Corry's Joke of the Day Thread

[Meysha]

:lmao: hehehe that's the greatest!!

 

[doenoe]

EUROENGLISH - Will it work?

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

 

[jstuedle]

A seven year old Cincinnati boy was at the center of a
courtroom drama this morning when his lawyer challenged a court
ruling over who should have custody of the boy.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents so the
judge awarded custody to his aunt.

The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his
parents and refused to live there.

When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents,
the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone!

The judge then decided to allow the boy to choose who should
have custody of him.

Custody was granted to the Cincinnati Reds this morning as
the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating
anyone.

 

[clarinetJWD]

That is so funny! Can you imagine?

 

[JonMikal]

A lesson to be learned from one typing the wrong email address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:



To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

 

[jstuedle]

Wedding in Heaven





On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a

fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the
Pearly
Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting,

they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When
St.
Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is

the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.



The couple sat and waited for an answer. Two months pass and the couple
is
still waiting. So as they waited, they discussed that IF they were
allowed
to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the
eternal
aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we
stuck
together FOREVER?"



After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat

bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in
Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things

don't work out?



Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with
anger,
slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the
frightened
couple.



"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a
priest
up here!! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer

 

[jstuedle]

Harry was on his death bed, and his wife Sylvia was by his side. Harry says "ya know Sylvia, you were by my side when I received my draft notice from Uncle Sam just after December 7, 1941. And you were by my side when I went off to the Korean War, and you were by my side when I went off to the Vietnam War. You were right there when I had my heart attack, and my stroke, and when they discovered I had cancer. Ya know Sylvia, I'm beginning to believe you're bad luck!"

 

[Corry]

Sunday Sermon
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday's sermon was -- Forgive Your Enemies --


Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked , "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"



80 % of the congregation held up their hands.



The Minister then repeated his question.



All responded this time except one small elderly lady "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" the minister asked.



"I don't have any." She replied. smiling sweetly..



"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?"



"Ninety-Eight." She replied.



"Oh,Mrs. Jones. Would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world."



The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, and said: "I outlived the Bitches."

 

[Corry]

One Day at the Welfare Office

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says,
"Hi you know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur bodyguard
for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but
he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her
sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting
salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bull****tin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

 

[photogoddess]

"Last Week Was My Birthday And I Didn't Feel Very Well Waking Up that morning. I Went Downstairs For Breakfast Hoping My Wife Would Be pleasant And Say, "Happy Birthday!", And Possibly Have A Present For Me.

As It Turned Out, She Barely Said Good Morning, Let Alone "Happy Birthday."



I Thought... Well, That's Marriage For You, But The Kids Will Remember. My Kids Came Into Breakfast And Didn't Say A Word. So When I Left For The Office, I Was Feeling Pretty Low And Somewhat Despondent.



As I Walked Into My Office, My Secretary Jane Said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday!"

It Felt A Little Better That At Least Someone had remembered.

I Worked Until one O'clock and Then Jane Knocked On My Door And Said,



"You Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day Outside, And It's Your Birthday, Let's Go Out To Lunch, Just You And Me." I Said, "Thanks Jane, That's The Greatest Thing I've Heard All Day."

Lets' go! "

We Went To Lunch. But We Didn't Go Where We Normally Would go. .We Dined Instead At A Little Place With A Private Table. We Had Two Martinis Each And



I Enjoyed The Meal Tremendously



On The Way Back To The Office, Jane Said, "You Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day.. We Don't Need To Go Back To The Office, Do We?" I Responded, "I Guess



Not. What Do You Have In Mind?"

She Said, "Let's Go To My Apartment"

After Arriving At Her Apartment Jane Turned To Me And Said, "Boss, If You Don't Mind, I'm Going To Step Into The Bedroom For A Moment. I'll Be Right Back."



"Ok." I Nervously Replied.



She Went Into The Bedroom And, After A Couple Of Minutes, She Came out Carrying A Huge Birthday Cake... Followed By My Wife, Kids, And Dozens Of My



Friends And Co-Workers, All Singing "Happy Birthday".



And I Just Sat There..



...On The Couch...



....Naked

 

[Corry]

:shock:

 

[Corry]

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet."

 

[Royster]

ive never visited a thread as much as this one! You guys are great! keep it comming!

 

[Corry]

ive never visited a thread as much as this one! You guys are great! keep it comming!

Glad to hear it!


Here's another:

On the bank... by the lake....

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.

The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go
down three inches... I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down
three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down
three inches that fish will jump for the fly... and I will grab him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich...

"Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... and that
fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.

I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but
I can tell you there's more...

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh... if that fly
goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear
grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop
his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch
time "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps
for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots
that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then
I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the
cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish...

The hunter shoots the bear...

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse...

The mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is:

Whenever a fly goes down three inches...

Some ***** is in serious danger.

 

[Corry]

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert
decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he
searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but
within a month or two, my father will pass away and I'll inherit over 20 million
dollars."

The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his
stepmother.

Men will never learn.