion won't fit. Sometimes it takes days of thinking of the same thing to get it all out, but at least with each yawn it seems like there is less and less there. I've worked through some rather old and deeply embedded stuff doing this.

    Anyway, it may work for other people and it may not, but it's something to try. Regardless, we care for you manda, and are here to listen. You've got lots of big virtual hugs for you here.


     
  2. graigdavis

    graigdavis TPF Noob!

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    Reading about all that yawning is making me yawn.
     
  3. Osmer_Toby

    Osmer_Toby TPF Noob!

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    i think this is a common dynamic for women- the way you give so much of yourself when in a relationship. have you ever heard the term "women who love too much?" i think there may even be a book by that title. this is not to be taken literally, for it would be impossible to make such a quantitative judgement on love itself. what it means, i think , is that women view relationships very differently than men do. part of this is biological, in that you are the child-bearing gender and are much more vulnerable during pregnancy- thus your psychological make-up is such that you attempt to develop the strongest bond possible with the male counterpart. this dynamic is present subconsciously even in the very beginning of a relationship, and to a greater or lesser degree (mostly greater) women will attempt to strengthen and expand this protective bond. often this leads you to give much more of yourself, your heart, your mind, your soul significantly earlier than the man will give the same to you. this is part of an evolutionary characteristic that nature has sought to fortify, for in the end it leads to safer conditions for the children born of the union, and thus a greater chance of survival for the individual and the species as a whole.
    there are many more factors at play here. societal mores, family values, etc. impact how you deal with your personal relationships, so there really is no simple remedy to your sadness. from your description of your relationships, i would guess that maybe you need to give yourself some time. i have heard it said that you need to be in a non-relationship phase for as long as you were in the relationship you just broke off before you allow yourself to begin another. (i.e. if you were with the second-to-the-last guy for a 2 yrs, you should wait 2 yrs before entering into another serious relationship) i don't know if this formula needs be followed to such an exact degree, but it seems like good advice to try keeping yourself free for as long as possible after a failed relationship. like john said,you gotta live for yourself for a while. i'm thinkin' perhaps you never completely healed from your previous wound before you exposed yourself to further hurt from this most recent relationship. it's kinda like ripping the scab off a very deep cut and sticking your finger in the wound.
    you're an awesome person, manda luv, we all know it here. you are not alone in your penchant for giving yourself to such a degree that it really hurts when the relationship ends- you're not abnormal.
    finally, i too think counselling might be good idea. i have been to a psychologist more that once in my life, and will probably be there again before all is over. i have always felt that the weekly sessions helped me to sort through my feelings and work on healing myself- an unbiased opinion from a trained person is extremely valuable tool with which you can begin to rebuild your broken heart.
    in the meantime, i and many others here are thinkin' about ya, sendin' ya all the good energy we possibly can...
     
  4. LilCujo

    LilCujo the quiet troublemaker! Supporting Member

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    I would have to agree with Osmer, women tend to hold things a little longer then needed.

    Trust me I still hold on to things that should have been let go a billion years ago..its easy to say " just let it go, or it will get better with time" and they are caring suggestions from all of your friends here..which is nice in its self to look back and realize what a nice relationship you have here with everyone..that has to make you feel a little bit better even just to talk about it. Only you know how you work, just deal with each thing separately and one day at a time. If you feel that counseling will help you with dealing with the pain, go for it..if talking on here helps more power to you...just do what makes you feel better..other then shooting him of course and well if you do that better have some good pics of the before look ;) ....
     
  5. Mitica100

    Mitica100 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

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    Manda,

    Like someone else suggested before, you need to make Manda happy. Go out, have a ball, take pictures while at it, enjoy nature, do something out of the ordinary that you will remember as a great accomplishment.

    I think I'll do something for ya... :wink:

    ...look out for my post #400!

    :D
     
  6. ceno2000

    ceno2000 I AM PUNK ROCK!!

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    manda - reading you post is like hearing myself - even the compulsive shopping i actually went to therapy for a while and things got better but i had to quit b/c my suck a** insrance
    it does help though
     
  7. drlynn

    drlynn TPF Noob!

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    Hang in there, Manda. If it didn't hurt so much, then it really wasn't love, ya know?

    People you have no feelings for can annoy you, anger you, etc, but they can't make you hurt the way someone you love(d) can.

    But ask yourself, "If what's-his-name is gonna be like this forever (he is) can I deal with staying with him?" If the answer is no, then letting the door hit him on the way out is for the best.

    Yes, it hurts. I've been married to the most wonderful woman I know for nearly 6 years, wouldn't lose her for any woman I've ever seen. But, once in a while I'll think about one of my ex's, (who treated me similarly to the way it sounds as if you've been treated, only I was stupid enough to keep coming back for more, for about 5 years) and it still hurts, if I let it.

    The trick is to not let it. When that feeling starts, I forcibly remind myself that I'm better off not putting up with the crap. Then I remind myself of the things I'm thankful for, and how good my life is.

    You're an incredible girl, Manda, and I wish you all the happiness in the world. I think you know how everyone here feels about you (except maybe Trish, he hides his feelings so :shock: :wink: ) and that we all hurt with you right now.

    :hug: (that's from Daniel, my 7-month old. He's good at loves.)
     
  8. GimpyPoop

    GimpyPoop TPF Noob!

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    Yo,
    I've been lurking for awhile, but let me just say that . . . I can COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY relate to you. I just got out of a whirlwind mindf*ck of a long-term relationship and I about to implode (yes I am implode, damnit!) at any given moment.
    I don't want to publicly delve too much into my personaly situation, but if you want to rant I'm totally here.
    Me, the Flea
     
  9. Luminosity

    Luminosity No longer a newbie, moving up!

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    Yikes Tobes , I ended my 6 year engagement about a year and a half ago ..... so I only have about 4 and a half years of being a free woman to go lol :eek:

    Manda , oh if only we could cup our hands around your heart and soothe the hurt there ......:hug: :love:
    Everyone that has commented on this thread has valuable advice for you darl ...any advice I could offer you isnt that different to what they've said already. You have a lot of very intelligent and supportive friends here for you whenever you need...
    Not sure if you're familiar with Kahlil Gibran and his works. He wrote The Prophet ( which I LOVE ) and there is a passage on love in there that you might like ...

    Heres the link if you wanna read it.

    http://www.columbia.edu/~gm84/gibran2.html
     
  10. manda

    manda instigator of pottymouthedness

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    You guys made me teary with all this.
    THank you so much to all of you.
    Ive had a great weekend so far and have had my mind in other places so Im doing much better.

    I will get over this, Im already feeling I will be ok not too far from now. A bit of attention I received over the weekend has helped too. :D
     

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