WOW its a thread and it has jokes!!

[Antarctican]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Excellent. We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

 

[lostprophet]

I was expecting an important telephone call the other night, so I slept with my cellphone under my pillow. When I woke up it was gone and all there was in its place was a shiny new fifty pence piece. Damn that Blue-Tooth Fairy.

 

[lostprophet]

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

 

[Antarctican]

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the
pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill
didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a
cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam
really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together
was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to
find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud, Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 Years old, I
was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty', and the judge
gave me 30 days for perjury."

 

[Chris of Arabia]

How do you decide who to marry (written by kids):

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10 (Who said boys don't have brains?)


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself)

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7 (Good Point)

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8 (Who made the rule?)


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is........


HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10 ( The boy already understands)

 

[Hertz van Rental]

A young man runs up to the bar at a pub. The publican takes note and ambles over.
"Yes, sir?"
"A glass of water and make it quick!"
The landlord looks at him but gets him the glass of water. Grabbing it the young man runs off but is back in less than a minute.
"What can I get you now, sir?" asks the publican.
"A glass of water and hurry it up."
The landlord scowls at him but passes him another glass of water and the man runs off with it.
A minute later he's back.
"A glass of water and make it quick!" he shouts.
But the landlord isn't having it. He looks the man up and down with that particular look landlords reserve for bad customers.
"Now just you hold on. You've already had two glasses of water. This is a pub and that means it sells drinks. I'm not in business to give you free glasses of water. If you're not going to buy a drink you can sod off."
At which point a second young man comes up, grabs the first and says:







"Forget it, Bill. Don't tell the miserable bugger his pub's on fire."

 

[Antarctican]

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.​

He whispered, "I'M LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY!​

The old lady figured—“What the heck”, she hadn't found anything else. So she bought the frog and put him in the car. ​

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY." The old lady figured “what the heck”, and kissed the frog. Who immediately turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince.​

The prince then kissed the old lady back, and guess what the old lady turned into?​

COME ON.... GUESS! ​

OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON ​

SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND.

 

[Fangman]

An Irish Story


She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was VERY upset.
You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And Paddy (the husband) replied: "Hang on just a minute Luv, so at least Ican tell you what happened."

Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And Paddy began: Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good cleanup I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. Also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her. I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them."

Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued: She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said

'"Please.........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?


Well I could not lie to the poor thing.

 

[Fangman]

A teacher asks her class, "if there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,'" but I like your thinking."

LITTLE TONY ON MATH Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies TONY."
But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the ****in difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,
"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked
beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f***ing beautiful!'"

LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f***in business.

 

[Hertz van Rental]

Reminds me of the Irish guy who always wore a condom when he went fishing because he didn't want to catch Moby Dick.

 

[paranoidandroid13]

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted. THE END

 

[Orrin]

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters,
whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for city folks).

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went
into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his
time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his
roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from
a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster
was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too.

But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell
hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters
were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the
roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his
beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his
job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch,
he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight
sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell
Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet surprise as
well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly
coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on
the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying
attention.

 

[Antarctican]

A redneck is walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. 'Twenty dollars...' she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

'I'm making love to me wife,' the redneck answers indignantly.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, neidder did I, 'til ya shined that light in her face!'

 

[ram018]

hehehehe cute jokes guys

 

[lostprophet]

A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry. A blonde woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do.
She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two people again, hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 10 feet, turned and waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded,
"What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:

"Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."