Corry's Joke of the Day Thread

[Corry]

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when
they happen to walk by a Catholic church.

They see a big sign posted that says,

"Convert to Catholicism and get $100"

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His
friend turns to him and says,

"Murray, what's going on?"

"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."

Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"

Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church. Twenty
minutes later he walks out with his head bowed.

"So," asks Abe, "did you get your hundred dollars?"

Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think
of?"

 

[Corry]

The only thing IRS has not yet taxed is the penis.

This is due to the fact that 70% of the time it is hanging around unemployed,

13% of the time it is pissed off,

12% of the time it is hard up,

and 5% of the time it's in the hole.

It has two dependents, but they're nuts.

Issues still under consideration are as follows:

Are there penalties for early withdrawal?

Do multiple partners count as a corporation?

Are condoms deductible as work clothes?

Effective January 1, 2006, penises will be taxed according to size.

The brackets are as follows:

10"-12" Luxury Tax

8"-9" Pole Tax

6"-7" Privilege Tax

4"-5" Nuisance Tax

Note: Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.

Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

 

[Corry]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

"Are - my- test- results - back? "

 

[mentos_007]

buahhahahaha the last one is great

 

[Corry]

The worm
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy finds an earthworm exiting its hole in the ground.

He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't.
It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can
of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff
as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the
hairspray, and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the
little boy another five dollars.

"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

 

[photogoddess]

Two Women in Heaven.

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing
stories on how they died:

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible.

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked
everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be
alive.

 

[Corry]

That's so awful!!!

 

[Vmann]

3 golfers are out playing the links when all of a sudden they get hit by a ball from behind. They scream and yell at the guy then move on to the next hole this goes on for a couple more holes when finally they have had enough. They wait for the guy to walk up and start pushing and yelling at him only to find he his blind. Feeling bad they apologize and head back to the clubhouse.

At the clubhouse the bartender tells them how the blind man plays every Saturday and people just let it go cause hes had such a hard life. Feeling bad the first of the three gentleman says bartender when he comes in all his drinks are on me today. Not to be shown up the second of the friends says bartender when he comes in his meal is on me appitizers, meal, dessert you name it he can have it. The bartender and the two gentleman turn to the last of three friends to see what he is going to do for being so hard on the guy.

The third gentleman with long pause and a look of disgust says. " what do you expect me to do buy him a set of clubs or something? He's f#cking BLIND make him play at night!"

 

[Corry]

Facts of War
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.

During one battle, the French captured an English major.

Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him. The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown pants....

 

[Corry]

Jesse
One day in the future, Jesse Jackson has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "
You are on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.

I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.

Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to
the first room.

In it, was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water.
He kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed.
Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was
his fate in hell.

"No," Jesse said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer.
I don't think I could do that all day long.
The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer in a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony breaking rocks all day," said Jesse.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying
on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained
in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief.
Finally he said, "Yeah, I can handle this.

The devil smiled and said . . . . . . . .

OK, Monica, you're free to go."

 

[clarinetJWD]

:lmao: Now that's a good one :mrgreen:

 

[Corry]

New Version of "I will survive"


I WILL SURVIVE

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!

But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,

That I grew strong,

And I knew that I could take you on ...

But there you are, Another lie,

I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French Fry!

I should have known that it was bull****, just a sad pathetic dream,

Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those jeans!



Go on now go, walk out the door,

Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!

Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?

Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!



[Chorus]

I will survive! I will survive!

Cuz as long as I have batteries,

My sex life's gonna thrive!

I will always have good sex,

with a handful of latex!

I will survive! I will survive! .... Hey! Hey!



[Verse]

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,

When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!

But to hell with all your egos and to hell with all your needs,

Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless

multispeed!



[Chorus]

I will survive! I will survive!

Cuz as long as I have batteries,

My sex life's gonna thrive!

I will always have good sex,

with a handful of latex!

I will survive! I will survive! .... Hey! Hey!

 

[Meysha]

You know the scary thing... this is true. :shock:

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they areright and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" Youwill get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by"Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD.
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. you have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.


THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks ALot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "LoudSigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

 

[Mitica100]

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."


Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."


So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

 

[Corry]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”