Corry's Joke of the Day Thread

[Rod-UK]

Chinese Proverbs
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.



______________________

 

[doenoe]

A newly wed couple moves into a new neighbourhood. They get to know the neighbours, an old couple who have been together for a long time, and the young couple get invited to eat there.
The evening went by and the young man noticed that the old man calls his wife my dove, pumpkin, sweetheart and all those nicknames.
The 2 women went to the kitchen to clean up a bit. Then the young man said: "I cant believe that after all those yours of being married you still give your wife nicknames all of the time"
Then the old man replied: "Thats just because i forgot her name"

 

[airgunr]

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look !" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me." For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services are pending

 

[airgunr]

Two blonds living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talkin. One blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the Moon?" The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooo, can you see Florida?"

 

[Andrea K]

there's a new bumper sticker out for the 2008 election. it goes 'Run Hilary Run' and it has multiple uses: democrats put it on theyre back bumper and republicans put it on the front

a man went to his doctor and picked up some viagra. the pill was huge and when he swallowed it, it got stuck in his throat...now he has a stiff neck.

a duck walks into a drug store and asks the clerk "do you have any chapstick?" the clerk replies "yes" and the duck responds "ok great, you can just put it on my bill."

 

[jstuedle]

THIS IS FOR LADIES (FEMALES) ONLY!!!!
(MY WIFE JUST HAD TO SEND IT TO ME!!!)

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (Her first mistake).
One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was
ajar. I read the box in the cabinet.
I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom.
Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with
unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special Occasions"
(her second mistake).

Now fast forward a few months.... It's Thanksgiving Day, My folks were
leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner.
Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone.
Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into
laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came
my father, who roared with laughter.

Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place
setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate,
with the fork carefully arranged on top.
I had even tucked in the tails so they didn't hang off the edge!!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the
other adults into further fits of laughter.
"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!!"

 

[Corry]

Small penis
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young couple took their three-year-old son to doctor Cohen.
With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little
angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about
his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just
feed him bagels with cream cheese. That should solve the
problem."

The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm bagels and cream cheese in the middle of the
table.

"Gee, mommy," the boy exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your
father."

 

[Corry]

Cat Diary
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Excerpts Taken From A Cat's Diary

DAY 752 -My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and themild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 -Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 -Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 -Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what agood little cat I was. Hmmm.... Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 -I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such aliquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 -There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 -I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akinto molespeak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move.

Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.................

 

[Artemis]

HAHAHHA!

 

[jstuedle]

AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide."
The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate."
The raise was precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed one of France's white flag factories virtually disabling their military.
Additional reports indicate that the French now have numerous small arms for sale, the quality of these firearms is near
perfect, having never been fired and only dropped once.

 

[Corry]

Hahaha..I posted that one already (though not in this thread). It's a good one, isn't it?

 

[jstuedle]

Cory, you must know them all! I just received that one in my email. Hmmmm....... back to the boards.

 

[photogoddess]

On second thought... DON'T try these at home...
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

 

[Andrea K]

i got these off a website i found:

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

Not your average children's books
'You Were an Accident'

'Strangers Have the Best Candy'

'The Little Sissy Who Snitched'

'Some Kittens Can Fly!'

'The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion'

'How to Dress Sexy for Grownups'

'Getting More Chocolate on Your Face'

'Where Would You Like to Be Buried?'

'Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her'

'The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!'

'All Dogs Go to Hell'

'The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking'

'When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It'

'Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia'

'What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?'

'Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?'

'Bi-Curious George'

'Daddy Drinks Because You Cry'

'Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver'

'You Are Different and That's Bad'

'Why God Burned Down Disney Land'

Old Rooster

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "Okay old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and boom, he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dangit, third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of the story...
Don't mess with us old folks. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

 

[airgunr]

A Russian, an American and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the Moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

(an old one but a favorite....)