Corry's Joke of the Day Thread

[Corry]

 

[airgunr]

Ok, this one is bad but.....

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the clerk for an inflatable doll. " Would would you like male or female," asked the clerk.

"Female, please," said the man.

"Would you like black or white," said the clerk.

"White, please," said the man.

"Would you like Christian or Muslim," said the clerk.

This question confused the man, so, he asked the clerk, "What does religion have to do with an inflatable doll?"

"Well, " Explained the clerk, "The Muslim blows itself up."

 

[jstuedle]

A Michigan family of football supporters head out one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an Ohio State jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become a Buckeye fan and I would like this for Christmas".

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to mother".

Off goes the little lad with the Ohio State jersey in hand and finds his mother. "Mom?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be a Buckeye fan and I would like this jersey for Christmas".

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father!"

Off he goes with the Ohio State Jersey in hand and finds his father. "Dad?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an Ohio State fan and I would like this jersey for Christmas".

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"

The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."

"Good son, what is it?"

The son replies, "I've only been an Buckeye fan for an hour and I already hate you Michigan bastards."

 

[jstuedle]

What is a Cat?

Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They're moody. They leave hair everywhere.

Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
*****

What is a Dog?

Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the next room. They can look dumb and lovable at the same time. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They leave their toys everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

 

[jstuedle]

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?





Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we have our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?


Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.



Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!


Rottweiler: Make me.



Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.


Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!


German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I lead these people from the dark, check to make sure I don't miss any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one takes advantage of the situation.


Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.


Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!


Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.


Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.


Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.....


Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?


Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...


Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.


Seal point persian: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
All of which proves, once again, that while dogs have masters, cats have staff.

 

[Corry]

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State
Building drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and
says:

"You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top
of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the
wind around the building is so intense that it carries you around
the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping
the bar, but says nothing.

The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way in
heck that could happen!"

"No, it's true," said the first man, "let me prove it to you."

He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets
toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high
wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor
window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the
second man, who is astonished.

"You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must've been a
one-time fluke. That was scientifically impossible!"

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again,
just as his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind
gently carries him around the building and into the window. He
takes the elevator back to the bar. Once upstairs, he
successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try it.

"Well, what the heck," the second guy says, "I've seen that it
works, so I'll try it!" He immediately jumps over the balcony -
plunges downward - rapidly passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors
...his body hits the sidewalk with a loud "splat."

Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time
turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head. He says,

"You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

 

[Corry]

Do Not Talk To My Parrot!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since
she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the
key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll
mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the
repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't
contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

 

[Corry]

Female cop and a drunk
A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.

The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be held against you..."

The drunk replies; "Tits."

 

[Corry]

Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women
>Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women
>
>Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
>A: No, 35 children is enough.
>
>Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
>A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
>
>Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
>A: Childbirth.
>
>Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
>borderline irrational.
>A: So what's your question?
>
>Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but
>pressure. Is she right?
>A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
>
>Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
>A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
>
>Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in
>labor?
>A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
>
>Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
>A: Yes, pregnancy.
>
>Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
>A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
>
>Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
>normal again?
>A: When the kids are in college.
>
>10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
>
>1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
>2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
>3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
>4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
>5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that
>says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-"
>
>6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
>7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
>8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
>9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
>10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
>
>TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
>10. Cats' facial expressions.
>9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
>8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
>7. Fat clothes.
>6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
>5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
>4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
>3. Eyelash curlers.
>2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
>AND the Number One thing only women understand:
>
>1. OTHER WOMEN

 

[JonMikal]

*phone rings*

(childs voice whispering) 'hello'

'may i speak to your mother please?'

(whispering) 'she's busy'

'may i speak to your father?'

(whispering) 'he's busy'

'is there anyone else there?'

(whispering) 'yes, a policeman and fireman'

'then may i speak to the police officier?'

(whispering) 'he's busy'

'well, how about the fireman?'

(whispering) 'he's busy too'

'son, what on earth is everyone doing?'

(whispering) 'looking for me'

 

[jstuedle]

'son, what on earth is everyone doing?'

(whispering) 'looking for me'

Absolutely priceless!

 

[meotter]

Q: how do you make a cat go "woof"?
A: lighter fluid & a match

Q: how many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: wanna ride bikes?

 

[Corry]

Q: how do you make a cat go "woof"?
A: lighter fluid & a match

Q: how many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: wanna ride bikes?

 

[jstuedle]

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum.

"The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true".

At this the Greek thinks he's won and starts raising his hands in victory.

But, the Italian interrupted, "It was the Italians who introduced it to women!"

 

[Mitica100]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check and I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.

"There's no money in that account."

"I know." said the old man, "But can you imagine the weekend I had?"