WOW its a thread and it has jokes!!

Antarctican · Mar 13, 2008

Man's best friend...

A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this simple experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?!

Seefutlung · Mar 13, 2008

Tree Hugging

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You've gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?" Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you? "He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

LaFoto · Mar 26, 2008

When he forgot his wedding anniversary, a husband found himself in very big trouble. There were some heated words, and then only ice cold silence.

Before retiring for the night, his wife broke the silence and firmly told him: "Tomorrow you better have something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 3 seconds flat!".

When the wife looked out of the window the next morning, she found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found...
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a brand new set of bathroom scales.

doenoe · Apr 3, 2008

Douglas was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, 'If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?'
Douglas replied, 'I would get in my helicopter and fly away!'
The doctor then asked, 'Where did you get a helicopter from?'
Douglas replied, 'The same place you got that freaking train!'

BoblyBill · Apr 3, 2008

doenoe said:
Douglas was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, 'If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?'
Douglas replied, 'I would get in my helicopter and fly away!'
The doctor then asked, 'Where did you get a helicopter from?'
Douglas replied, 'The same place you got that freaking train!'

LOL, Touche

lostprophet · May 5, 2008

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he is allowed to say two words every seven years.

After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says.

They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food."

They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says.

"Thats not surprising," the elders say, "Youve done nothing but complain since you got here

NoteGraphics · May 6, 2008

Q. What's Red and sits in a corner ?

A. A very naughty London Bus.

Battou · May 6, 2008

Darnit...I was looking for this thread earlier....

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A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.
The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"
"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."
"Incredible!" says the seaman. "Howd you get the eye patch?"
"A sea gull crapped in my eye," the pirate replies.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks.
"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

lostprophet · May 28, 2008

Eminem's tour of Ireland is to go ahead despite concerns over a sickening attitude to women, appallingly obscene language, an irresponsible attitude to sex and violence, and, of course, the booze.

Eminem said that, despite these shocking traits, he would wait and "judge the Irish for himself."

Senor Hound · May 29, 2008

A guy is on an airplane and sits next to a woman. About five minutes later the woman sneezes...

"Achoo, OH GOD YES!!!"

Another five minutes or so passes...

"Achoo, OH MY GOD THAT FEELS SO GOOD!"

Confused, the guy asks the woman what's going on.

"Well its kind of embarrassing, but every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The guy responds, "Well that's interesting! Is there anything you can take for it?"

"Absolutely!" the woman says, "I take lots and lots of ragweed..."

lostprophet · Jun 14, 2008

An American tourist in London was desperate to take a leak. After a long search he couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.
"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

"No," replied the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

doenoe · Sep 21, 2008

I was having trouble with my computer. So I
called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but
nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.' Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?' No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote it down: I D 1 0 T. I used to like the little ****.

Corry · Sep 21, 2008

LOL! Love it, Daan!

clarinetJWD · Sep 26, 2008

doenoe said:
I was having trouble with my computer. So I
called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but
nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.' Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?' ‘No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote it down: I D 1 0 T. I used to like the little ****.

Also known as "PEBCAK" errors.
(Problem exists between chair and keyboard)