The Coffee House

[mmaria]

Okay, okay! I'm awake!

was I too loud?

well I have to be loud! there are so many of you I need to wake up!!!!

 

[sm4him]

I'm awake too! Have been for about 3 hours now. Just been dealing with some family stuff. I love living close to a lot of my family. Mostly. But sometimes, I wish I lived many, many hours away.

 

[mmaria]

I'm awake too! Have been for about 3 hours now. Just been dealing with some family stuff. I love living close to a lot of my family. Mostly. But sometimes, I wish I lived many, many hours away.

hey!

you have some family stuff to deal with here too!

 

[sm4him]

Marija, honey (you're my daughter, so I can call you that--also, we southerners use that term for everybody), I seriously do hate that you are having to deal with this individual and I wish I had some advice for how to get them to stop. Unfortunately, people like that DON'T stop--those sorts are the very reason that we established some harsh regulations about sexual harassment in the workplace here in the states. It's unfortunate you don't have that protection.

This is making you miserable though, and in the end, I fear you are only going to have three options:
1. Ignore as best you can, react when you have to, and keep dealing with it on a daily basis. This will continue to make you absolutely miserable, and NOBODY should have to dread going to work every day because of something like this.
2. Leave and find another job.
3. Find someone who is in authority over this guy and get some help in making it stop; get him moved elsewhere, or fired. This is just NOT okay, and it infuriates me that you feel so helpless to make him stop.

Would your dad be willing to listen and do anything? I know you want to "fix" this yourself, but from everything you've said about it, that is simply NOT going to happen. Short of you doing something violent to the guy and ending up in jail. And we really don't want THAT, now do we?

 

[limr37 7]

I know we've covered this territory before, but it bears repeating. I detest the cold. Truly despise it and have this deep sense of impending doom and gloom and despair about it.
And by cold, I mean under 60F.

Leo, when you tire of the really harsh winters, I think you could actually be pretty happy in some northern parts of NC. They get plenty of cold and snow, but not on the same level as NY and Maine and all those northern states. Actually, TN and KY get plenty of winter as well, but the nearest beach to me is 6.5 hours away--Charleston, SC.
This statistic saddens me. (or perhaps it "boggles" me).

If I could have my East TN hills, my fall and spring and wonderful summer, and just be about 3 hours closer to a warm beach, I think I could survive the winters better. If I could get to a beach every few weekends and soak up enough life-giving warmth, maybe I could better deal with the awful cold.

One minor correction: IF I get tired of harsh winters Might I change my mind in 30-40 years? I suppose anything is possible. I'm just not placing any bets right now.

If the only factors were 'milder winter, near the ocean, on the East Coast', NC would make sense. The problem is that the winters may be milder but the summers would be worse, and I despise summer with every fiber of my being the same way you feel about winter. If I ever decide to leave the northeast, I can't just go farther south on the East Coast because even right by the water, the summers will torture me.

Plus, I just...I'm like a fish out of water south of the Mason-Dixon. I don't fit. Well, there's a lot of places where I don't fit But ultimately, I think I'd be better off either staying put in New England or the northen parts of the other coast - Northern Cali, Oregon (I could move to Portlandia! - does anyone watch that show?)

 

[bribrius]

ok Rick... I'm not sure how to reply on this in the best way but I hope we'll manage something. I'll reply first on this part of what you've said because it's about my personality, the other part is about this particular situation

Just from reading the posts you have written (and like I say I could be way off, so you are allowed to slap me if you ever find me) you have a luring characteristic to your personality that is rather attractive. I'm sure this isn't the first guy that saw it.

Tbh I've never had troubles with getting attention from guys, and I'm aware that I have "a luring characteristic to my personality that is rather attractive"
That also means that I'm very well aware of my behavior towards men and "signals" I could give while interacting with people. I've been interested in human behavior since I was young so I'm analyzing everyone and everything including myself.

I would never slap you, don't worry

I'll stick my nose into this and give a very unusual analysis. Probably against better judgement. But here goes:
There are always two sides to relationships. For Marija....
On the other side this poor guy has a need for that characteristic and it's acting as a magnetic attraction. He of course has no clue as to whats happening. Just goes goo-goo.
So for you, you need to discover what that is and change it in you. Then the magnetism drops out. But, don't fight the guy as you just tie it up.
What I'm trying to say is that you can change someone else by changing you if you do it right.
So mishele is on to something here but only you can discover what needs to reverse.
Well, enough of my jabber.

Now with what I've just said above...

Rick, thank you for carefully choosing your words but you're wrong in terms of my behaving towards him


Just for things to be clearer... We know each other for a year or something. I have no idea when he changed his behavior because I really wasn't paying attention to it (or him) until he openly told me what he wants form me. We were alone in the car visiting some project site.
I told him that he should forget about it, that he made me highly uncomfortable and I wish that conversation never happened. Nothing will happen between us. Nothing and never!
He was just smiling and nodding, didn't really care what I was saying.
"Never."
"We'll see. This is how things are today but maybe tomorrow they'll be changed"
"No, they will never change. I don't want it. Stop talking about it."
"Ok for now... Tomorrow tomorrow"

I literary run from the car and him when we arrived to the workplace.

I've had a share of "men who were bothering me with their attention" but I think I've never had a man who acts like this for this long and don't hear when I say "No"

I was always nothing but polite with him and never, ever said anything or even smiled in a way that could give him some kind of a hint.
He backed off for a few days after that conversation but then just continued to behave even more sillier than before.
He's bringing me chocolate, asking silly questions just to talk something when he comes in the office, he's always checking me out whenever we meet in the hallway etc etc

I don't see any way I could change my behavior/personality or anything towards him. I'm pretty unpleasant around him but it seems like he just doesn't care.

tell him you have herpes and aids, syphilis

 

[mmaria]

Marija, honey (you're my daughter, so I can call you that--also, we southerners use that term for everybody), I seriously do hate that you are having to deal with this individual and I wish I had some advice for how to get them to stop. Unfortunately, people like that DON'T stop--those sorts are the very reason that we established some harsh regulations about sexual harassment in the workplace here in the states. It's unfortunate you don't have that protection.

yup
and you can always call me honey without explanation

This is making you miserable though, and in the end, I fear you are only going to have three options:
1. Ignore as best you can, react when you have to, and keep dealing with it on a daily basis. This will continue to make you absolutely miserable, and NOBODY should have to dread going to work every day because of something like this.

I'm just hooping he'll get it over with and stop

2. Leave and find another job.

not an option

3. Find someone who is in authority over this guy and get some help in making it stop; get him moved elsewhere, or fired. This is just NOT okay, and it infuriates me that you feel so helpless to make him stop.

not an option. It just can't be done.

Would your dad be willing to listen and do anything? I know you want to "fix" this yourself, but from everything you've said about it, that is simply NOT going to happen. Short of you doing something violent to the guy and ending up in jail. And we really don't want THAT, now do we?

My father would make a huge scene and probably beat the guy and get into trouble. not an option

oh...here he is again

 

[limr37 7]

I know you feel like no one can ever find out about this, and I don't want to dismiss that feeling, but it might be the only way to get him to stop. Or at least the threat of telling someone might be enough to scare him off. I think embarrassment is the only way because right now, he thinks he's got you in a corner. He doesn't feel guilty and he thinks you're going to just tolerate it until you finally break down, and no one will ever be the wiser.

I say you make a scene one day. Don't make it about the sexual stuff - make it seem like you're upset about something else, something about work, or the chocolates he's trying to give you or something. And don't do it in an office. One day in the hallway when other people can hear, just start talking louder - say he's being too impatient about the project, or he's being too critical and that makes it difficult to do work, or "Why do you always have to check my work? I know how to do my job!" or something that will make other people look your way. "You know I can't eat that, are you trying to kill me?"

I think once he feels like other people are watching him, he'll stop bothering you. Keep interactions as public as possible. If he corners you in his office, walk out. Chances are, he'll follow you out and once people are around again, you can talk louder again, "I know you are faster at your work and have time to chat, but I need more time to get things done!"

In short, you need to embarrass him in front of other people.

 

[limr37 7]

Okay, okay! I'm awake!

was I too loud?

well I have to be loud! there are so many of you I need to wake up!!!!

Well, I did wake up rather abruptly

 

[bribrius]

clearly the only logical solutions are the ones I have posted, short of that then maybe you should sleep with him and get it out of the way.

 

[mmaria]

then maybe you should sleep with him and get it out of the way.

could you do it instead of me?

because I clearly can't do that

 

[mmaria]

In short, you need to embarrass him in front of other people.

he really doesn't care... trust me

 

[limr37 7]

In short, you need to embarrass him in front of other people.

he really doesn't care... trust me

Then make it more suggestive. Slap him in front of a lot of other people. Tell him, "I'm not like that!"

Seriously - he is banking on the fact that you are going to keep this quiet. So don't keep it quiet anymore.

 

[pixmedic5 5]

I'm awake too! Have been for about 3 hours now. Just been dealing with some family stuff. I love living close to a lot of my family. Mostly. But sometimes, I wish I lived many, many hours away.

I don't have much of any family left.
No parents, no grandparents.
2 out of 5 siblings left. (That I don't talk to much anymore)

On the bright side, driving distance isn't a favor for me anymore and I save a lot of money during the holidays.

 

[runnah]

Guys like that seem to target women the know won't "fight" back. He knows he can push you much further than normal and he probably gets off on that.