WOW its a thread and it has jokes!!

[Buszaj]

3 guys become stranded on an island, and are captured by cannibals. The chief of the tribe says that he will let them go if they each go into the forest and find ten pieces of fruit and insert it into their buttocks, without showing any emotion. The first man comes back with raspberries, on the 6th one he flinches, so he dies. The second one comes back with blueberries, he is on his tenth one but laughs, so he is killed. The first man meets the second man in heaven, and asks him why he laughed. He replies, "I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

 

[lostprophet]

A cowboy walks into a German car dealership.

He looks around, walks up to the salesman, touches the brim of his stetson hat and says...




















































"Audi"

 

[Hertz van Rental]

I don't get it. Why would an American want to buy a German car. Doesn't make sense.

 

[lostprophet]

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?




Tennish

 

[lostprophet]

A dog walks into a post-office, joins the queue.

When he gets to the cashier, he says "Hello, I'd like to send a telegram please."

The cashier, mildly startled to be addressed by a dog, says "Uh, certainly. What message would you like to send?"

The dog says "Here is the message: Woof woof. Woof woof woof woof. Woof woof woof, woof. Woof."

The cashier, half-sarcastically, says to the dog "You haven't quite reached the character-limit. Would you like to add an extra 'woof'?"

The dog replies "Don't be daft, that wouldn't make any sense!"

 

[Hertz van Rental]

I get it. You're poking fun at dumb animals and people with funny accents.

 

[lostprophet]

A traveling salesman visiting a small town in rural Texas saw a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Texan". The salesman was curious, so he bought a ticket. The tent went dark. Suddenly, trumpets blared, the lights came up, and all eyes turned to the center ring. There was revealed a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to the table was an old retired cowboy. Suddenly, the old cowboy unzipped his jeans, whipped it out, and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause, and the elderly Texan was carried off on their shoulders.

Ten years later, the salesman visits the same little town, and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same banner warning: "Don't Miss the Amazing Texan". He can't believe the old guy is still alive, much less still doing his act. So he buys a ticket.

Again, when the center ring is illuminated, there stand the table and the old cowboy. But this time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The old guy stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly, whips it out, and smashes the coconuts with three amazing swings. The crowd goes wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible," he tells the old Texan, "but I have to know something. You're older now, so why in the world would you switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," says the old cowboy, "my eyes ain't what they used to be."

 

[Antarctican]

:shock:

 

[lostprophet]

A lorry carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed on the M1 yesterday, shedding it's load across the carriageway.

Onlookers are said to be stunned, bewildered, dumbfounded, astonished, shocked, flabbergasted, startled, speechless and amazed.

 

[Antarctican]

:lmao:


And gobsmacked (love that word!)

 

[lostprophet]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted"

And lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied,
"No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.".........



























"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".

 

[lostprophet]

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress.

He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.

Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.

It was a different elephant.

 

[LaFoto]

Two statues, one male and one female, had guarded the door of a church for centuries so one day God decided to give them a special gift.

"You've been such examplary statues, that I'll bring you to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want", he said.

The statues looked at each other shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which then emerged a good deal of giggling and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, they returned, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen minutes", said God, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said,

"Great!
But this time you hold the pigeon and I'll crap on its head".

 

[lostprophet]

Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night.
Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly, madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.



Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious

 

[lostprophet]

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.
The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink,and told him the story of his great ambition. Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy, Got anymore tips for me?"

Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here - got anymore tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much"