Oh, my father-in-law...

[cynicaster]

What is/was his trade/profession?

I'm not sure of the exact title but he's a higher up in an industrial company. He travels to meet with big ticket clients and snooze them into buying his companies goods, something like that.

It almost sounds like he might be quietly harboring a smidge of jealousy that you're a young entrepreneur, while he's old and works for the man, and he wants to kick you down a notch. This would seem to be supported by him butting in to your conversation with the phone guy just to point out that you're an amateur, or whatever it is he said.

Now, I say this not knowing a thing about the man. It's just a hunch based on the very limited info provided. I definitely know people who would behave in this way.

 

[tirediron]

....I'll just put the DVD along side the books on my coffee table (my husband religiously sets it all out before his parents come over, so that they believe I am using all of the crap that's been given to me).

Okay, stop doing this now! This is at least a partial contributor. Put it in a box on a shelf, donate it to the Salvation Army, or whatever. When Dad-in-law asks about it, or gives you something else, then you can smile and say, "Oh I passed them on to so-and-so... he/she wants to get into photography, so I thought they might help".

 

[Overread]

Amateur is a term that has multiple understandings.

For some its a demeaning term; to say that the person is "only amateur" and thus not good enough to be professional or one of skill.

To others its simply a term which means that you do the activity as a hobby and not as your craft/work. Note that for some you have to have a bit of paper from a university to go along with your job to prove that you are a professional and not just an amateur that charges.

 

[wyogirl]

OK Amber-- I personally would say something. I never let things go unsaid, especially if they are going to effect my business. That guy at the phone store could have been a potential client but your Father-in-law ruined that opportunity.

If it were me, I'd sit down with him. Maybe bring your portfolio. Explain to him that you are a professional, people pay you to do photos. Let him know that his remarks and "help" are only hurting your business. I'm not saying to "go off" or make him feel attacked, but you can't have a good relationship with someone if you can't let them know when they have offended you. Open communication within a family is best policy in my opinion.

Also, I would make your husband come with you as a show of support for what you are doing. If your husband supports your work, then your father-in-law really has no business poking his nose into it. Your FIL may feel like you aren't contributing to the family income, but regardless, that isn't his business. He needs to respect you for a professional or at least keep his mouth shut about it.

In the end, he may or may not see things differently, you can't do anything about that. But maybe next time you are speaking to someone about your business within his earshot, well he might just keep his mouth closed.

 

[AmberAtLoveAndInk]

I have never had anyone degrade my photography. Not even when I started out shooting in high school.

I'm assuming your making money off of this? Since he said your 'only' a semi pro, I'm assuming you have a 'real' job? This isn't a full time job I wouldn't let it bother you, in fact I would just chuckle and say yeah, maybe one day I'll be lucky enough to do this for a living, until then I just enjoy meeting new clients and love taking photographs.


Don't let it bother you though. Water under the bridge, because we all know who will be taking the family portrait, right? (Assuming haha)

No it's my only "job" besides the Stay-At-Home-Mom title.. Granted I do get paid and have booked numerous large events like beauty pageants, charity fund raisers, last month I photographed a restaurant grand opening for two days, along with my various portrait sessions and now a few weddings I've booked for this summer. But as you all know, unless you have a solid paying gig at least 3-4 times a month its hard to live off of any wages made. My husband supports the household and my money goes into our savings or "summer fun fund" I'm just hoping and praying that after these weddings I'll be pointed to doing more event work and will be able to make enough so that I could say my wages would be able to pay for all of our expenses.

 

[BrickHouse]

I think you should see if they have a Dummies for farther In Laws book and give that to him lol. Tell him if he really wants to help buy you some useful stuff like a new lens lol. I say keep up the good work and he will eventually see its a real job not just a hobby. Good luck.

Another thing I forgot to add to my post, how in the hell do I tell this man that I already AM at a higher level in photography and that he in turn is embarrassing/offending me with all this beginner stuff without upsetting him?? I'm thinking the dummies book would get quite a reaction lol. Thanks for the input.

That really should be your husband's job. He should be the liaison with his family and he should be the one to step up and lay it out.

 

[The_Traveler]

You are talking to the wrong people here.
Talk to your husband.
Tell him how his father's behavior makes you feel.
Tell him that he has to do something to preserve the relationship.

If he won't or can't, then Plan B.

 

[Derrel]

He might just be a simple fellow. He might just be trying to support you as best as he can. He might really be proud of his son's wife. He might be trying to 'connect' on some level and show that he supports your efforts to make some money off of something most people of his age are/were pretty terrible at. Orrrr, he could be as sharp as a tack, and a master manipulator and passive/aggressive evil mastermind. I really do not think there is ANY middle ground between those extremes. One or the other I think.

 

[AmberAtLoveAndInk]

What is/was his trade/profession?

I'm not sure of the exact title but he's a higher up in an industrial company. He travels to meet with big ticket clients and snooze them into buying his companies goods, something like that.

It almost sounds like he might be quietly harboring a smidge of jealousy that you're a young entrepreneur, while he's old and works for the man, and he wants to kick you down a notch. This would seem to be supported by him butting in to your conversation with the phone guy just to point out that you're an amateur, or whatever it is he said.

Now, I say this not knowing a thing about the man. It's just a hunch based on the very limited info provided. I definitely know people who would behave in this way.

I couldn't say he is doing this,he really is a sweet man. A little intimidating and sometimes hard with his words but I know he cares for me. He's a quiet type, doesn't especially go out of his way to talk to me about things, usually opening a conversation up with asking how his grandson is since that's a good middle ground. He may be jealous, but I doubt it. He's probably pulling about $90-150k a year. If I was making that much I sure wouldn't be jealous.

 

[AmberAtLoveAndInk]

You are talking to the wrong people here.
Talk to your husband.
Tell him how his father's behavior makes you feel.
Tell him that he has to do something to preserve the relationship.

If he won't or can't, then Plan B.

This I agree with, but my husband, being the only child, is very spoiled by his parents (numerous gifts show up to the house with a note from mom or extra $ suddenly appears in our account) and I don't think he would say something unless I threw the kitchen sink at him. There has been other family dealings in which I've asked him to speak to them (like giving our son a whole bag of chocolate when we're on date night so that when we come back he is up until 2am) and he refuses, asking me to "let it go" its a very touchy thing for him.

 

[wyogirl]

You are talking to the wrong people here.
Talk to your husband.
Tell him how his father's behavior makes you feel.
Tell him that he has to do something to preserve the relationship.

If he won't or can't, then Plan B.

This I agree with, but my husband, being the only child, is very spoiled by his parents (numerous gifts show up to the house with a note from mom or extra $ suddenly appears in our account) and I don't think he would say something unless I threw the kitchen sink at him. There has been other family dealings in which I've asked him to speak to them (like giving our son a whole bag of chocolate when we're on date night so that when we come back he is up until 2am) and he refuses, asking me to "let it go" its a very touchy thing for him.

I don't mean to be rude, but this^^ is why they don't take your business seriously. Whether your family needs it or not, they are supporting you by sending that "extra money". Doesn't matter if you didn't ask for it, doesn't matter if you don't want it. They are, in their mind, supporting your family on some level. If your business made enough money, (in their opinion, not mine or yours) then they would take you seriously. (I'm not saying that I agree with them, but this is likely their line of thought.)

I would not let my husband be spoiled by momma, but that is me, and my family. I don't know your family dynamic and I do not presume to judge.
But from looking at this thread, FIL won't take you seriously until you start to bank. He makes lots of money, and that is skewing his view of what a real professional is.

BUT you could at least explain to him that you can't ever expect to grow your business with him cutting you off at the knees, like with the phone store guy.

 

[AmberAtLoveAndInk]

You are talking to the wrong people here.
Talk to your husband.
Tell him how his father's behavior makes you feel.
Tell him that he has to do something to preserve the relationship.

If he won't or can't, then Plan B.

This I agree with, but my husband, being the only child, is very spoiled by his parents (numerous gifts show up to the house with a note from mom or extra $ suddenly appears in our account) and I don't think he would say something unless I threw the kitchen sink at him. There has been other family dealings in which I've asked him to speak to them (like giving our son a whole bag of chocolate when we're on date night so that when we come back he is up until 2am) and he refuses, asking me to "let it go" its a very touchy thing for him.

I don't mean to be rude, but this^^ is why they don't take your business seriously. Whether your family needs it or not, they are supporting you by sending that "extra money". Doesn't matter if you didn't ask for it, doesn't matter if you don't want it. They are, in their mind, supporting your family on some level. If your business made enough money, (in their opinion, not mine or yours) then they would take you seriously. (I'm not saying that I agree with them, but this is likely their line of thought.)

I would not let my husband be spoiled by momma, but that is me, and my family. I don't know your family dynamic and I do not presume to judge.
But from looking at this thread, FIL won't take you seriously until you start to bank. He makes lots of money, and that is skewing his view of what a real professional is.

BUT you could at least explain to him that you can't ever expect to grow your business with him cutting you off at the knees, like with the phone store guy.

Oh, you're not being rude. I completely agree, at least with the momma part. I come from a hard working family (not saying his isn't because obviously they are successful) and most of the men and women in my family have either started their own business or work in the union. I had 2 full time jobs at 18 and have always had to pay my own way, being the oldest of 7 children and growing up in farmland. I'm embarrassed by the gifts and ask them frequently to stop handing us money, granted we aren't millionaires but we live comfortably and can provide for own adequately. They shrug it off and my husband indulges them. I can't say anything about mom giving him special gifts I tho k though, just because I too have a son and love to spoil him. I can imagine ill be the same way with my own. Though this thread has ran off topic, ill ask the hubby to lay down the line and if he isn't able to do that ill probably bring it up to mother in law (who is a bit sweeter to me) and she may be able to sway her husband without getting upset with me.

 

[Derrel]

Your more recent comments show me something. You might want to read the books Toxic Inlaws and Toxic Parents. The nature of the parent/child relationship you've mentioned is covered in those two books. Your husband's refusal to address a "touchy issue" and the in-laws' use of money are both key issues. You're having a problem and it's being swept under the rug. Either of those books will give a perspective that's not commonly well understood by most people, or which is actually MIS-understood by the majority of people.

 

[robbins.photo]

I'm not sure of the exact title but he's a higher up in an industrial company. He travels to meet with big ticket clients and snooze them into buying his companies goods, something like that.

It almost sounds like he might be quietly harboring a smidge of jealousy that you're a young entrepreneur, while he's old and works for the man, and he wants to kick you down a notch. This would seem to be supported by him butting in to your conversation with the phone guy just to point out that you're an amateur, or whatever it is he said.

Now, I say this not knowing a thing about the man. It's just a hunch based on the very limited info provided. I definitely know people who would behave in this way.

I couldn't say he is doing this,he really is a sweet man. A little intimidating and sometimes hard with his words but I know he cares for me. He's a quiet type, doesn't especially go out of his way to talk to me about things, usually opening a conversation up with asking how his grandson is since that's a good middle ground. He may be jealous, but I doubt it. He's probably pulling about $90-150k a year. If I was making that much I sure wouldn't be jealous.

Well, perfect. Take part of your summer fun fund, go out to Ebay and get a nice used entry level DSLR, and then give it to your father in law as a gift and ask him you'r really like to go out and take some pictures with him. It will give you a chance to spend some more time together, give him a better appreciation and understanding of what it is you do, and will most likely bring the two of you to a better understanding.

 

[AmberAtLoveAndInk]

Your more recent comments show me something. You might want to read the books Toxic Inlaws and Toxic Parents. The nature of the parent/child relationship you've mentioned is covered in those two books. Your husband's refusal to address a "touchy issue" and the in-laws' use of money are both key issues. You're having a problem and it's being swept under the rug. Either of those books will give a perspective that's not commonly well understood by most people, or which is actually MIS-understood by the majority of people.

Not sure if this is serious? Lol