Corry's Joke of the Day Thread

uuu that's why my gradma's brother lives there although there is very hot... he is 85 :p
 
The Happy Marriage

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach
in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the
talk of the town.
"What a peaceful & loving couple". A local newspaper reporter
was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom
of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled
and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time
causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said,
That's twice."

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time.
My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the
poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"

She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."
And from that moment we have lived happily ever after".
 
3 wealthy man are sitting at the bar. Then one says: I gave my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in 6 seconds. One of the other guys says: you gave her a car? Then the first man says: "yes i gave her a yellow porsche. Goes great with her blonde hair"
The second guy says: I gave my girlfriend that goes from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds" The first guy says: you must have given her a ferrari...........thats the fastest car. Im sure of it" The second man replies: "you are correct, i gave her a nice red ferrari. She look great in it, with her red hair"
Then the third guy says: "I gave my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in 2 seconds" The first man says: " This cant be, the ferrari is the fastest car out there"
Then the third man replies: "Who said i was talking about a car............I gave her a scale"
 
One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship. "And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how <>great a smoke can be!" "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years. "Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!" At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!???
 
Little Johnny

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go
into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and
Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as
he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the
playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went
back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her
take off her shirt.

Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want
to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny
started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into
the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane
a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped
Daddy takes his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same
thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
 
The Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful
parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that
this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says
some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird
anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room
and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house,
New madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
"that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and
said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a
bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how
and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The
bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."
 
DONATION

Father O'Malley answers the phone.

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is."

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can."

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do."

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will."



BROTHEL TRIP

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"
 
They were trying to come up with a name for a new pub. "The Queens Arms"? Nah. "The Queens Tavern"? Nah. "The Queens Legs"? Bingo!

On the opening day there is a big queue outside waiting to get in. An old man with a dog stops and asks what's going on. "Oh, we're all queue here because we're gasping and waiting for the Queens Legs to open" was the reply.



Slightly edited because.... I was told that by a nine year old girl on the bus today. :shock:
 
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add
emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the
following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from

this demonstration?



A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have
worms!"

Don't you just love little old ladies??
 
A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris on that plane.

At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to
show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
 
Confession
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions for the first
time, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest
asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub
your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,
go on,' and 'I understand.' 'How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better
than slapping your knee and saying, 'No ****?!? What happened
next?'"
 
Top 20 ways to say
"Your Fly Is Open"

20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?



AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY
TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...

1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.
 
After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally, the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this," and throws some powder on a flame. There is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy the asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says, "All you have to do is say '1234' and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year!"

The guy goes home, and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says, "123" and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?"




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