Corry's Joke of the Day Thread

meotter · Jul 28, 2005

a married couple are driving down a country road and they're arguing as a married couple does.

Neither of them want to relent on their point, but as they're rounding a corner, the wife screams PIG!

well, that's all the husband can take and he glares at the wife and yells, *****!!!

then they hit a pig in the road

Corry · Jul 29, 2005

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning, " said the young man.

"If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady.

"I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said.

"Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.

" And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

Corry · Jul 29, 2005

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns a beautiful
blue-green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond

Corry · Jul 29, 2005

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service... the act of doing things for other people."
Then I heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City/ County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.
Shazam !
It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us. Have a wonderfull day and I hope you are now as enlightend as I am!

Corry · Jul 30, 2005

Contrary to popular opinion, duct tape IS NOT good for fixing everything!
>
>-----------------------
>
>Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He
>walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know
>that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an
>erection every time I saw her?"
>
>"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up,
>"I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
>
>"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
>"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried
>I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my
>leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
>
>"Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang
>her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
>
>"And what happened then?"
>
>"I kicked her in the face."

Corry · Jul 30, 2005

Just heard a little kid tell this joke on TV, but I thought it was cute...

Did you hear about the kidnapping in New York?

Well, he woke up about 4 o'clock! :lol:

Artemis · Jul 31, 2005

core_17 said:
Contrary to popular opinion, duct tape IS NOT good for fixing everything!
>
>-----------------------
>
>Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He
>walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know
>that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an
>erection every time I saw her?"
>
>"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up,
>"I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
>
>"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
>"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried
>I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my
>leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
>
>"Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang
>her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
>
>"And what happened then?"
>
>"I kicked her in the face."

Thats just mean...girls will never understand a mans..plight...is that how you spell it?

jstuedle · Jul 31, 2005

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices
his friend is very well endowed.

"Damn Al, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.

I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it," Al replies.

What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, everyday for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter.
I know it sounds crazy, but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."

Jim agrees and the two say goodbye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Al asks
Jim how his situation was.

Jim replied, "I did what you said, Al, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!"

Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."

Crisco?!?" Al exclaimed, "Damm it, Jim, Crisco is shortening!"

Corry · Aug 1, 2005

I'm not sure why "War of the Worlds" is
considered science fiction. I mean, somebody
traveling millions of miles to kill Tom Cruise
doesn't seem all that far-fetched to me.

(Scott E. Frank)

Copyright 2005, Chris White

Mitica100 · Aug 1, 2005

core_17 said:
I'm not sure why "War of the Worlds" is considered science fiction. I mean, somebody traveling millions of miles to kill Tom Cruise
doesn't seem all that far-fetched to me.

(Scott E. Frank)

Corry · Aug 1, 2005

Mitica100 said:

My sentiments exactly!!!!

(so I guess I'm not the only one that thinks Tom Cruise is INSANE?)

Mitica100 · Aug 1, 2005

core_17 said:
My sentiments exactly!!!! (so I guess I'm not the only one that thinks Tom Cruise is INSANE?)

Nah... My wife detests him! :lol:

Corry · Aug 1, 2005

My brother sent this, so it kind of freaked me out at first....

I lie awake waiting for you. As I lie on my bed,
> thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab
> you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last
> night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy
> and calm night, and what happened in my bed still
> leaves a tingling sensation in me.
> You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any
> reservations, you lay on my naked body. You sensed my
> indifference, so you
> applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or
> humiliation, and you nearly drove me crazy while you
> drained me. Finally I went to sleep.
> Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for
> you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to
> last night's events. My body still
> bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing,
> making it harder to forget you.
>
> Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you.......you
> ****ing mosquito.
>